Incontinence Hotline... Can you hold, please?

Madness takes its toll; please have exact change...

For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients.

|||||||//////__ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work.

Improve mail delivery... mail the posties their pay!

Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.

Don't worry; the answer's at the back of the book.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

To make a speech interesting, say "I stand here before you to look behind you to tell you of something I know nothing about."

"It's serious," he explained, "... we're low on duct tape!"

"My other car is a stealth bomber."
- On the back of the car of a member of the air force

Horn broken, watch for finger.

My kid beat up your Honours Student!

Your kid may be an honour student but you're still an IDIOT!

Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

I discovered today that goldfish do not like jelly.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

Mom used to get offended when I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my father did, not screaming in terror like his passengers.

A gaping chest wound is just nature's way of telling you to slow down.

Mashed potatoes can be your friends.

Save the whales! Collect the whole set!

You can't be late until you show up.

Disease and famine are stalking the country like ... two giant, stalking things.

Facts are stubborn things.

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

Just do it.
Just did it.
Just do me.

Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand?

Never assume. It makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me".

This is just a hobby. Perfection is not required. Fun is.

Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray...

Having a Smoking Section in a restaurant is a little like having a Peeing Section in a pool!

A day without sunshine is like night.

Conserve energy... fart in a jar.

It's all fun and games, until someone loses an eye! Then it's a *SPORT*

Follow that car, Godzilla - and step on it!

Three friends can enjoy a meal together if two of them are cannibals.

A real friend is someone who would feel loss if you jumped on a train, or in front of one.

Never underestimate the power of the dork side of the force.

Silence is one of the most effective forms of communication.

If you say you'll treat me like an American Express card, why do I feel like I'm in a VISA commercial?

Trust is like virginity. You lose it once and that's it.

I have all the answers, it's just that most of them aren't right.

A Rotarian was the first to call John the Baptist "Jack".

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

The only cure for postmodernism is the incurable illness of romanticism.

She lives for others - you can tell the others by their hunted looks.

20. Which of the following phrases do you use most often?
a) "Isn't the weather dreadful!"
b) "No, thanks."
c) "A beer, Charlie. Make it a cold one."
d) "Oh, I'm sorry. Was that _your_ child? Please, have her back. Good day! I beg your...? Fvck you too, Madam."
e) "Ateh! Malkuth! Ve Gevurah! Ve Gedulah! Le Olahm!"
f) "Please come back, little person! I only playing! Ha! Caught you! Oh. You leaking, person! Wake up! Why you all go sleep? No fun! You people so boring!"
- The Weirdness Test

"I just woke up, I'm 40 miles from my car and I can't remember where I left my trousers. I think I'm going to be a little late."

"Benno, I can't handle you not wearing all black. Go home and change."

"In the heat of battle, tantric magic is fun, but highly ineffective."

"Mine's proportionally longer than most."

"I like the bestiality..."

"In any business, the customer is always right, except when he calls technical support."

"We've got a kitchen by Giger, but we're too scared to go in there."

"It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out."

"There are no depths to which I will not sink."

"Yes means no and no means yes. Delete all your files? [y/n]"

"Alas poor Yorric, I smurfed him Horatio..."

"It must be indicative of something other than the redistribution of Smurf..."

"I can get to Rome, but I can't get to Elvis..."

"Pink as a beetroot..."

"Ack! I come back from holiday and someone stole my chair, my phone cord, my general manager, my technical manager _and_ Emma!"

"Does anybody know any [dis]reputable arms dealers where I could by a nuke to aim at Seattle?"
"YM 'Redmond'. Microsoft == Redmond, Microsoft != Seattle."
"Ah, but 'tis only a matter of blast radius."

"Basses like Altos. Altos like Basses. Tenors like Tenors. Sopranos like discos."

"So let me get this straight: There are no photos of anyone doing anything at the party because the people that were the subjects of the photos weren't doing anything worth photographing. Furthermore these people weren't even there because they'd never be involved in such things and even if they were there they'd be too busy drinking water to be involved in the things that didn't happen because they weren't there in the first place. And Garth didn't take these photos that didn't get taken. Does this mean that Garth spent the entire evening on his own in a room with a camera? Now I'm really lost. p.s. Did he have a glass of water too?"

"... But BELIEVE YOU US, if this weren't a SERIOUS situation, we wouldn't be discussing it in ALL CAPS."

"LARA CROFT STARS IN BIG BOUNCING BAZOOMS OF DOOOOOOOOM"

"Apparently giving caffeine to spiders makes them spin really bad webs, whereas giving them LSD makes them more uniform and better. Imagine what the WWW would have been like if it had been invented in the 60's"

"Well I figure if any three things in the universe go together it's Gina G, MMMBop and Imperial Star Destroyers."

"The other reason I lie to market researchers is that a few years ago I was stopped on the street and asked questions about salted peanuts (beernuts?). After 4 or 5 questions I was asked about my education and I proudly announced that I had completed my MSc. "Oh," she said "sorry, we're not supposed to be asking graduates." and away she went to pester someone else. 
I was too well educated to have opinions about bar snacks!

"FRED THE AMAZING WONDER CABBAGE!"
"Friend of yours?"
"Yes. He's the voice in my head."
"Stop eating that fertiliser ok Holo"
"But I want to grow as a person! And if I can't grow as a person, I'm going to grow as a PLANT!"

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

When I was a kid, my favourite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in awhile he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

Thinking about the past is a great excuse to waste the present and forget about the future.

I have all the answers, it's just that most of them aren't right.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the strength to change those I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Ask not for whom the bell tolls, let the machine get it.

If you can't dazzle them with dexterity, feed them a crock!

Remember: 'i' before 'e', except in Budweiser.

If you can still hear the music, it's not loud enough!

Drag the Jones's down to your level. It's cheaper.

Honour thy error as hidden intention.

Don't judge a book by its movie.

Practice makes perfeckt.

Everyone loves a moose. Some just don't know it.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I.

Heck was created for those who refuse to believe in Gosh.

No job is so simple that is can't be done wrong.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

A good pun is its own reword.

All general statements are false.

Never tell them what you wouldn't want to do.

Silence is one great art of conversation.

Nostalgia is okay but not what it used to be.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Monday is the root of all evil.

Being superstitious brings bad luck.

When you're run down the best thing to take is the licence number.

Beware of sheep in sheep's clothing.

Cleanliness is next to clean-limbed, according to Webster's.

Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers.

Where subtlety fails us we must simply make do with cream pies.

Get the facts first, THEN panic!

It's only fun if you can get in trouble

Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.

The reward for a job well done is more work.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

Never put off to tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

When in doubt, give advice.

After all is said and done, usually more is said.

Nothing is so smiple that it can't be screwed up.

A man who smiles when things go wrong knows whom to blame.

Never hit a man when he's down. He may get back up again.

If a problem has a single neck, it has a simple solution.

Take 20 aspirins and you'll feel better, if you wake up.

Don't hate yourself in the morning-sleep 'til noon.

Golf scores are directly proportional to the number of witnesses.

After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat.

Atheists have no invisible means of support.

The problem with reality is the lack of background music.

Common sense isn't.

Some authors should be paid by the quantity NOT written.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Be alert... the world needs more Lerts.

If you can't speak softly, just use the stick.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal ideas from many is research.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

There is someone willing to argue about any point.
I don't know, but I'll argue any attribution

"Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly."
- Batman costume warning label

Reality-ometer: [\... ] Hmmm... Thought so.

Don't hit me, Mr. Moderator... I'll go back on topic... I swear!

Answers: $1, Short: $5, Correct: $25, dumb looks are still free.

We now return to our regularly scheduled flame-throwing.

Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Ho hum.

I woke up in a Soho doorway... a policeman knew my name..!

Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter much since nobody listens.

Never return a kindness. Pass it on!

Hey, what's that beeping noise? Where's that smoke coming from?

Hell isn't a bad place; Hell is from here to Eternity.

If you can't be good, be careful.

Discoveries are made by not following instructions.

The Borg assimilated my cat... He doesn't act any differently.

I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won.

You can call me "All", but I like "Al" better

Don't eat yellow snow!

The electric chair choice: Regular or Extra Crispy

)!)@(#*$&%^, but also {<]#.(,@##, and what did you think of !$#&@)$^#...

The most expensive component always breaks first.

Mouse not found. Driver not installed. Click to continue.

One person's error is another person's data.

Any of you seen a modem carrier around here?

Dinner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza

It's only a hobby... only a hobby... only a

All that matters is great pizza!

Have a nice day - unless you've made other plans.

Avoid hangovers - Stay drunk.

Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.

Out of paper. Exit Toilet (Y/N)?

Nobody notices when things go right.

I can't diet for medical reasons; it makes me HUNGRY!

Don't drink and drive; Smoke dope and fly home.

God is love... Love is blind... Ray Charles is God!

He who hesitates too long, must change his underwear.

Some Do, Some Don't, Some Will and Some Won't.

Star Trek XXVII - The Search for Shatner's Teeth.

We do what we can but it's never enough.

When you kill a bug, ten more come for the funeral.

Your statement fully describes the situation partially.

Everything inspires. But one things more than others.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they pissed me off.

To be a "proactive" lefty in the new South Africa is to give in to the demands of the other group before they have even made those demands...

Multitasking = screwing up several things at once.

Windows 3.1 - from the people that brought you EDLIN.

Windows 3.1 - the best $99 solitaire game I've ever seen.

Windows v47.4 - We **FINALLY** got it right!

Windows Error 001: Windows loaded. System in danger.

Windows Error 002: No error yet...

Windows Error 003: Operator fell asleep while waiting.

Windows Error 004: Erroneous error. Nothing wrong.

Windows Error 010: Reserved for future mistakes

Windows... Just say no!

Uses OS/2 Warp, DOS and Windows! And PROUD of it!

fer sail cheep: Windows spel chekker, wurks grate.

Bugs come in through open Windows.

How do you make Windows faster?
Throw it harder

This score just in: OS/2, Windows 0.

"I just played two games of tetris in parallel... I won... "
- Adrian

"Historical Landmark #9678023
Windows 95 - Five years ago, corporate software giant, Microsoft, spent millions of dollars, and put a team of hundreds of highly specialised programmers on an extensive and highly ambitious project to find another name for the Apple Menu."
- Avi Selk, in comp.unix.bsd.netbsd.misc


"No, the best way to prepare is to write programs, and to study great programs that other people have written. In my case, I went to the garbage cans at the Computer Science Centre and I fished out listings of their operating system."
- Bill Gates

"The POP3 server service depends on the SMTP server service, which failed to initialise because of the following error: The operation completed successfully."
- Windows NT Server v3.51

"Will administer ISO 9000 and year 2000 certification tests for food."
- Simon Slavin

http://slash.dotat.org
atdot.dotat.org - Mark Newton

"Boy, I can see that on my tombstone: 'He could manage UNIX systems and do 70's porno soundtracks.' That's depressing to think about."
- primus@shell1.aimnet.com

"So NT owners, don't worry too much - you may be able to crash your own machine, but that's probably nothing new."
- Mark Rejhon

"3.4) Where can I find clueful tech support?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Basically, I think there is some device the telco puts on the hone that ensures that whoever is on the other end of a service call is always a drooling moron with the IQ of a potted plant."
- The alt.sysadmin.recovery FAQ

"Kernel panic: write-only-memory (/dev/wom0) capacity exceeded."
- The BOFH excuse server

"My computer screen says 'Press any key to continue'. Can I borrow your keys? Mine are locked in my Yugo... "
- Some Guy (from Dilbert)

"Our chief weapons are 'who', 'ps -aux', 'kill -9', and a fanatical devotion to 'fastboot'"
- Sun User Group

"Look, buddy; Windows 3.1 IS A General Protection Fault."
- The BOFH excuse server

"But don't mind us over here in alt.religion.emacs. We're fanatics, so you can't take our word on anything."
"We are most certainly _not_ fanatics. We merely realize that the entire Purpose of Human Evolution is that we one day will create computers _powerful enough_ to run Emacs... (Etc)"
- Brian Raiter, Per Abrahamsen

"Get with the program, jeffrey. No one is 'wrong' on Usenet. They are either 100% totally correct, or they are 'a lying, scum sucking weasel.' There is no in between."
- Garrett Johnson

"From a real email message:... Hey chickadee Napoleon, thank you for the invasion of Russia, kabring, kabring. I saw you behind the bike shed with the Happy Sausage singing praises to the bogey man with the eye dropper nose. Don't try and catch me, I'm the Happy Prince... " King James I
- Peter Gutmann

"There was an advert in the local paper last week placed by a local software firm. They were looking for a sysadmin. Requirements included "3 years experience" with windows '95."
- Peter deFriesse, alt.sysadmin.recovery

"If MS products answer your problems best, buy them. If someone else's solution is a better fit, by all means buy it."
"Hey! This is an *.advocacy group! You can't use that logic in here!"
- kjlang@gcs-server.jsc.nasa.gov, tstanley@ou.edu

"Hiroshima '45... Chernobyl '86... Windows '95... "
- Evelyne_Pichler@edvg.co.at

"Why Windows NT Server 4.0 continues to exist in the enterprise would be a topic appropriate for an investigative report in the field of psychology or marketing, not an article on information technology."
- John Kirch, http://www.kirch.net/unix-nt.html

"Hugh Falk currently owns a TRS-80, TI 99/4A, Apple IIc, Vic-20, C-64, SX-64, Atari ST, Commodore Amiga, two networked PCs, and several old game systems. His goal is to someday load them all into a balloon and use the heat they generate to circle the globe."
- www.gamecenter.com

"Any attempt to brew coffee with a teapot should result in the error code '418 I'm a teapot'. The resulting entity body MAY be short and stout."
- HTCPCP Spec, RFC 2324

"It's a good thing there's more than one way to do it because most of them don't work."
- The Windows Perl Slogan

"Back in my youth, there were people who would take elements of one RPG and try to make them work for another, like 'James Bond would be a Paladin with charisma of 19'. The two I always wanted to combine were "Call of Cthulu" and "The Rocky and Bullwinkle Party Game". 'Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!' 'Again?'"
- David Jacoby


"I guess you could say that Linux is an international treasure."
"Wow, just like Shirley Temple! I wonder how the penguin would look in pink taffeta."
- Rex Ballard, Jordan K. Hubbard

"And Mr Caffeine-Deficient-Brain went... Imperial Star Destroyers? With serial ports?"
- Siggi the Underpaid, alt.sysadmin.recovery

"Which is better, Freebsd, or Linux?"
"FreeBSD because it has a cooler md5: fd861d80cc9153edc2d68a3d67980385 is much better than 1b61f2a016f7478478fcb13130fcec7b."
- Daniel Swan, Marc Slemko, comp.unix.bsd.freebsd.misc

"The stupid thing is, UNIX vendors insist on defining their market down to the point that they believe that they are market leaders (if your market is 40,000 units, and you have 35,000 of them, then you must be the big fish, right? Time to wield that 'ol monopolistic power... ), instead of competing in the larger market. We're all computers. No, we're everything but mainframes. No, we're mini-computers. No, we're workstations and servers. No, we're servers. No, we're... we're... we're out of business."
- Terry Lambert, comp.unix.bsd.freebsd.misc

Scully: But Linux isn't the Unix Standard!
Mulder: Try telling a Linux user that.

