Washington, D.C.-Renowned sociologists Catherine Zmensky and Edward Tockman presented their findings today before a bipartisan Senate committee investigating allegations of rampant whining in the nation’s premier fantasy basketball league. Reading from a prepared statement in front of a packed house, Dr. Tockman declared that “never in the esteemed history of the LFBL has there been such widespread crying and moaning.” His fellow Harvard professor, Dr. Zmensky, later detailed numerous instances of recent whining. Ironically, the troubles began with the players themselves, not the league GMs. According to Dr. Zmensky, the torrent of bellyaching can be traced to Anthony Mason’s complaint on September 18th of last year that the game was becoming “sissified.” However, scientists in Denmark and Sweden now believe that the roots of the problem lie much deeper. Like diligent epidemiologists, they have traced the disease to an offhand remark made by Christian Laettner over three years ago. His former coach, Lenny Wilkens, allegedly heard Laettner complain that he couldn’t get any children to sit in his lap when he went to the mall in his “Pantless Santa” costume.
But that is a small controversy. The task at hand, admonished committee chairman Mitch McConnell (R-Ky), is to identify solutions before the next season begins. “But even more important is identifying and publicly humiliating the whiners,” he said. Drs. Zmensky and Tockman have done their part. “Al Hoffman whined all season about how rotten his team was and then went on to finish tops in his division and have the second-best record in the league. Give me a break with all this ‘high expectations’ and ‘tradition of excellence’ bullshit,” Dr. Tockman told the committee. “You want high expectations, go play for Thundering Cornbread. That Marion Barry will get you so high you won’t know whether you’re Rod Strickland or Bimbo Coles. I think that’s what actually happened to Rod Strickland. And speaking of bimbos, Barry can hook you up with some sweet, young crack whores.”
After a brief recess, Dr. Zmensky took over the duty of embarrassing the whiners. “It’s widely known that Otto resents suggestions that his wife ghost writes his trash talk,” said the buxom Harvard egghead. At that point, Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Ma), whose face is now approximately the same size and color as a harvest moon, interrupted. “Excuse me, professor, but could you repeat that? I’m having a hard time listening while I mix my drink and try to look up your skirt.” Dr. Zmensky playfully chided Senator Kennedy for being a craven, hypocritical, womanizing drunk and a disgrace to the family name, and all enjoyed a hearty laugh to break the tension of the morning’s grim news. Dr. Zmensky then went