"Teach yourself Visual Perl for windows in 3 hours for dummies"
- Kirrily 'Skud' Robert

"The more idiot proof the software, the more it encourages the user to be careless and not think. Therefore, idiot-proof software actually encourages, contributes and actually CAUSES lusers to be stupid."
- The Strong Lusethropic Principle by Ben Cantrick

"As more idiot-proof software becomes available, more idiots are able to use computers. Idiot-proof software did not make or cause computer lusers; it simply allowed lusers to use computers where they could not before."
- The Weak Lusethropic Principle by Ben Cantrick

"It took some users a while to come to grips with the intuitive way Windows works."
- Graeme Wong See

Reality.Sys corrupted - Reboot Universe (Y/N)?

Soon in a computer shop near you: EDLIN for Windows!

Now available: Windows for Windows!

You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.

Turn your 486 into a gameboy; type OS2 at the C:\ prompt.

586, 32Mb 40ns RAM, 4Gb 2ms HD. Now Windows will beat DOS!

Windows is a colourful clown suit for DOS.

I couldn't possibly be wrong. I use an error correcting modem!

"DEL *.*" does WHAT?

Error 99 - CPU too tired to continue...

I tried an internal modem, but it hurt when I walked.

Dogs crawl under gates, software crawls under Windows!

Windows would look better with curtains.

There's a reason why there's no "OS" in Windows...

Intergalactic interference dropped my carrier.


Window Error: 01F Reserved for future mistakes.

Window Error:005 Multitasking attempted. System confused.

Windows isn't a virus... Viruses do something.

Dos - Venerable. Windows - Vulnerable. OS/2 - Viable.

Friends don't let friends use Windows.

"Dave, put down those Windows disks. Dave. DAVE!"
- HAL 9000

If Windows is user-friendly, why do you need to read a 672 pages manual?

If at first you don't succeed, call it Ver 1.0

If IBMs have Bugs, Do APPLES have Worms?

If it weren't for C, we would be using BASI, PASAL, LIPPER and OBOL!

Nothing beats Windows; it keeps loading and loading and loading...

Nothing is 100% certain, bug free or IBM compatible.

Use the Force, Luke... but not Windows

User not found. (S)mile, (L)augh, (T)hank God?

We all live in an yellow subroutine

ERROR 406. File corrupt: config.earth - reboot universe? (Y/N)

RUNTIME ERROR 6D at 417A32CF: Incompetent user

"Calm down. It's only ones and zeros."

To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

(001) Logic Error CLINTON.SYS: Truth table missing

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

(D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza.

Canadian DOS prompt: EH?\>

Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

Computers can never replace human stupidity

The truth is out there? Anyone knows the URL?

Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources.

It said, "Insert disk #3", but only two will fit!

Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression

The name is Baud... James Baud.

BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

E Pluribus Modem

File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...

ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

Hold a hard drive to your ear - listen to the C:

A life? Where can I download THAT?

I used to have a life. Now I have a modem.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...

Is there any chance that I can reboot my life?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading drive C?

Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer

(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened...

BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Is Not Responding.

Blessed are the pessimists, for they make backups!

Blessed is the end-user who expects nothing, for ye shall not be disappointed.

Brain dysfunction detected...

Brain over; Insert coin

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

FATAL SYSTEM ERROR: Press F13 to continue...

Feel lucky? Update your software!

Follow-ups to alt.nobody.really.cares

I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem.

If at first you don't succeed put it out for beta test.

Who is "they" anyway?

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Press Ctrl-Alt-Del for unlimited access to this system.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O! Are a sea ell ee?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Aye, de eye owe tea.

So does anyone use goto in Ada?

"... This bit here says 'I don't think we're in UNIX anymore Toto'..."

"Rock em sock em discuss their differences over cappucino robots"
- topic from #heathers

"But _all_ OS's _do_ suck. VMS sucks. Solaris sucks. SunOS sucks. MS-DOS doesn't qualify. Ultrix/OSF1/Digital Unix/Whatever it is this week sucks. HP/UX sucks. Dynix sucks. Esix sucks. CTIX sucks. Coherent sucks. SCO sucks. Xenix also doesn't qualify. Unicos sucks. MVS sucks. VM sucks. CMS sucks. NOS sucked. CP/M sucks..."[some more additions from other people] "TOPS-20 didn't suck bad enough, so it had to be destroyed."
- Miscellaneous rambling on alt.sysadmin.recovery

"... What in the fExoning hExonll..."
- One for the CDAers =) Scott Keszler in alt.sysadmin.recovery

OPERATOR ERROR: Nyah, Nyah, Nyah, Nyah, Nyah.

OS/2? I can't even do ONE thing at once.

Keyboard not found. Press any key to continue

"Luke! Use the mouse Luke."
- Obi Wan Gates

I tod yo, "Nevertouch he flopy dik suface!

He's got a magnet! Everybody BACKUP!

Unable to locate Coffee - Operator Halted!

C program run, C program crash, C programmer cry.

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

Apple (c) Copyright 1767, Sir Isaac Newton.

Backup aborted. Please remove disk #192 and start over.

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

(A)bort, (R)etry or (G)et a stick and kill it.

11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbour's Pentium.

MS-math: 486 + win95 = 286

Happiness is a BIG hard drive!

*NO CARRIER* - A Naval Aviator's worst nightmare!

Sector not found... Did you look under the sofa?

There were computers in Biblical times. Eve had an Apple.

Fatal mouse error. (B)ury or (R)eplace?

Insert FLIPPO in drive A: and press any key!

These lines have OLE capabilities: double click here [X]

Time flies when you are having mail.

Who needs a virus when we've got OS/2...?

Bad Command Or File Name! Go stand in the corner.

I wish I could remember where I parked my hard disk.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

If hackers ran the world, there'd be no war-lots of accidents, maybe.

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

Drop your carrier... we have you surrounded!

File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

File not found, I'll load something *I* think is interesting.

New Mail not found. Start whine-pout sequence? (Y/N)

Mary had a little RAM - only about a MEG or so.

Back up my hard disk? I can't find the reverse switch!

Line noise provided by Koninklijke PTT Nederland!

RAM DISK is NOT an installation procedure!

DOS never says "EXCELLENT command or filename"...

If it wasn't for C, we would be using BASI, PASAL and OBOL!


Press any key to start formatting the hard disk.

Shell to DOS... come in, DOS... do you read... over?

I only play with my computer on days that end in "Y."

But I thought YOU did the backups...

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy?

Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?

I@love~my$computer,;It's%made in Taiwa~##$ ` #@

#@$ffwe99fjaljk... Hey! Get the cat off the keyboard!

Benji! Don't run out onto the road! %$(#& NO TERRIER

I have to stop chatting now, my fingers are getting hoarse.

Keyboard not connected, press F13 to continue

When encryption devices are outlawed, only EE39#PQOUDKE51275KK&!JKDXBP

FATAL ERROR! SYSTEM HALTED! - Press any key to do nothing...

One on-topic post a day keeps the moderator at bay

My other computer is even slower.

Null modems were created when God got no handshake.

We all live in a yellow subroutine...

Beware of programmers carrying screwdrivers!

FILES=1 BUFFERS=0 FCBS=SAYWHAT BREAK=GIMME

Error 763 - Hard disk not ready, close door.

And, the driver compresses EVERYTHING, just not EXE & COM.

thistaglineproducedbypkzip.

My poor mouse only has one ball.

Include this in your CONFIG.SYS File: BUGS=OFF

Misspelled? Impossible. My modem is error correcting!

Whatever you delete today, you desperately need tomorrow.

Fun, fun, fun, 'til her daddy takes her BlueWave away!

Go straight to the docs. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200!

I'd rather ride the Wave than wallow in QWKsand!

I used to watch TV; then I bought a modem.

"At the moment, there seems to be around a 96% packet loss pinging from boomerang's serial0 to cirrus' serial1, which is probably too high for reliable use."

"alt.possessive.its.has.no.apostrophe"
- A real newsgroup

"In the beginning there was nothing... then there was EXCEL 97... Hmm. Okay, before that there were some other versions of Excel... and some nachos. But nothing else... and Excel 97 did calceth thy numbers and it hath plotteth thy data... And lo, it was draggeth-and-droppethed into thy lesser applications... And this was good and the world was at peace and stuff."
- Excel 97 Hidden Credits

"If all it takes is an infinite number of monkeys with typewriters, how come AOL haven't written any Shakespeare yet?"

"Microsoft - One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them, One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."
- S. Keeling, from alt.sysadmin.recovery

"Keyboard Error - Press <F1> to continue"
- PC BIOS error message

This is your brain on IDE...

"That's the only standard thing about the standards; that it's standard for one standard not to work with any other standard, although one standard on a second machine even though they may be similar, they are not the same, however different standards on other machines although different may comply to the same standard. Although the confusion is fairly standard. (Just recompile your mind with traditional, and standard :)"

"Actually, an oxymoron is more along the lines of a moron with an OH+ radical attached. Since both morons and free radicals tend to bind strongly to the first interesting thing that comes along, this is a match made in heaven."
- The Internet Oracle

"hppt:\\<hostname>\<path>\"
- Clueless spam mail at it's worst

"While the Big "M" folks in Redmond maintain the products are vastly different, critics allege Workstation can be switched into the Server version with a few easy tweaks. An official Microsoft marketer suggests that's like arguing the only difference between men and women is a Y chromosome. We think it's more akin to discovering your date is in drag."

"You have a virus. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Now erasing all disks... Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha P.S. Have a nice day Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha (Click to continue... )"
- Macintosh CODE 252 Virus

"I AM KORNSHELL HOLIO! I NEED T3 FOR MY CISCO! DO YOU HAVE T3?"

"User error. Replace user and press any key to continue."

"I really, really hate people."
"Me too. That's why I work tech support."

"This should NOT be useful information, but I just spent a whole day on it and have to spread the news: PCMCIA cards work better when not inserted upside-down.

"Right. So nobody can print. Which is a good thing. It's a _good_ thing that nobody can print."

"The pom utility displays the current phase of the moon. Useful for selecting software completion target dates and predicting managerial behaviour."

)!)@(#*$&%^, but also {<]#.(,@##, and what did you think of !$#&@)$^#...
The most expensive component always breaks first.

Mouse not found. Driver not installed. Click to continue.

One person's error is another person's data.

Any of you seen a modem carrier around here?

Dinner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza

I've got a Mickey Mouse PC with a Goofy operating system.

A.A.A.A.A. - An organisation for drunks who drive.

A.A.A.A.A. - American Association Against Acronym Abuse.

Adelaide water - The closest thing to Guinness without actually tasting nice.

Alone - In bad company.

Antidotes - what you take to prevent dotes.

Bachelor - A man who never makes the same mistake once.

Bacon and eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed.

Barium - what you do with dead chemists.

Bartender - just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

BBS - a method to triple your phone bill.

Black holes - where God divided by zero.

Boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

Circular Definition - see definition Circular.

Command - A suggestion made to a computer.

Computer Lie #1 - You'll never use all that disk space.

Concorde - Breakfast in London, Lunch in New York, Luggage in Bombay

Consciousness - that annoying time between naps.

Democracy - Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.

Documentation - The worst part of programming.

Dime - a dollar with all the taxes taken out.

Disneyland - A people trap operated by a mouse.

DOS - A small annoying boot virus that causes random spontaneous system crashes, usually just before saving a massive project. Easily cured by UNIX. See also MS-DOS, IBM-DOS, DR-DOS.

Duct tape is like The Force - it has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Experience - What you get when you don't get what you want

Feature - computer bug with seniority.

Fine - tax for doing wrong.
Tax - fine for doing fine.

Fifth Law of Applied Terror - If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
Corollary - If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.

Food Groups - fast, frozen, microwave, and junk.

Friend - someone who likes you even after they know you.

Golden Rule - He who has the gold makes the rules.

Hardware - The part of the computer that can be kicked.

Hellrung's Law - If you wait, it will go away.

Invisible Systems Inc. - If you don't see, we made it!

I.R.S. - We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Junk - stuff we throw away.
Stuff - junk we keep.

Justice - A decision in your favour.

Landing - a controlled mid-air collision with a planet.

Langsam's Law - Everything depends.

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humour.

Lottery - A tax on people who are bad at math.

Lottery - A tax on people who don't understand statistics.

LOTUS - Let Only The Users Suffer

Lysdexia - a peech imspediment we live to learn with...

MacIntosh - The step between Nintendo and IBM.

Mainframe - The biggest PC peripheral available.

Microsoft Corporation - a company that has become successful without resorting to software testing

MicroSoft Windows - 1. Something that comes with the mouse you bought 2. The Gates of hell 3. The solution to a problem that didn't exist before 4. Proof that God has a sense of humour.

MicroSoft Windows - a virus with mouse support.

MicroSoft Windows - just another pain in the glass.

"Military intelligence" is an oxymoron.

Mind over matter - If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Multitasking - Reading in the bathroom

Network - What fishermen do when not fishing.

Optimist - Someone who doesn't know all the facts yet.

Originality - the art of concealing your sources.

OS/2 - Half of an Operating System.

Philosophers can be divided into two groups - those who divide philosophers into two groups, and those who don't.

Phoneless Cord - for people who like peace and quiet.

Plaudipus - a small roman mammal that lays eggs and then presents you with a bill.

Politics - Poli (many), tics (blood sucking parasites)

Procrastination - I'll deal with it sooner or later.

Procrastination - never having to say you're sorry.

Pronoia - the suspicion that others are conspiring behind your back to HELP you.

Puritanism - The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

RAM - Rarely Adequate Memory.

Rap is to music, as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

Shin - Device for finding furniture in the dark.

Silence - Vangelis unplugged.

"Ski! - A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is 'Avalanche!' (Which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill)."
- The Skiers' Dictionary

Skydiving... good 'til the last drop.

Socialism - the equal distribution of poverty.

Smurfs vs Lemmings - The fight of the year.

Tech people + pizza = Tech people

Televangelists - The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

Terror - A female Klingon with PMS.

There are 3 kinds of people - those who can count and those who can't.

There are 3 kinds of lies - lies, damned lies & statistics

Tourists - terrorists with cameras.
Terrorists - tourists with guns.

Truthful - Dumb and illiterate.

The Two Rules of Success - 1. Don't tell everything you know.

Useful Latin phrases for today:
Get a life - Fac ut vivas
Hi. I'm here to pick up the Pope's Superbowl tickets - Ave. Hic adsum ad tesseras pontificis maximi Colosseo Maximo tollendas.
I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear. - Te audire non possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.

User - a technical term used by computer pros. See idiot.

Veni, Vidi, Visa - I Came, I Saw, I Shopped.

Vuja De - the feeling you'll be here later.

Wedding - A funeral where you smell your own flowers.

Engineering - "How will this work?"
Science - "Why will this work?"
Management - "When will this work?"
Liberal Arts - "Do you want fries with that?"

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

Support the right to arm bears.

Guns don't kill people. I do.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon

If infinite rednecks fired infinite shotguns at an infinite number of road signs, they'd eventually create all the great literary works of the world in Braille.

"WARNING: sending me junk-email will be interpreted as granting permission to bomb your offices and machine-gun your children."
- Simon Slavin, in alt.sysadmin.recovery

Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist!

So many lawyers, so few bullets.

So many pedestrians, so little time.

Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again!

We come in peace. Shoot to kill.

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

I only kill to know I'm alive.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

"Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation. Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations. Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation."
- Plunderer's Theme (to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious)

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why take chances?

If you were a poor Aztec with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

Same shit, different day.

Was today really necessary?

"Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw..."

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his ribcage.

Ooooooeee! They sure serve up them four-year-olds good, don't they?

UFO's are for real. The Air Force doesn't exist.

The light at the end of the tunnel is the light of an oncoming train.

Nobody gets out of the Bermuda Triangle. Not even for lunch.

Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.

I love cats... they taste just like chicken.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Death to all fanatics!

In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death

Stay Alert. Stay Awake. Stay Alive.

It's not just a hobby, it's an obsession!

When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like all the passengers in his car!

Screw the planet, save yourself.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, really loudly, for no good reason.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

It's good to have self-confidence. It's just nice to have a reason for it.

This ship will self-destruct in 5 minutes... Have a nice day!

I have the heart of a child. I keep it in a jar.

There are few problems that can't be solved with high explosives.

Never draw fire; it irritates the people around you.

Got kleptomania? Take something for it!

911. 
Press 1 if your house is on fire.
Press 2 if...

Why do computer scientists confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

What goes "Pieces of seven! Pieces of seven?
A parroty error.

Looking for a helping hand?
There's one on your arm.

What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.

Why are you looking down here?
The joke is above.

"Why do we have to hide from the police, Daddy?"
"Because we use vi, son. They use emacs."

A bald nun, a gay lawyer, and a Ravenous Bugblatter Beast walk into a bar. The bartender says, 'This has got to be the weirdest joke I've ever been in...'"

God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on where to go.
'Why not go to Jupiter?' asked St. Peter.
'No, too much gravity, too much stomping around,' said God.
'Well, how about Mercury?'
'No, it's too hot there.'
'Okay,' said St. Peter, 'What about Earth?'
'No,' said God, 'They're such horrible gossips. When I was there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're still talking about it.'

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
From a catalogue.

Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
To get to the other...er...um...

Is there an easy way I can disable an old winsock login script?
format c:

Why is the sky blue?
It's a fault in the universe's ray tracing algorithm.

The shortest distance between two puns is a straight line.

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most?
I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you?
You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

Death is a once in a lifetime experience.

Contrary to popular belief, life is like being thrown into a bed of roses. You get to smell the roses and feel the thorns.

Death is never prevented... just postponed

"When you see a light at the end of the tunnel, make sure it does not get any brighter. It could just be the headlight of an oncoming train."

Life is like a package from the Unabomber... ya never know what your gonna get

Death to all fanatics!

Today is the last day of some of your life.

Life's like raisin bran. Few raisins and lots of bran.

Reality Bites... and doesn't let go.

As they say... there are other piranhas in the fish tank.

For ages I thought life was like fishing in a swimming pool. Now the water's all drained out!

Just because the past runs you don't mean you can run from the future.

Life is a bowl of spaghetti O's. They're all zeros, you just have to eat them up.

At least pulling wool over your eyes keeps your face from freezing.

In life's wallet, there's no compartment for change.

The key to a good deal in life is not making a big deal about anything.

There is no need to lie your way through life, just keep the truth at a safe distance.

Is it worse to get your head handed to you, or your heart handed to you in a couple of pieces?

If you take life too seriously you won't get to laugh along with everybody else when you fail.

Thinking about the past is a great excuse to waste the present and forget about the future.

Hard work will never break up with you.

If you wage war on yourself-chances are-you'll lose.

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on.

If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we aren't really living.

Don't just take a pot shot at your dreams. You'll miss.

I found my dreams but they found somebody else.

In life's rat race, it's not how fast you can run but how good you deal with the cats that matter.

I'm not dead. I'm organically challenged.

There is one God, but which one is He.

Is God real or integer?

Who dies; wins.

Behind many a successful man is an exhausted woman.

Reality is that part of the imagination we all agree on.

If your parents didn't have children, you probably won't either.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

To be a teenager is to throw yourself of a cliff and after dead know that to fly is for the birds!

Nothing is wrong with you that reincarnation can't cure.

Remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.

Since she won't live forever, why give her a diamond?

Clones are people two.

I'm immortal. I'm bored. Let's party.

The body of a dead enemy always smells sweet.

My dog thinks he's human. My cat thinks he's GOD!

We will get along fine as soon as you realise that I'm God

Life without danger is a waste of oxygen.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Life in a vacuum sucks.

On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on.

If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we aren't really living.

In the beginning, there was nothing. And then it exploded...

Kill them all!... Let God sort them out.

Old musicians don't die... they just decompose.

God may have made man first, but there is always a ruff draft before a final copy.

Life is not a cabaret. It's a fucking circus.

"Life - nobody gets out alive"
- J.Q. Pelegano

"Here lies Jan Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, marble Cutter. This monument was erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory and a specimen of his work. Monuments of this same style are two hundred and fifty dollars."
- Gravestone Inscription

Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.

Life is cheap. It's the accessories that kill you.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you're dressed for it.

Chicken Little only has to be right once.

God pulled an all-nighter on the sixth day.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

A steak a day keeps the cows dead.

The trouble with getting a life is making the payments.

Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.

Life is unsure, always eat your dessert first.

Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.

Anything that kills you makes you... well, dead.

Join the army, meet interesting people, and kill them.

Adolescence is when children start bringing up their parents.

Relax. Only dread one day at a time.

If you can remember the '60s, then you weren't there.

42? 7 and a half million years and all you can come up with is 42?

Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run! Death hates that.

Mondays are the potholes in the road of life.

What's so great about humans anyway?

A hen is an egg's way of making another egg.

If life hands you a lemon, break out the tequila and salt!

Everything in time is birth to some and death to others.

You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories.

Don't take life so seriously. It won't last.

Live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

DO NOT ADJUST YOUR MIND - The fault is with reality.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!

Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!

I use to have a handle on life; then it broke

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

Old is always fifteen years older than I am.

Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!

Don't take life too seriously, it's not permanent.

Reality is an illusion created by alcoholic deficiency.

The meaning of life is to give life meaning.

My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Instead of being born again, why not just grow up?

There is no conclusive scientific evidence that life is serious.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.

Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway.

Breathing may be hazardous to your health.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional!

The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions.

"In the beginning the world was without form, and void. And God said 'Let there be light'. And God separated the light from the dark. And did two loads of laundry."

The problem with pessimists is that they're right too much.

If you take life too seriously you won't get to laugh along with everybody else when you fail.

Trust in God, but lock your car.

Murphy was an optimist.

Murphy's Law only fails when you try to demonstrate it.

There are two times I feel stress: day and night.

Avoid reality at all costs.

The real world is a special case.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Always smile. It makes people wonder what you're up to.

The Bible tells us to love our neighbours and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people

Lord save me from your followers.

Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Always smile. It makes people wonder what you're up to.

The present is not a free gift. You finance it with the future.

Religions change, but beer and wine remain.

Heisenberg might have slept here.
Moebius always does it on the same side.
Statisticians probably do it.
Algebraists do it in groups.
(Logicians do it) or [not (logicians do it)].

Heisenburg probably rules.

97.3% of all statistics are made up.

Did you hear the one about the statistician?
Probably...

Math and Alcohol don't mix, so... PLEASE DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE.

A mathematician is a person who says that, when 3 people are supposed to be in a room but 5 came out, 2 have to go in so the room get empty.
Statistics prove that 43.3% of statistics are meaningless!

5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions.

69% of statistics are "meaningless as well as undocumented information"... 89% of the world's population knows that

Pi R squared. NO! Pie are round, cornbread are square!

4 out of 5 people think the fifth person is an idiot!

We do precision guesswork.

Charlie was a Chemist, but Charlie is no more. What Charlie thought was H20 was H2SO4.

After four decimal places, nobody cares.

14% of Americans surveyed agree that Puerto Rico should not be the 51st state because "that extra star would make the flag look bad."
17% of college graduates would punch themselves really hard in the face for $50.
28% of Americans think that our army's high-tech military equipment is too expensive to risk in combat.
33% of American women agree that baseball was more exciting when it was on strike.

Two thirds of Americans can't do fractions. The other half, just doesn't care.

As easy as 1, 2, 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841

Charlie was a Chemist, but Charlie is no more. What Charlie thought was H20 was H2SO4.

Resistance is futile! (If < 1 ohm)

Enough research will tend to support your theory.

High explosives are applicable where truth and logic fail.

Given a conflict, Murphy's law supersedes Newton's.

If you aren't part of the solution, you're a precipitate.

As easy as 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Two wrongs don't make a right; three lefts do.

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

A penny saved is 2.5 grams of zinc alloy.

Statistics show every two minutes another statistic is created.

All that glitters has a high refractive index.

Gravity always wins.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Two most common elements in the universe - Hydrogen & Stupidity.

"A career in mathematics is the scholastic equivalent of [the] Vietnam War."

A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

Damnit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not some kind of medical technician!

20% of all road accidents in Sweden involve a moose.

"Truth decays into beauty, while beauty soon becomes merely charm. Charm ends up as strangeness, and even that doesn't last, but up and down are forever."
- The Laws of Physics

24 hours in a day and 24 beers in a case. Hmmmm...

Black holes really suck...

Gravity doesn't exist. Earth sucks.

"In the beginning there was nothing... which exploded."
- The shortened Big Bang theory

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The Earth is like a grain of sand, only bigger.

Being politically correct means always having to say you're sorry.

The difference between tax avoiding and evading is 10 Years.

Just fill out one simple form to win a Tax Audit!

Grow your own Dope; Plant a Politician.

Contents may have settled out of court.

The buck doesn't even slow down here!

If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.

Don't question authority... It hasn't got a clue!

Advice is free; The right answer will cost plenty.

History is a set of lies agreed upon by the Victor.

Almost all loan officers have artificial hearts.

War never decides who is right, only who is left.

A job is nice but it interferes with my life.

'Criminal Lawyer' is a redundancy.

Don't let school interfere with your education.

Where there's a will, there's a lawsuit.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I don't want the world; I just want your half.

Visit your money this year - vacation in Washington, D.C.

A fool and his money are... Hey! Where's my wallet?

Be patriotic - question authority.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... Until you can find a rock.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools

When there's a will, I want to be in it!

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

Stock up and save. Limit: One.

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya darn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.

The rich get richer. the poor get babies.

"Monopoly? No, we just don't want competition."

1st we shoot all the lawyers, 2nd we strangle them, 3rd..

Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda' neat.

Work is for those who have nothing better to do.

Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.

Get the facts first - you can distort them later!

Speak softly and carry a two-handed sword.

I've got a Mickey Mouse PC with a Goofy operating system.

If you can count your money you don't have a billion dollars.

Money is the root of all evil. Send $30 for more info.

Anything worth doing is worth getting someone else to do.

I want everything; do you have it?

The government solution to a problem is usually as bad as the problem.

Hard work has a future. Laziness pays off now.

All work and no play will make you a manager.

Work is a fine thing if it doesn't take too much of your spare time.

In case of nuclear war, prayer in schools will be okay.

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either.

Know thyself. If you need help, call the CIA.

So many cheques, so little money.

I simply want to be rich enough to be able to hold money in the contempt it deserves.

Worship the gods, listen to their advice, but don't lend them money.

MONEY TALKS... but all mine ever says is GOODBYE!

I am the root of some evil... send some money.

Money makes the world go around. Love just barely keeps it from blowing up.

All the money in the world can't buy you a smidgen of ignorance.

Happiness can't buy you money.

"Satan sincerely believes in the triumph of Evil. Gates just does it for the money."

Money is the root of all wealth.

Money can't buy everything. That's what credit cards are for.

Money talks... but all mine ever says is good-bye.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

The worst thing about censorship is [deleted by censorship bureau].

An honest politician is one who STAYS bought.

Think Globally. Act Locally. Support your Local Politician. With a Rope.

A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.

Don't just stand there... KNEEL!

Due to the outbreak of aids, employees will no longer be permitted to kiss the boss's ass.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, that they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Diplomacy is saying "Nice doggie!" until you can find a rock.

Earn cash in your spare time - blackmail your friends.

A little greed can get you lots of stuff.

Treat each day as your last, one day you will be right.

Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers.

A day without sunshine is like night.

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

I think I think, therefore I think I am.

I think, therefore I am. I think.
I think. Therefore I am DANGEROUS.

I am logged in, therefore I am.

Chemist who fall in acid, absorbed in work.

Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day, but give him a case of dynamite and soon the village will be showered with mud and seaweed and unidentifiable chunks of fish.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Don't be afraid to take a big step. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.

An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.

Journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

You'll get what's coming to you... Unless mailed

You're only young once; you can be immature forever

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

'Tis better to be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

To err is human, to moo is bovine.

To err is human, and stupid.

To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.

On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten.

A friend in need is a pest indeed.

A king's castle is his home.

A man's house is his hassle.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

What the hell, go and put all your eggs in one basket.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

A penny saved is ridiculous!

Every silver lining has a cloud.

The pen is mightier than the sword, until it runs out of ink.

Patience will come to he who waits for it.

People who live in glass houses... shouldn't.

A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Don't count your checks before they're cashed.

Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune time.

Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.

For every problem there is a simple solution, and it's always wrong.

Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.

Those who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glass.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.

If at first you don't succeed, blame it on your parents.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

A good man has few enemies. A ruthless man has none.

Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day, but give him a case of dynamite and soon the village will be showered with mud and seaweed and unidentifiable chunks of fish.

Talking comes by nature, silence by wisdom.

Intelligence is like a river: the deeper it is the less noise it makes.

Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.

Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may cancel your VISA.

Those who forget the pasta are condemned to reheat it.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.

Get thee down. Be thou funky.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder.

Moderation is good, but boring.

When all else fails, follow instructions.

If at first you don't succeed - give up! No use being a damn fool.

Start off every day with a smile and get it over with.

Virtue is it's own punishment.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

Never judge a book by its movie.

Love thine enemies... it really pisses them off.

The early cat gets the bird if the early dog hasn't already eaten it.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt.

Every silver lining has a cloud.

If at first you don't succeed... forget skydiving.

He who throws mud loses ground.

"I knew I'd been living in Berkeley too long when I saw a sign that said "Free Firewood" and my first thought was "Who was Firewood and what has he done?"
- John Berger

"Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynaecologist for a thorough extermination."
- An English subtitle used in a Hong Kong film

"Bite the wax tadpole."
- Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese

"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave."
- "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese

"Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis."
- In a Tokyo Hotel

"Please to bathe inside the tub."
- In a Japanese Hotel Room

"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."
- In a Bucharest Hotel Lobby

"Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up."
- In a Leipzig Elevator

"To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order."
- In a Belgrade Hotel Elevator

"Please leave your values at the front desk."
- In a Paris Hotel Elevator

"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."
- In a Hotel in Athens

"The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid."
- In a Yugoslavian Hotel

"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
- In a Japanese Hotel

"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."
- In the Lobby of a Moscow Hotel across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery

"Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."
- In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers

"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."
- On the Menu of a Swiss Restaurant

"Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup" with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion."
- On the Menu of a Polish Hotel

"For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self- service."
- In a Hong Kong supermarket

"Ladies may have a fit upstairs."
- Outside a Hong Kong tailors shop

"Drop your trousers here for best results."
- In a Bangkok dry cleaner's

"Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."
- In a Rhodes tailor shop

"There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."
- From the Soviet Weekly

"A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers."
- In an East African newspaper

"In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."
- In a Vienna hotel

"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose."
- In a Zurich hotel

"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."
- In a Rome laundry

"Would you like to ride on your own ass?"
- Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand

"Stop; Drive Sideways."
- Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan

"Special today - no ice cream."
- In a Swiss mountain inn

"Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."
- In a Tokyo bar

"We take your bags and send them in all directions."
- In a Copenhagen airline ticket office

"When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor."
- From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo

"Fuck 'em if they can't take a compliment."
"If you're going to be quoting Lao Tzu, then please at least give the guy proper citation."
- Detective Sanchez, Lt. Wilkes

"Ah'm thinkin'! And muh head hurts..."
- Yosemite Sam

"I tried to think but nothing happened!"
- Curly

"All life's answers are on TV."
- Bart Simpson

"If the shoe fits, buy it"
- Imelda Marcos

"A piano is a piano is a piano"
- Gertrude Steinway

"Hey diddle diddle the cat and the fiddle but the cow has failed on it's first attempt at the moon landing!... That's one small step for a cow, one giant leap for the beef industry..."
- Flacco, DAAS Kapital

"... Beyond a shadow of a doubt... who has seen doubt cast a shadow? Bull elephant seals cast shadows... beyond the shadow of a bull elephant seal..."
- Flacco, DAAS Kapital

"... Diamonds are forever, but _oranges_... are for half-time..."
- Flacco, DAAS Kapital

"... you know Ross, looking at you here... like this... legs akimbo... I could _GO_ for you mate... I reckon you're bloody _gorgeous_..."
- Flacco, DAAS Kapital

"*slap*"
"When she does that you're meant to say 'harder'..."
"Harder... but only if she ties me up..."
- Debra Langeluddecke, me, Richard White

"A girl and a boy bump into each other - surely an accident. A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops - surely another accident. But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid - _that had to mean something_."
- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers"

"You're not playing klondike again are you?"
"No, it's a hallucination."
"Oh, ok. Put the 8 on the 9."
- Ben Salmon, me, Ben

"An author once told me I must find my muse before I could write. When I finally found her, she was wearing a rubber helmet, a latex catsuit, a very tight corset, an arm binder, and ballet-toe boots with seven inch heels. I suspect I am not meant to be a writer."

"I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my blender."

"What a joy, what a thrill, when I get behind the wheel, And we set out to make our next road kill. The shiver of excitement as the body leaves the head... But if I can't find a dog or cat... a kid will do instead..."
- J. Stott and others

"'Son I am able' she said 'though you scare me', 'Watch' said I, 'Beloved' I said 'Watch me scare you', 'Though' said she 'able am I son'..."
- They Might Be Giants, "I Palindrome I"

"[The Net is] roted beyong belif... my typing is whit shit"
- Daniel O'Connor (talk conversation)

"Well I been called LUCIFER... And I been called SATAN... But my name's RICHARD... And YOU can call me DICK..."
- Killdozer, "Richard"

"No Ange, I'm _not_ coming to your party, I'm playing strip twister!"
- Anthia Rallis

"In the beginning there were three... and then the three became nine... and then the nine got hungry and then there were four..."
- Gerard Phillips

"Despite it's clever disguise the aperture to the right is not actually a window, but is a fire exit. _So_ if you want it open, please light this waste-paper bin so we aren't breaking the law, and the fire brigade will open it for you."
- Paul Gardner-Stephen

"Fish heads, fish heads, roly poly fish heads. Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up, yum."
- Barnes and Barnes, "Fish Heads"

"... [Paul's] got about _this_ much callus on the bottom of his feet. He's got _platform_ callous..."

Picard: "Return that moon to its orbit."
Q: "I have no powers! Q, the ordinary!"
Picard: "Q, the liar! Q, the misanthrope!"
Q: "Q, the miserable, Q, the desperate! What must I do to convince you people?"
Worf: "Die."
Q: "Oh, very clever, Worf. Eat any good books lately?"
- Star Trek - The Next Generation, "Deja Q"

"... They're the words you would think I would say if there was a me for you..."
- They Might Be Giants, "Ana Ng"

"... Mutant brain-eating cyborgs are bad for business..."
- "Battle Angel" (an Anime movie I saw)

"... No, Chris makes me think safe thoughts. ****** Makes me think disgusting thoughts..."
- Quanita Laattoe (Censored to protect the Not-so-innocent, not any more anyway =))

"In a way we're a kind of Peace Corps."
- Major A. Lincoln German, Training Director of the Green Beret Special Warfare School, Ft. Bragg, N. C.

"Bullshit makes the flowers grow and that's Beautiful."
- Unknown, Principia Discordia

"I say Carmina and you say Burana, I say Catulli and you say Carmina, Carmina! Burana! Catulli! Carmina! Let's call the whole thing Orff..."
- Unknown, via Adrian Corston

"... I disturbed a burglar the other night... I told him there is no god..."
- Peter Murkin (sp?)

"... I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo... in morse code..."

"Are we not men?"
"We are DEVO!"
- Devo, "Jocko Homo"

"What is the difference between apathy and ignorance? I don't know and I don't care."
- World Entertainment War

"Perl - the Swiss army chainsaw of UNIX tools"
- Rob Kolstad

"... Our elderly citizens walk down the darkest of alleyways... and the weak and nerdy are admired for their computer programming abilities!"
- Homer Simpson

"MY GOD BENNO... WAY TOO MANY QUOTES :)"
- Execution aka James Morledge

"Could a person, given enough strength, bludgeon someone to death with a potato?"
"Been there, done that"
- Dave Fischer, alt.discordia

"Death is yellow and smells of vanilla."
"Are you sure?"
"I'd bet money on it."
- "The Hairdresser's Husband" (a movie I saw on SBS)

"Oh no! I can't go to the deli! My singles cover has lapsed!"
- Lyndall Holmes

"People are always playing with my things."
- Brett "Bwettles" Hayne

"Every cloud has a silver up the creek without a paddle horse."

"... fishky fishky fishky... fishky fishky fishky... fishky fishky fishky... fishky fishky fishky... fishky fishky fishky... fishky fishky fishky..."

"... He repeats until he fails, half a goon and half a god, a man's not made of steel..."
- Devo, "Gates of Steel"

"... Anyway talking about yuckies... oops I mean yuppies..."
- Kristy Wilsen

"... Doing what men do normally... bonding... endlessly congratulating each other... and wandering around in small groups looking for something to break..."
- Robin Williams, World Series Debating, "That there is life beyond Earth"

"... You never, for instance, hear people say, 'Is that a wad of undiscarded belly button fluff, or are you just glad to see me?'"
- The Usenet Oracle

"They called me mad, and I called them mad, and damn them, they outvoted me."
- Nathaniel Lee, on being consigned to a mental institution, circa 17th century.

"Yep, [My 21st is] only 3 years away, but I'm not going to have a party."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm going to be dead by then."

"Most people have read The Hobbit, picked up Lord of the Rings and have gone 'Ugh... if I have to read one more three-page description of a tree... '"

"If a picture paints a thousand words could the Bible then become 36 collectable bubblegum cards?"
- DAAS Songbook

"PSS. Hey Guido... it's all so clear to me now... I'm the Keeper of the Cheese... and you're the Lemon Merchant... and he KNOWS... that's why he's going to KILL us... and we have to get away before he sets loose the marmosets upon us... DON'T WORRY LITTLE MISSY! I'LL SAVE YOU!"
- Ren, from Ren & Stimpy, "In the Army"

"It must have gone down while I was up..."
- Janet Robertson

"Hey, I bought a cool 3D Pinball game and got an operating system with it!"
- Simon Hackett, referring to Win95

"Well bugger me."
"With pleasure."
- Karen Peisley, Andrew Rutherford

"I think my favourite word at the moment is 'sphincter'. People have been using it a lot lately and it's starting to grow on me."
- Karen Peisley

"I've even seen adverts for an Australian beer called 'Castlemaine F*ck'. At least, I assume that's what it's called - the hoarding adverts say things like 'Australians wouldn't give a XXXX for anything else' and so on. I wonder how anyone brings themselves to order such a thing. ;-)"
- Jo Walton, in rec.arts.sf.written (found in alt.humor.best-of-usenet)

"It's amazing what can get up there. People have got foot-long zucchinis stuck up there."
"Well that's why you use barbeque tongs..."
- Andrew Rutherford, Karen

"He's dead, Jim. You grab his wallet; I'll grab his tricorder."

"He's alive, Jim. Should I shoot him again?"
- Dr Bones McCoy

"Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes!"

"How can you be so deaf with ears like that?"
- Dr McCoy

"Tell me what you think, Captain, I'm all ears"
- Spock

"Have you got a better idea? I'm all ears."
- Ross Perot

"Captain! I protest, I am NOT a merryman."
- Worf

!teG I sdrawkcaB eroM ehT oG I sdrawroF eroM ehT

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
- Bill Gates, 1981

"Call it a hunch."
- Quasimodo

"Data, I thought you were dead!"
"No, sir, I rebooted"

"Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate."
- Tom Jones

"I'll be Bach."
- Johann Sebastian Schwarzenegger

"Oh Bother!", said Pooh as he pulled a tribble out of his honey pot.

"Oh Bother!", said Pooh as he opened his America Online bill.

"If God had meant for us to be naked, we'd have been born that way."
- Mark Twain

"Knowing is not enough;
We must apply.
Willing is not enough;
We must do."
- Goethe

"Half of the world's misery comes from ignorance. The other half comes from intelligence."
- Bonar Thompson

"No victor believes in chance."
- Neitzsche, Aphorism 258

"Evil will always prevail, because good is dumb."
- Spaceballs

"Stir a cesspit and a foul stench arises; stir perfume and a delightful fragrance ascends. But the movement is identical."
- St. Augustine

"The most violent element in society is ignorance."
- Emma Goldman

"Religion is the opiate of the masses."
- Marx

"The successful people are the ones who can think up stuff for the rest of the world to keep busy at."
- Don Marquis

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear."
- Mark Twain

"Little is the number that think with their own mind and feel with their own heart."
- Albert Einstein

"Against boredom, even the gods themselves struggle in vain."
- Nietzsche

"You can trust the Americans to do the right thing, after they have tried every other alternative."
- Winston Churchill, 1941

"Never apologise for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologise for truth."
- Benjamin Disraeli

"All the good things in life are immoral, illegal or heavily taxed."
- Oscar Wilde

"The difference between a genius and a lunatic is that the genius has proof."
- Dominique Bouchard

"People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes."
-Abigail Van Buren

"Morality is a relative concept projecting certain mythologies associated with magico-religious beliefs."
- A Harvard student (60's)

"I'm the one that's got to die when its time for me to die, so let me live my life the way I want to."
- Jimi Hendrix, "If 6 was 9"

"Mistakes are a fact of life. It is the response to error that counts."
- Nikki Giovanni

"Beware the barrenness of a busy life."
- Socrates

"I think; therefore I am."
- Rene Descartes

"Humour is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place."
- Mark Twain

"And don't tell me God works in mysterious ways", Yossarian continued "There's nothing mysterious about it, He's not working at all. He's playing. Or else He's forgotten all about us. That's the kind of God you people talk about, a country bumpkin, a clumsy, bungling, brainless, conceited, uncouth hayseed. Good God, how much reverence can you have for a Supreme Being who finds it necessary to include such phenomena as phlegm and tooth decay in His divine system of Creation? What in the world was running through that warped, evil, scatological mind of His when He robbed old people of the power to control their bowel movements? Why in the world did He ever create pain?"
- Joseph Heller, Catch22

"Insisting on perfect safety is for people who don't have the balls to live in the real world."
- Mary Shafer, NASA Ames Dryden

"I meant," said Ipslore bitterly, "what is there in this world that truly makes living worth while?" Death thought about it "Cats," he said eventually, "Cats are Nice."
- Terry Pratchett, Sourcery

"In a mad world, only the mad are sane."
- Akiro Kurosawa

"Any fool can make a rule, and any fool will mind it."
- Henry David Thoreau

"Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person."
- Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens), Notebooks(1935)

"The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out, the conservative adopts them."
- Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)

"The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven."
- Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)

"There are people who strictly deprive themselves of each and every eatable, drinkable, and smokable which has in any way acquired a shady reputation. They pay this price for health. And health is all they get for it. How strange it is. It is like paying out your whole fortune for a cow that has gone dry."
- Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)

"A man's ethical behaviour should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death."
- Albert Einstein

"The further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more certain it seems to me that the path to genuine religiosity does not lie through the fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but through striving after rational knowledge."
- Albert Einstein

"Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence."
- Albert Einstein

"Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism - how passionately I hate them!"
- Albert Einstein

"How I wish that somewhere there existed an island for those who are wise and of good will."
- Albert Einstein

"Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend."
- Albert Camus

"That's what learning is, after all; not whether we lose the game, but how we lose and how we've changed because of it and what we take away from it that we never had before, to apply to other games. Losing, in a curious way, is winning."
- Richard Bach, note written by Richard Bach, The Bridge Across Forever

"Most people would rather die than think; in fact, they do so."
- Bertrand Russell

"Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons."
- Bertrand Russell

"The Christian view that all intercourse outside marriage is immoral was, as we see in the above passages from St. Paul, based upon the view that all sexual intercourse, even within marriage, is regrettable. A view of this sort, which goes against biological facts, can only be regarded by sane people as a morbid aberration. The fact that it is embedded in Christian ethics has made Christianity throughout its whole history a force tending towards mental disorders and unwholesome views of life."
- Bertrand Russell

"Men fear thought as they fear nothing else on earth, more than ruin, more even than death... Thought is subversive and revolutionary, destructive and terrible, thought is merciless to privilege, established institutions, and comfortable habit. Thought looks into the pit of hell and is not afraid. Thought is great and swift and free, the light of the world, and the chief glory of man."
- Bertrand Russell

"The First Amendment is often inconvenient. But that is beside the point. Inconvenience does not absolve the government of its obligation to tolerate speech."
- Justice Anthony Kennedy

"With the first link, a chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden the first freedom denied chains us all irrevocably."
- Picard, ST:TNG, quoting a fictional judge, The Drumhead

"Respect for individual rights is the essential precondition for a free and prosperous world,... and that only through freedom can peace and prosperity be realised."
- refute to the Libertarian Platform

"Take Nothing but Pictures. Leave nothing but footprints. Kill nothing but time."
- Motto of the Baltimore Grotto (caving society)

"Faith - not *wanting* to know what is true."
- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

"Faith (noun) - Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel."
- Ambrose Bierce

"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use."
- Galileo Galilei

"I have recently been examining all the known superstitions of the world, and do not find in our particular superstition (Christianity) one redeeming feature. They are all alike founded on fables and mythology."
- Thomas Jefferson

"The clergy believe that any portion of power confided to me will be exerted in opposition to their schemes. And they believe rightly: for I have sworn upon the altar of God eternal hostility against every form of tyranny known to the mind of man."
- Thomas Jefferson

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
- Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- PS magazine, August 1993 issue, pg 9, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

"The aim of education should be to teach us rather how to think, than what to think - rather to improve our minds, so as to enable us to think for ourselves, than to load the memory with the thoughts of other men."
- Bill Beattie

"Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death."
- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

"Nothing in education is so astonishing as the amount of ignorance it accumulates in the form of inert facts."
- Henry Brooks Adams

"Curiosity about life in all of its aspects, I think, is still the secret of great creative people."
- Leo Burnett, quoted in 100 LEO's, Chicago, IL: Leo Burnett Company, p. 26.

"Saying something intelligent, as opposed to saying something, is very difficult even for me. I can imagine how it must be for most people."
- Isaac Asimov, 9 September 1969, in Yours, Isaac Asimov: A Lifetime of Letters

"So in conclusion, gentlemen, fuck you."
- NY State Senator Allan K. Race (D), in a written response to a racist group's letter.

"If you're looking for the suspect in a suicide bombing, here's a clue: Look for the dead guy."
- Norm MacDonald

"Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted."
- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

"Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo."
- H.G. Wells

"Wit is educated insolence."
- Aristotle (284-322 B.C.)

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."
- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

"You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty."
- Sacha Guitry (1885-1957)

"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."
- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away."
- Philip K. Dick

"Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating and religion."
- The Dilbert Principle

"Whenever I die it's going to piss me off"
- Mr. Buckman on "Mad About You"

"Imagination is more important than knowledge."
- Albert Einstein

"Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich."
- Napolean

"Men have become the tools of their tools."
- Henry David Thoreau

"What luck for rulers that men do not think."
- Adolph Hitler

"It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong."
- Voltaire

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?

"To Yossarian, the idea of pennants as prizes was absurd. No money went with them, no class privileges. Like Olympic medals and tennis trophies, all they signified was that the owner had done something of no benefit to anyone more capably than everyone else."
- Joseph Heller, catch-22

"Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. With Major Major it had been all three. Even among men lacking all distinction he inevitably stood out as a man lacking more distinction than the rest, and people who met him were always impressed with how unimpressive he was."
- Catch-22

"Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be"
- Kurt Von Negut

"It is easier to ask forgiveness than to ask for permission."

"You cannot be wise without some basis of knowledge, but you may easily acquire knowledge and remain bare of wisdom"
- Alfred North Whitehead

"An idea that is not dangerous is not worthy of being called an idea at all"
- Oscar Wilde

"Your best? Losers always wine about their best, winners go home and F#$& the prom queen"
-Sean Connery, "The Rock"

"The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, or not to anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly."
- Buddha

"When you have nothing to say, say nothing."
- Charles Caleb Colton

"Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance."
- Confucius

"Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves."
- Carl Jung

"You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do."
- Olin Miller

"No drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power."
- P.J. O'Rourke

"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me."
- Hunter S. Thompson

"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
- Harry S. Truman


"Anybody remotely interesting is mad, in some way or another."
- Dr. Who

"Morale was deteriorating and it was all Yossarian's fault. The country was in peril; he was jeopardising his traditional rights of freedom and independence by daring to exercise them."
- Catch-22

"I propose to you that if we are to pay our respects to the hundred lost children of San Lorenzo, that we might best spend the day despising what killed them; which is to say, the stupidity and viciousness of all mankind. Perhaps, when we remember wars, we should take off our clothes and paint ourselves blue and go on all fours all da long and grunt like pigs. That would surely be more appropriate than noble oratory and show of flags and well oiled guns."
- Ambassador Milton, The Cat's Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut

"Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt"
- Kurt Vonnegut "Slaughterhouse Five"

"America is the wealthiest nation on Earth, but it's people are mainly poor, and poor Americans are urged to hate themselves... It is in fact a crime for an American to be poor, even though America is a nation of poor. Every other nation has folk traditions of men who were poor but extremely wise and virtuous, and therefore more estimable than anyone with power and gold. No such tales are told by America's poor. They mock themselves and glorify their betters."
- Kurt Vonnegut "Slaughterhouse Five"

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole cover and die."
- Mel Brooks

"I know! I'll transcribe the conversations between the voices in my head and send them to you!"
- David Borenstein

"Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics."
- Fletcher Knebel

"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a dark side, it has a light side, and it holds the Universe together."
- Carl Zwanig

"A hell of a fat chance my orange bears had."
- Kenneth Patchen

"Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped."
- Sam Stevenson

"We are the people our parents warned us about."
- Jimmy Buffett

"The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others."
- Gerry Brown

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another."
- George Bush 

"I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them."
- George Bush, US President

"Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand."
- Duffy Daugherty, football coach and sports analyst

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
- Lee Iacocca

"Please provide the date of your death."
- IRS letter

"I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes."
- Richard Nixon, US President

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran- Contra testimony

"We are sorry to announce that Mr Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover."
- Parish Magazine

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
- Bill Peterson, football coach

"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a - it is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."
- Dan Quayle, US VP

"Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it."
- Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant


"We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally."
- Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst

"Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything."
- Ivana Trump, upon finishing her first novel

"I've read about foreign policy and studied - I know the number of continents."
- George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- Dan Quayle

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
- Dan Quayle

"Potatoe"
- Dan Quayle

"The road of good intentions is paved with Hell."
- Spencer Ante

"If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
- Brooke Shields

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
- Dan Quayle

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
- Dan Quayle

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
- Keppel Enderbery

"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
- Dan Quayle

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have is that I didn't study my Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
- Dan Quayle

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
- Dan Quayle

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
- Samual Goldwyn

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago..."
- Dan Quayle

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
- Jason Kidd

"The people in the Navy look on motherhood as being compatible with being a woman."
- Rear Admiral James R. Hogg

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
- Dan Quayle

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"We apologise for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce."
- Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

"One of their children, Cain, once asked, 'Am I my brother's son?'"
- Student Bloopers

"Yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again."
- L. Long

"Milhouse, we live in the age of cooties!"
- Bart Simpson

"I love it when a plan comes together!"
- A-Team

"Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything."
- Charlie Brown

"The male body is aerodynamic..."
"Yeah, it's got a keel."
"So what does that make a female? A catamaran?"
- Amy, me, Heath Copeland

"MSDOS has to be one of the suckiest OSes ever."
"Umm... a small technical point. Messy-Dross is _not_ a true operating system. It's a program loader with a hard-on and delusions of grandeur."
- Gary Barnes, Valdis Kletnieks from alt.sysadmin.recovery

"Internode Professional Access: A Great Route, Every Time"
- Simon Hackett

"Paper can KILL if it's thrown hard enough, sometimes."
- James "Kibo" Parry

"It's still got a kind of throat inspection sound about it..."
- Tim Marks

"I can fit the whole thing in my mouth, but I can't blow it while it's in there..."
- Sarah O'Brien, in reference to her pitch pipe

"That post-coital glue..."
- Sarah O'Brien

"It smells like a technicolour yawn..."
"Tastes like it too."

"You can't see my face... it's buried in that girl's face..."
- Sarah O'Brien

"Sleep is for wimps. Happy, healthy, well-rested wimps, but wimps nonetheless"
- Gary "Wolf" Barnes, in alt.sysadmin.recovery

"... Well I just spent 20 minutes pretending to be a gay priest called Fred while holding up a pole supporting a tightrope for a guy juggling fire..."

"Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while."
- Fortune

"I think I'd like to see a Simpsons episode start up with Bart Simpson writing 'I will not attempt to undermine the Usenet cabal.'"
- J.D. Falk, in alt.sysadmin.recovery

"... Powerful like a gorilla, yet soft and yielding like a nerf ball..."
- Homer Simpson

"I'm sorry, but anyone who thinks the use of an angelic (or seemingly angelic character), whose likes have been written about for, oh, about 4,000 years, is ripping off Star Trek, has his head so thoroughly up his ass as to have blipped into an entirely new intestinally-based reality and desperately needs to get a wider frame of reference."
- J. Michael Straczynski

"It's a small world, unless you have to clean it."
- from the cover of Snog's "Dear Valued Customer" album

"Cognitive Dissonance Is Your Friend."
- J. Michael Straczynski

"Seal Greasing Station"
"Strut Rod Grinding"
- Signs we saw in the Monroe shock absorber factory

"Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone, but when she got there the cupboard was bare so THE POOR MONGREL STARVED TO DEATH!"
- Flacco, "DAAS Kapital"

"Are any members of Tool gay?"
"Only the flutist."

"Welcome to the rehearsal on the morning after the night before."
- me, after post-concert-party #1 at Melbourne Intervarsity Choral Festival 1998

"... And if you get some milk I'll be eternally grateful."
"Terminally grateful? You mean you're going to thank me with extreme prejudice?"
- Garth and then me mishearing

"Men of all shapes and sizes, ages and creeds, and states of marital or relationship bliss enjoy, every now and then, the sight of a woman with no clothes on. It's just as well we do, you know, otherwise there'd be no new little earthlings, would there? If you want to call that oppression or sexism or the co-modification of the female body then go right ahead, but don't expect me to talk to you at dinner parties. I prefer to call it sexual attraction, but then I'm a sad fuck who spends half his life in front of computer, so what the hell do I know?"
- Michael Marshall Smith, "More Tomorrow"

"Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is an absurd one."
- Voltaire

"It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs."
- Oxford University Press, Edpress News

"... Antichrist Superstar is an unexpectedly cohesive album from a silly shock-metal band and will stand as Marilyn Manson's definitive statement."
- Stephen Thomas Erlewine, All-Music Guide

"I almost stepped on your dog last night."
"Where was it?"
"Under my foot."
- Angela Randall, Rachael, Angela

"spot spot spot HELP"
- Supermoo

"As a computing professional, I believe it would be unethical for me to advise, recommend, or support the use (save possibly for personal amusement) of any product that is or depends on any Microsoft product."
- David H. Wolfskill, in alt.sysadmin.recovery

"Can I LART an aol'r for attempting to subscribe to a majordomo list with their street address, or should I wait for a second offence?"
- Allan Stojanovic, in alt.sysadmin.recovery

"I love MCI, put another star in my traceroute baby! I love MCI, so come on take your time and route for me!"
- Hillary Gorman, to the tune of "I love Rock and Roll"

"... I know someday you'll have a beautiful life, I know you'll be a sun in someone else's sky, But why can't it be mine?"
- Pearl Jam, "Black" (Ok, so it's sickening. Sue me.)

"You don't change the way people think by changing what they say. You change the way people think with HEADLESS CHARRED BODIES FLYING THROUGH THE AIR. BLOOD! FLAMES! HELLFIRE AND DAMNATION!"
- Alastair J. R. Young

"Game over boys!"
- Mr. Flibble

"Television is a medium. Proof - a) Television is not rare. b) Television is not well done. QED"
- Robert Bonomi

"I was really worried, I've never seen you come so quickly..."
- Angela Randall

M-x psychoanalyse-pinhead - Instant Quote, just add emacs
"My aunt is a zombie, from hell."
- The little girl from "Not without my handbag"

"Walking the earth as a living corpse is probably in rather questionable taste."
- The aunt from "Not without my handbag"

"My dad was always really protective of his tools... well, not THAT tool... OK, so he was pretty protective of that one too, but I'm talking about the tools that you make stuff with... well, sure, I suppose he DID make _me_ with that particular one, but... OH NEVERMIND. My dad always told me that if some alien came around trying to borrow my Phillips screwdriver that I should just stab him/her/it/them with it."
- Lt. Wilkes, my role model

"You have to take a lighter approach now. Jumping up on a table in a busy restaurant, swinging from the ceiling fans, and screaming, 'YOU'RE ALL GONNA BURN IN HELL,' just scares people away."
- Interview with Steven Forker, on his future role as the Third Coming of Christ, in Precious the Cow Magazine (from the sig of Lt. Wilkes)

"Still not getting any."
- Drew Hamilton, in an article titled "July 17 Update" in alt.sex.drew-hamilton

"It is the policy of the Association for the Study of Meats not to engage in discrimination or harassment against any person on the basis of race, colour, religion, intelligence, sex, lack thereof, national origin, ancestry, incestry, age, marital status, disability, sexual orientation, unfavourable discharge from the military, other unfavourable discharges, or status as a disabled veteran or veteran of the Vietnam era and to comply with all Federal and State non-discrimination, equal opportunity and affirmative action laws, orders, and regulations. The University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign does not necessarily endorse, recommend, or approve the products and services mentioned on this page. However, the administrators probably eat Spam(tm), so you shouldn't really care what they think. You are dumb. The above statement does not necessarily reflect the views of the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign (but you know that's what they think of you). Copyright (C) 1996 Association for the Study of Meats. All rights reserved. Your mileage may vary. Shipped by weight, not by volume. Legal in 49 states. Sorry, Tennessee. Fnord"
- Disclaimer from the home page of the Association for the Study of Meats

"O mysterious, wondrous and downright amazing Oracle. How come we never see baby pigeons?"
"You do, but you only see them before they go into their cocoons and grow wings. Baby pigeons are usually called 'squirrels'."
- Generic Supplicant, The Internet Oracle

"Conspiracies abound. If everyone's against you, the reason can't _possibly_ be that you're a fvckhead."
- The Usenet Guide to Power Posting

"What are you clearing your throat for?"
"Practice."
- Tanya, Alasdair

"We're the best Internet provider in Adelaide... [rest of pitch removed]"
"Well we're _also_ the best Internet provider in Adelaide..."
- Bruce Lim (Camtech), Simon Hackett (Internode)

"Did you hear that? Karen wants to keep the male air steward under her desk..."
"He won't eat much..."
- Me (to Andrew), Karen (from the other side of the room)

"Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere."
- Fortune

"I'd love to go out with you but I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting..."
- Fortune

"Does anyone want to keep the rubber maid...?"
- Cathy Jenkins

"Home pages are the pet rock of the 90s. They all have them, they all think they're very cute. But in a few years they're going to look back and be pretty embarrassed."
- Kim Alm

"Programming is like sex: One mistake and you support it a lifetime."
- Paul S. Sears

"New York City: No matter how many times I visit this great city I'm always struck by the same thing: a yellow taxi cab."
- Scott Adams, DNRC Newsletter 12.0

"I've been working under operation code named duck and cover for so long now I can neither confirm nor deny whether I can recall if I'm allowed to confirm nor deny my own existence. Now does that make any sense to you?"
- Bob the Psychopath, DAAS Kapital

"Interestingly, most Unix utilities have a command line option which will cause the system to rip the user's legs off and beat them to death with the soggy ends. This is often the default behaviour."
- Bruce Murphy

"Oh yes, for dinner we had an amazing meal which consisted of coagulated cholesterol cooked in a mixture of cholesterol and cholesterol, covered in ground cholesterol and cooked, then served with a cholesterol sauce and a sprinkler of cholesterol in the middle of the table in case it's not heavy enough. You could feel your arteries closing up just looking at it."
- Peter Gutmann, in alt.sysadmin.recovery

"Did you ever get to thinking that maybe you are just an android, placed on Earth by an advanced civilisation of huge radish-like aliens who are studying your every move?"
"No."
"Me neither."
- Dogbert, Dilbert, Dogbert

"It's a smoker's joke."
"What's a smoker's joke?"
"Cancer."
- Abraham, Alasdair, Abraham

"SCSI is _not_ magic. There are _fundamental technical reasons_ why it is necessary to sacrifice a young goat to your SCSI chain now and then."
- John Woods, jfw@proteon.com

"Do you hate people?"
"Pretty much, I would have to say absolutely."
"Why?"
"Ignorance."
- Random Interviewer, Maynard James Keenan (lead singer of Tool)

"Eddie Moto, Hunchback of Midvale Community College. In charge of dismissal bell."
- The Far Side

"Having now got the hang of this intercom thing, I am now going to use it to bugger people mercilessly."
- Simon (freudian perhaps?)

"... Schubert... nothing wrong with Schubert... except syphilis..."
- David Helfgott, "Shine"

"... And call off Christmas!"
- Alan Rickmann, aka the Sheriff of Nottingham, "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves"

"Our policy is to first seek candidates from within the company. If none is qualified, you must use a sock puppet."
- Catbert, Evil Human Resources Director

"... You haven't seen untidiness until you've seen a room where the gravity has failed twice in different directions."
- Michael Marshall Smith, "Only Forward"

"If at first you don't succeed, redefine success."
- From the sig of Malcom Herbert

"| <- You must be smarter than this stick to ride the Internet"
- Mike Handler, paraphrased from Bev White

"Our strategic alliance is working well. Our company provides amazing technical skill and your company has a seemingly endless supply of three-ring binders."
"Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated."
"Is it true that if your name is written in a binder you lose your soul?"
- Some Guy, Dilbert, Some Other Guy

"When life hands you a lemon, say 'Oh yeah, I _like_ lemons, what else ya got?'"
- Henry Rollins

"From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"

"I don't have the lungs to cope with sustained plot loss..."
- Garth Kidd

"You'd better talk to Adrian, he's better at testicle support..."
- Lynn Howard (oops)

"You stop that. You scare my chickens."
- Wing Commander IV, when you quit

"Zoom Schwartz Pfigliano Butterman Coleman Uncle Toby's Morowitz You've found the loophole You've found the other loophole Oh fuck Smeg Hymen (Baa... )"
- The Name of the Game

"... Standing in my yard, where they tore down the garage, to make room for the torn down garage..."
- They Might Be Giants, "A Self called Nowhere"

"Quotation, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another."
- Ambrose Bierce

"The Hell Law says that Hell is reserved exclusively for them that believe in it. Further, the lowest Rung in Hell is reserved for them that believe in it on the supposition that they'll go there if they don't."
- Honest Book of Truth; The Gospel According to Fred, 3:1

"I remember the last thing my grandfather said to me... in fact the last thing he ever said... he said 'Paul, give me back my pills'..."
- Paul McDermott, DAAS "Dead and Alive"

"Successful rewiring of the network, but now the Mac won't print. Film at 11."
- Lars Rasmussen, in alt.sysadmin.recovery

"Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end."
- From Ross Williams' FunList

"While I was doing this, a neighbour walked up, and I just want to say that if you think it's easy to explain why you're squatting in your driveway, in front of a set of burning underwear, surrounded by hair spray bottles, holding a Barbie doll in your hand, then you are mistaken."
- Dave Barry

"It's tupperware. Of course it exists. We only wish it didn't."
- Kez Bartsch

"Next to is good. Near is good. Just not _on_... _don't_ generalise that comment."
- Alasdair

"Is that a near-death experience?"
"No that's a nipple..."
- Damien Day, Sarah Brown

"... And 9% of people said that they were a small orange cube of wood, and that they fully supported the Government's view on education..."
- Alexei Sayle, "Alexei Sayle's Stuff"

"Thanks For Using My Yahoo!"
- Ashvin Patel, employee of Yahoo!

"Well, I made up for it big time the next night at another concert. Jill Sobule (of "I Kissed a Girl" fame) actually thanked me for being the maniac I am, people continue to be frightened of me, and I also triggered a "why-can't-you-be-in-shape-like-him" from a woman to her boyfriend. I may not have made a spectacle of myself at the Swans concert, but at least I destroyed a relationship.:-)... Wait a minute. That's not funny. I'm evil. *sob*"
- Lt. Wilkes, discussing his form of "dancing"

"Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And East is East and West is West and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste more like prunes than a rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know."
- Groucho Marx

"Hmmm. Are domestic abusers _always_ thinking about dairy products?"
- Lt. Wilkes

"When will my raise be effective?"
"The same time you are."
- Wally, Catbert (from Dilbert)

"Caesar is all things to all men!"
"It must be hell in there..."
- Moriarty (aka Spike Milligan), Major Bloodnock (aka Peter Sellers), The Goon Show

"Oh yeah? My ENTIRE FAMILY was killed by gangsters... or maybe they moved to Tucson... and now I crave VENGEANCE."
"HA! My entire family AND MY DOG were crushed during a civil war re-enactment... and now I'm ITCHING to dispense justice indiscriminately!"
"I just like to KILL people."
- Various generic vigilante superheroes, "The Tick"

"It isn't a crime to give yourself over to pleasure."
"It is in Tasmania!"
- Dr. Frank N. Furter (to Brad), someone in the audience, "Rocky Horror Picture Show"

"Big Bird meets Salvador Dali has been brought to you by the numbers L and ), and by the letter 3."
- D.J. Green

"It hasn't gone black yet because my flatmate won't do it for me..."
- Eric Erickson

"Yes I have a title, a job, an address, a web page, a pgp sig, even a geek code somewhere. If pressed I can probably come up a witty saying that you haven't heard before. But nobody really cares..."
- The sig of David Klingler

"Do not disrupt my carefully controlled pattern of hype or YOU WILL BE PUT IN A BOX WITH BILL GATES AND SHAKEN."
- James "Kibo" Parry

"Command: crash_now
Syntax: tellnews crash_now
Description: very dodgy command used to simulate the behaviour of other companies news servers."
- DNEWS Manual v3.0

"No, we're _sweet_ and _innocent_ evil bastards"
- sig of Simon Burr, simes@bpfh.net

"Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed a cat."
- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London

"I'm sorry, we made a pop song..."
- Gibby Haynes of the Butthole Surfers introducing "Pepper" at #4 in the Hottest 100 of 1996

"Disappointment doesn't kill."
"Yeah, rejection kills. Disappointment only maims."
- Noelle, Abby, "The Truth about Cats and Dogs"

"I'm leaving in a couple hours for Knoxville, Tennessee. I'm going to visit some family over Christmas. This is where my grandmother lives. She has dementia, and is firmly convinced that a trio of hoodlums have tunneled through the ground to her house and are now residing in her utility closet."
"HEY! There are actually FOUR of us! And we're not hoodlums; we're thugs. Tell her to get it straight."
- kife@ix.netcom.com, Lt. Wilkes

"A watched rock boils no moss."
- brien@asan.com's signature, alt.discordia

"As you requested, here is a schedule of all future unplanned network outages. I took the initiative to include a schedule of all future sick days, volcanic eruptions, earthquakes and hurricanes."
- Dilbert

"I'm a negative crepe I'm a negative crepe I'm a negative crepe"
"And I'm a scone"
- Conversation in alt.psychology.personality

"Sorry, this web page is currently against our religion."
- The Amish Home Page, http://down.net/amish

"Minds are like parachutes, they only function when they're open."
- Bumper sticker

"Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)"
- Fortune

"Choose sysadmin-ing. Choose no life. Choose no career. Choose no family. Choose a fucking big computer, choose disk arrays the size of washing machines, modem racks, CD-ROM writers, and electrical coffee makers. Choose no sleep, high caffeine and mental insurance. Choose no friends. Choose black jeans and matching combat boots. Choose chairs for your office in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose SMTP and wondering why the fuck you are logged on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting in that swivel chair looking at mind-numbing, spirit-crushing web sites, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in some miserable newsgroup, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up lusers Gates spawned to replace the computer-literate. Choose your future. Choose sysadmin-ing."
- "Adminspotting", Gary "Wolf" Barnes

"I'm convinced that, if you could decode the 'unused' bits of our DNA, they'd read:
"This is a test, please ignore"
or perhaps:
"The Elder Ones make no warranty of any kind with regard to this material, including, but not limited to, the implied warranties or merchantability and fitness for a particular purpose"
- Malcolm Ray, uhaa032@sun.rhbnc.ac.uk

"p.s. There is no big whirring movie camera hidden behind the big black rectangular hole in the middle of the Encyclopaedia Britannica sitting on the shelf across from you in the cafeteria."
- James "Kibo" Parry

"Sometimes life _does_ imitate morality plays."
- Elizabeth Zwicky

"The thing that gets me is that one of the arguments that landed Robert Morris, author of ``the internet worm'' in jail was all the sysadmins' time his prank cost. Yet the author of sendmail is still walking around free without even a U (for Unixery) branded on his forehead."
- Nicolas.Pioch@enst.fr

"Just because we pay inexperienced strangers to tell us how to do our jobs, that doesn't mean we're morons!"
"Yeah! It's a coincidence."
- Wally, Dilbert

"So that's 2 T-1s and a newsfeed... would you like clues with that?"
- Hillary Gorman, hillary@netaxs.com

"This song explores a more contemporary version of Jungian psychotherapy involving high colonics"
- Maynard James Keenan of Tool, regarding their song AEnema

"NOW I've heard it all. Problem: expensive application from large well known company keeps crashing. Vendor solution: 'Oh, someone at your site must be kill -9ing it accidently. Our reccomendation is to rename the kill command.'"
- Matthew Crosby, crosby@nordsieck.cs.colorado.edu

"... I told her the thing I loved most about her was her mind... because that's what told her to get into bed with me naked..."
- Steven Wright

"Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests."
- Steven Wright

"Zathras have very sad life. Probably also have sad death. But at least there is symmetry."
- Zathras, Babylon 5, "War Without End"

"Pardo's First Postulate - Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. Arnold's Addendum - Everything else causes cancer in rats."
- fortune

"The bend/break rule of comedy is clearly violated here as director David O. Russell snaps his humour twig and tries to kill us with it."
- Mr. Cranky

"Since all the Heaven's Gates members were discovered wearing Nike sneakers, do you think Nike might change their slogan to 'Maybe You Should Think About It'?"
- Scott Adams, DNRC Newsletter 14.0

"A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating his morning meal. 'I would like to give you this personality test', said the outsider, 'because I want you to be happy.' Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the toaster, saying 'I wish the toaster to be happy, too.'"
- AI Koans, from the Jargon File

"Whip me! Beat me! Make me light and fluffy!"
- Ben Salmon

"Then again, what should we expect from the makers of 'Stargate'? Finesse is not exactly their strong point. Sure, they're pretty good at blowing up stuff, but what four-year-old isn't? When it comes time for an important plot twist their solution is to look at each other and scream 'ALIEN MIND MELD!' like dorks at a Star Trek Convention."
- Mr. Cranky

"You can't lick the system, but you can certainly give it a damn good fondling..."
- The Discordian Quote File

"My invention can detect human stupidity. It has a very simple interface. All I do is point it at people."
"Then what does it do?"
"Why would it need to do anything else?"
- Dogbert, Dilbert, Dogbert

"My purpose here is to clearly demonstrate to all concerned that you are indeed insane; so that all doctors, policemen and other persons of authority will be shown to their professional satisfaction the truth of my statements. Please, do not change colour while I am talking to you."
- MC 900ft Jesus, "Tiptoe through the Inferno"

"Look, Dogbert, give me one good reason why I shouldn't sign up for sky diving lessons."
"Thud..."
"You mean 'thud... ouch!' or just 'thud'?"
- Dilbert, Dogbert, Dilbert

"An Outside Context Problem was the sort of thing most civilisations encountered just once, and which they tended to encounter rather in the same way a sentence encountered a full stop. The usual example given to illustrate an Outside Context Problem was imagining you were a tribe on a largish, fertile island. You'd tamed the land, invented the wheel or writing or whatever, the neighbours were co-operative or enslaved but at any rate peaceful and you were busy raising temples to yourself with all the excess productive capacity you had. You were in a position of near-absolute power and control, which your hallowed ancestors could hardly have dreamed of and the whole situation was just running along nicely like a canoe on wet grass. When suddenly this bristling lump of iron appears sailless and trailing steam in the bay and these guys carrying long funny-looking sticks come ashore and announce that you've just been discovered, you're all subjects of the Emperor now, he's keen on presents called 'tax' and these bright-eyed holy men would like a word with your priests."
- Iain M. Banks, "Excession"

"The artists formerly known as Itch-e & Scratch-e now wish to be known as Boo Boo & Mace. And Johnny Rotten is John Lydon, Ziggy Stardust is David Bowie these days, Adam Ant is no-one in particular and Gary Glitter is of no further importance. Life goes on."
- dB magazine

"Mutually consenting classes may of course do whatever they like with each other, but even that doesn't necessarily make it right."
- Programming Perl, 2nd ed.

"I have come here to chew bubblegum, and kick ass... and I'm all out of bubblegum."
- Nada, "They Live"

"Fran Drescher's rise to fame is quite a miracle. Aside from just being your typical annoying New Yorker, she has a laugh that sounds like somebody is ice-climbing up the back of a baboon."
- Mr. Cranky, reviewing "The Beautician and the Beast"

"We exist in a world where the fear of illusion is real And we cling to the past to deny and confuse the ideal Once inside, we conceive and believe in a god we can't feel"
- The Tea Party, "Temptation"

"I want us to be something that we can't."
"What's that?"
"A normal couple."
- Holden, Alyssa, "Chasing Amy"

"... We show you lions (we borrowed from a zoo) savagely stalk and attack their prey! (That we tied down ahead of time to ensure a good camera angle)..."
- Jello Biafra, "Mild Kingdom"

"... This is telling us that our important words are 'smelt', 'bud', 'brier' and 'nard'..."
- Peter Kelsall (we don't know what he's on either)

"... The movie looks it was filmed by a rhesus monkey with a video camera. The editing looks like it was performed by a rhesus monkey with a Cuisinart. Apparently, if you're a rhesus monkey, you can really go places in Hollywood."
- Mr. Cranky

"... You can at least teach a dingo to fetch. The problem is, it can take years to teach it the difference between a baby and a stick."
- Kerry Cue (in "The Advertiser", 13/10/1997)

"I'm offering you my body and you're offering me semantics?"
- Caitlin Bree, "Clerks"

"I think I have it. A man talking sense to himself is no madder than a man talking nonsense not to himself."
"Or just as mad."
"Or just as mad."
"And he does both."
"So there you are."
"Stark raving sane."
- Guildenstern, Rosencrantz, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead"

"I'm hoping that Earth 100 years from now will be much less barbaric than it is now, but if it is I'm sure not going to fit in!"
- Eric the Fruitbat (aka Paul Sleigh)

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country."
- Elayne Boosler

"What do most people do on a date?"
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
- Response by Mike, Age 10

"When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
"Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."
- Unknown Prosecution, Unknown Defence

"Do you consider yourself a screenwriter first, a science fiction writer - or simply a writer?"
"I are a riter. I write gud. I rite stuff for the TeeVee and buuks. I doesn't like labels. Aye write what I want. Labels are for detergent boxes."
- Unknown, J. Michael Straczynski

"*DON'T DO THIS*. It is *BAD* engineering. *BAD* engineers *DESERVE* to be unemployed, living under park benches, and feeding off of slow moving pigeons."
- Terry Lambert, in comp.unix.bsd.freebsd.misc

"All the stuff I just made up COULD be true - BECAUSE I HAVE A GUN!"
- James "Kibo" Parry

"alt.tv.teletubbies is like a lava lamp with the words 'LOVE', 'TELETUBBIES', 'TINKY-WINKY', and 'SEX' swirling around inside."
- James "Kibo" Parry

"There are no problems that cannot be solved by the judicious use of high explosives."
- British Commando quote, circa WWII.

"If you'd been where I'd been... if you'd seen the things I'd seen... you... you'd be me... Or someone following me around..."
- Alan Parker, Urban Warrior

"Yow! Am I having fun yet?"
- John Howard^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^HZippy the Pinhead (Attribution by Rachel Polanskis)

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."
- Aristotle

"I don't have anything against geeks. I was one for 11 years! I used to think PC's were the greatest thing since sliced bread... Then someone showed me sliced bread."
- Unknown, from Charles Seggelin's 1996 Quote Book

"Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again."
- TV listing for the movie, The Wizard of Oz, in the Marin Paper.

"NOTE TO SELF: When CGI women start turning you on, it's time to leave the house."
- Jaffo

"Its a far far better thing I do than to require that you find me a hammer and pummel me with all due diligence, but yet remember that it is I, your solicitor, who keeps you from aligning too much with the listerine salesman."
- The Surrealist Compliment Generator, http://pharmdec.wustl.edu/cgi-bin/jardin_scripts/SCG

"... O/S wars are almost always fought solely by soldiers unfamiliar with the territory."
- Lon Stowell in alt.folklore.computers

"In a grudge match between Hanson and the Spice Girls, who would win?"
"Humankind."
- J. Random Supplicant, The Internet Oracle

"Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."
- In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers

"All true wisdom is found on T-shirts."
- Anon. (Bomb Threat anyone? =))

"I had the GUTS to mock the Turner Diaries and take a stand against racism! Not for any high-faulting' moral principles, you understand, just because racist propaganda is FUNNY!"
- James "Kibo" Parry

"If you think C++ is not overly complicated, just what is a protected abstract virtual base pure virtual private destructor, and when was the last time you needed one?"
- Tom Cargil, C++ Journal

"SPAM CHEESECAKE?"
- Brian Kantor in alt.sysadmin.recovery

"We're standing there pounding a dead parrot on the counter, and the management response is to frantically swap in new counters to see if that fixes the problem."
- Peter Gutmann in alt.sysadmin.recovery

"So fvck was originally called something else."
"What was it called?"
"Well, the second letter was different."
- Dennis Ritchie, Unknown, Dennis Ritchie

"'Tron', the first 'Babylon 5' movie."
- James "Kibo" Parry

"Nothing screams 'MOCK ME! MOCK ME!' like posting your entire grocery list (with the rationale for each piece of candy) to a science newsgroup."
- James "Kibo" Parry

"Anyway, there's plenty of room for doubt. It might seem easy enough, but computer language design is just like a stroll in the park. Jurassic Park, that is."
- Larry Wall

"Life gets boring, someone invents another necessity, and once again we turn the crank on the screwjack of progress hoping that nobody gets screwed."
- Larry Wall

"The following two statements are usually both true:
There's not enough documentation.
There's too much documentation."
- Larry Wall

"The Harvard Law states - Under controlled conditions of light, temperature, humidity, and nutrition, the organism will do as it damn well pleases."
- Larry Wall

"There's more than one way to do it."
- The Perl Slogan

"I once bought a cellphone that had a little sticker on the box that said 'DO NOT EAT PACKAGING MATERIAL'. There went another freebie snack at the office."
- Andreas "Buzh" Skau in alt.sysadmin.recovery

"The population rises exponentially, the number of clues rises geometrically, and the number of clueful rises arithmetically. This is why the world has problems."
- Alistair J. R. Young in alt.sysadmin.recovery

"I'm getting a new desk soon! Desk goes up. Desk goes down. Desk goes up. Desk goes down. Desk goes up. Desk goes down. Desk goes up. Desk goes down. Desk goes up. Desk goes down. Desk goes up. Desk goes down. Desk goes up. Desk goes down. Lunch. Productivity is in the eyes of the beholder."
- Lars Balker Rasmussen in alt.sysadmin.recovery

"WARNING: preposterous time in TOY clock - CHECK AND RESET THE DATE!"
- Digital UNIX 4.0D

"10 ways to stop users mistaking you for a normal person (#4): When booting a workstation, shout out all console output 1/2 a second before it appears. Do this with your eyes closed and fists clenched."
- Steve Mitchell in alt.sysadmin.recovery

"By ten I was so wasted I had been officially downgraded to a lower rung on the evolutionary ladder. Some guy in a suit came up, listened to my attempts to string words together, revoked my rights as Homo Sapiens on the spot and reclassified me as some kind of plant life. I had to fill in all kinds of forms and shit. It was very embarrassing."
- Michael Marshall Smith, "Spares"

"Keeping UUCP running is starting to seem a lot like keeping a 130-year-old man who smokes 4 packs a day on life support because he's the last person on Earth who knows how to do the cha-cha, but he won't tell anyone."
- Ryan Tucker, alt.sysadmin.recovery

"I still have my health. *thok* I still have my health. *thok* I still have my health."
- Ally McBeal on lost love

"Excellent, there's nothing quite like a blunt object to reinforce proper administration ethics."
- Simon Travaglia

"Give a man a mask and he'll tell you the truth."
- Oscar Wilde

"Mr Reith warns a vote for Labour would see a return of high interest rates and high unemployment, but denies he is engaging in scare tactics in the final weeks of the campaign."
- ABC News. (Yeah right. No scare tactics at all.)

"... And, in fact, Australia had the largest sheep population in the world a few years back."
"And *every single one of them* is on the electoral role."
- Roger Donaldson, Matt McLeod, alt.sysadmin.recovery

"All I'm saying is that you're deluded, pathetic, and squirrels use your head to store chestnuts for the cold winter months in."
- Pinback, oz#gothic

"I wandered into a place in San Antonio which had what looked like a magnum of tabasco sitting in front of the counter. 
Me: 'I want! I want! I want! I want!'.
Sales dude: 'It's not for sale'.
Me: 'Bowel movement'[0].... [0] Or words to that effect."
- Peter Gutmann, alt.sysadmin.recovery

"Vorlons on holiday. Hmm, why is it I get an image of them claiming the deckchairs on the pretext 'We were always here'"
- Paul McAuley, alt.sysadmin.recovery

"Sisko or Spock?"
"Spock! Those pointy ears'd give me something to hang onto!"
- Gail Miller

"It's true... no man is an island... but if you take a bunch of dead guys and tie 'em together, they make a pretty good raft."
- Bug Eyed Earl, Red Meat.

"When it comes to catching trout, nothing beats the German Light Infantry!"
- Nelson the Bully, "The Simpsons"

"I don't particularly _like_ porkypines in cleavages..."
- Nat

"I can't do it! It's too early to be sexy!"
- Belinda

"... And Belinda said that death was endlessly fascinating and far too salty."
"So we want low salt death?"
- Murphy, Del

"Stripped of his powers following the collapse of Ancient Egypt, former God of Death Anubis is reduced to begging for Beef Treats. (And if you think _that's_ funny, wait and see what fate has in store for _your_ God.)"
- The Parking Lot Is Full, www.plif.com

"I have to make sure that everyone goes down... in their minds at least."
- Dave Thomas

"The only output I can get from it is simulation runs - which have a most wonderfully useless output format which combines gross complexity with bad formatting and ill thought out variable selection giving an overall result of 'bleah'."
- Paul Gardner-Stephen

"Did you see the price tag for RealDoll? $5000."
"$5000! Even I'm cheaper than that!"
- Sarah Chan

"I've never met anyone born after 1965 who wasn't incomplete somehow."
"Why's that?"
"Microwave ovens I think."
- "Love and Human Remains"

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
- A. Whitney Brown

"In the beginning the Universe was created... This made a lot of people angry and was widely regarded as a bad move."
- Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

"The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss."
- Douglas Adams

"Doing a thing well is often a waste of time."
- Robert Byrne

"I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it."
- Ashleigh Brilliant

"'Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln

"Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone."
- Tommy Cooper

"A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of."
- Burt Bacharach

"When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other."
- Eric Hoffer

Lady Astor: "Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!"
Winston Churchill: "Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly. But tomorrow, I shall be sober."

"Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."
- Shakepeare, Macbeth (V, 5)

"No problem is so big and complicated that it can't be run away from."
- Peanuts

"Those who flow through life as life flows, feel no wear... feel no tear... need no mending... no repair."
- Laotzu

"The trade of governing has always been monopolised by the most ignorant and the most rascally individuals of mankind."
- Thomas Paine

"The more you know, the less you understand."
- Tao Te Ching

"He who is calm disturbs neither himself nor others."
- Epicurus, The Vatican Sayings

"Education is an admirable thing. But it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught."
- Oscar Wilde

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.

Is this thing on?

"Other than that, Jackie, how was the parade?"
- Dan Quayle, 1963

"All the world's a stage... most of us are just stagehands."

Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality.

If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.

Ya know... I always look for inner beauty in a woman. Once inner... beauty!

Sex is like a bridge game; If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

She kept an air of mystery about her. When men asked her name, she'd say "Never mind the chit chat... Let's screw."

You'll know if you married a virgin; when she wakes she will ask you "Are you still stiff from last night?"

A recent study says that 90% of men masturbate in the shower. The other 10% sing. Do you know what they sing? NO! Oh, really? I wonder what you do in the shower!

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Assassins do it from behind!

Chess players mate better.

Electricians do it until it Hz.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

The only real difference between an oral and rectal thermometer is the taste.

A man is not complete until he is married - then he is finished.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Here's to all the kisses I've snatched, and vice versa...

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

Never trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

Single women can't fart. You have to get married to have an asshole.

I'm so horny, even the crack of dawn looks good.

Menstruation, Menopause, Mental Breakdowns... ever notice how all our problems begin with Men?

If you park, don't drink, accidents cause people.

It easier to meet girl in park than park meat in girl.

9 out of 10 men who try Camels prefer women.

Flies spread disease - Keep yours closed!

Yes, females do pursue me (If you count mosquitoes).

All my relationships sunk in stormy weather.

Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy.

I'm a babe magnet... just the wrong end.

The problem with desire is that it's only a one-way street.

If I steal something, I'm brought before other men and charged in a court. If a woman steals my heart, other man charges at her wishing to court her.

A picture is worth 500 to 1500 words depending on how good-looking you are.

Girls are like parking spots. The good ones are always taken.

Girlfriend pregnant? (A)bort, (M)arry, (I)gnore, (F)lee.

A happy medium then. Somewhere between Just Good Friends and someone to occasionally stick my tongue down their throat."

Satan is my sad, pathetic... knob.

"Hey can we kiss and make up with out sodomy being involved?"
- christina on #heathers

When my wife told me not to whine, I said "How can I be a MAN if I don't have the right to whine when I feel like it?"

To all virgins: Thanks for nothing.

The Anal Intruder. Soon in a Theatre BEHIND You!

Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go everywhere!

Aural Sex produces eargasms

9 out of 10 men who try Camels prefer women

Behind every successful man is woman with nothing to wear

Behind every successful man stands a woman waiting for his job.

Breast size multiplied by IQ always equals 69

Real programmers practice safe hex.

Never run after buses or women; you'll always get left behind.

God invented man because Eve's vibrator ran out of batteries.

God invented Women because he wanted a good laugh.

My wife ran away with my best friend. I sure miss him.

Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.

Men are like toilets; the good ones are taken, the rest are full of shit.

Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

Some women get excited about nothing and then marry him.

Inside every short man is a tall man doubled over in pain.

Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved.

A Freudian slip is when you mean one thing and say your mother.

Most people deserve each other.

Beware the fury of a patient woman.

Not tonight dear, I have a modem.

I must be a sex object. I say Sex? She objects.

"The top ten reasons why masturbation is better than sex:
10.
9.
8.
7.
6.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1."

Hand-written on a condom machine: "This gum tastes funny"

Wife to sleeping spouse: "Wake up! Who the hell is Tina!"

Safe sax and violins.

The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.

Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Our bikinis are exciting. They're simply the tops.

"So... your place or my mother's?"

Don't be sexist. Broads hate that.

How does AVON find so many women willing to take orders?
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

Wink, I'll do the rest!

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.

"More than 25,000 dedicated gun lovers from across Northern Idaho flocked to the Coeur d'Alene Convention Center for the two-day event, happily sublimating homosexual impulses amid a carefully maintained facade of platonic camaraderie."
- "Homoerotic Overtones Enliven NRA Meeting" from The Onion, http://www.theonion.com

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

He is Buy-sexual, he has to pay for it.

My kid had sex with your Honours student.

"If you don't know what a male is, he's a baritone."
"If you don't know what a female is, do some sex ed lessons and find out."
- Tanya

"I'd rather she'd used me for sex. Using me for my mind really bothered me."

Hold on to freedom as long as you can, 'cause the girl in your cell might think she's a man.

"I don't care where you take me, just take me..."

"I've had a lot of experience with sheep."

Really get stoned, drink wet cement.

I said no to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Dope is much more readily available than hope.

Rehab is for quitters.

I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?

Hire a teenager while they still know it all.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge... others just gargle.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

It's not an optical illusion, it just looks that way.

A leading authority is someone lucky who guessed right.

A guy walked into a bar. He was treated for minor injuries.

Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.

People who think they know everything are very irritating to those of us who do.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

When it comes to thought some people stop at nothing.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive word will suffice.

There is more room in your head for thoughts than thoughts in your head for room.

Fool-proof implies a finite number of fools.

LSD melts your mind, not in your hand.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.

The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

Good generally conquers evil. Unless, of course, good is stupid.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.

Eagles fly; but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

Sorry... my mind has a few bad sectors.

I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere!

Open mouth; insert foot; echo internationally.

General Brain Failure. (A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore, (O)h.

You're twisted and sick; I like that in a person!

Therapy helps, but screaming obscenities is cheaper.

The best defence against logic is stupidity.

If looks could kill... she'd have a nasty bruise.

"Adrian is my inverse chaperone. He checks up on me to see if I'm doing anything, and if I'm not he tells me to do something."

"I'm tired, my eczema is making life damn uncomfortable, I've just been rejected by two women in one day and I can't find my copy of Undertow."

I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and people like me.

I know my mind. And it's around here someplace.

I AM serious. And stop calling me Shirley.

I am not young enough to know everything.

I'm dangerous when I know what I'm doing.

I'm in shape... round's a shape isn't it?

I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I'm miserable without you, it's like having you here.

I'm no stranger, just a friend you haven't met...

I'm sure it's in the manual somewhere...

I'm the best there is, but I'm not available.

I'm the person your mother warned you about...

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I've seen better conversations in alphabet soup.

If cows could fly, everyone would carry an umbrella.

It is easier to admire hard work if you don't do it.

Minds are like parachutes, they only work when open.

My girlfriend said I never listen to her, or something...

Nothing is so simple that it can't get screwed up.

OK, I'm weird! But I'm saving up to be eccentric.

OUT TO LUNCH - If not back at five, OUT TO DINNER!

Oh Lord, give me patience. But give me RIGHT NOW!

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Don't play stupid with me! I'm better at it.

Get in touch with normal people. Leave us alone.

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

Could you continue your petty bickering? I find it most intriguing.

No, I'm not an elitist. Why do you ask, peasant?

"How to Boil Water, in 500 easy steps" by Chuck Forsberg.

No Brain, No

Dyslexics of the world - untie!

Don't play "stupid" with me... I'm better at it!

Support mental health, or I'll kill you!

He's so stupid, he studied for his urine exam.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.

i souport publik edekasion

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

Confusion not only reigns, it pours.

Madness takes its toll; please have exact change...

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

You! Out of the Gene Pool!

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

You know you're in a bad way when you start working out the scope rules of an English sentence.

"Alasdair is the only person I know who can say no _and_ yes at the same time, and _mean_ it."

Intolerance is the last defence of the insecure.

"Spell 'Paranoia'"
"I can't! I'm diabetic! It means I can't spell!"

He who laughs last is S-L-O-W.

Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!

Don't insult the alligator until after you cross the river.

The trouble with political jokes is they get elected.

A conclusion is where you got tired of thinking.

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

If idiots could fly, then this would be an airport.

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In All States.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

I may be fat, but you're ugly. I can lose weight!

Eat shit! A billion flies can't be wrong.

You show the sensitivity of a Medieval Dentist.

Heaven won't have me and Hell's afraid I'll take over.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Always glad to share my ignorance - I've got plenty.

Do not disturb. Already disturbed!

Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up!

Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.

I am built for comfort, not speed!

I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof!

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.

I'm not a complete idiot; several parts are missing.

I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.

If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

I did a drot of lugs in college, I hink I thave dain bramage.

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

Drive carefully. 90% of the people in the world are caused by accidents.

"I'm NOT a jumping castle."

"I drool on the inside."
"Then why haven't you drowned?"

We're all entitled to be stupid, but you're abusing the privilege.

Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.

Even if you're paranoid, maybe they really *are* after you.

You are accustomed to ostracism from childhood because you are overweight, deformed, stupid, or have an extremely short [deleted].

All things being equal, you lose.

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

If you think nobody cares, miss a couple of payments.

I'm busy now. Do you mind if I ignore you later?

Save the planet; kill yourself.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

The problem with people who worship themselves is when they get together their religions conflict.

You know you're a loser when you try to sell your soul to the devil and he asks you for your credit card number.

A crowded elevator smells different to a midget.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Be consistent - but don't do it all the time.

I am NOT Paranoid! And WHY are you always watching me?

That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.

Which version of the truth would you like to hear?

I am to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Seen on the back of a loaded horse trailer: "DON'T BE WHAT YOU SEE"

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.

I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat roughage!

I may not be fast, but I sure am slow.

Don't expect too much and you won't be disappointed.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.

Those who stand for nothing fall for anything.

In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.

Suicide Hotline... please hold.

To err is human, to forgive... $5.00

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

A pessimist is never disappointed.

Always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

I tried switching to gum but I couldn't keep it lit.

If in doubt, make it sound convincing.

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing

If it works, tear it apart and find out why!

Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.

Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.

The problem with pessimists is that they're correct too much.

Failure is not an option. It is a privilege reserved only for those who try.

It doesn't matter if the cup is half full or half empty. Whatever's inside it is evaporating either way.

That thought got ran over as it was crossing my mind.

You don't have to conform to the values of your peers. It gets pretty boring sitting home every night though.

The nice thing about having nothing is you don't have to worry about losing it.

From a Friday looking back, I would have to say that was a strong.

Everything changes except change.

The only thing shorter than a weekend is a vacation.

The awful price of purity is Puritans.

A cynic smells the flowers and looks for the coffin.

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure...

Avoid generalisations; they are NEVER valid.

Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

In today's world, anyone who is not confused just isn't thinking straight.

When everything comes your way, you're in the wrong lane.

The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking.

In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

What is another word for synonym?

If a mute swears does his mother wash his hands out with soap?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

When you open a big bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Why isn't there mouse flavoured cat food.

Is it possible to be totally partial.

If a funeral procession is at night, do people drive with their lights off?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Would the Standing Committee please sit down?

Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it all?

What would happen if you put a slinky on an up escalator?

If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?

But what if I'm a figment of MY imagination?

Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?

I thought I was mistaken, but I was mistaken.

Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

If woman's place is in the home, why am I always in my car?

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Illiterate? Write today for a free brochure.

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, really loudly, for no good reason.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, I guess that makes me a humanitarian.

Would you trust a POLITICIAN to run the country?

If I save the whales, where do I keep them?

If I save time, when do I get it back?

You can't have everything... where would you put it?

Why are apartments so close together?

Why does the person that snores always fall asleep first?

Time slows if you're on the outside of the bathroom door.

If Clinton is the answer it must been a stupid question.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

I want to touch it because it says don't touch.

"Fvck. There it is. They named it something obvious."

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

All colours will agree in the dark.

You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.

If Jesus was Jewish, what's he doing with a Mexican name.

What on earth is a "free gift"? Aren't all gifts free.
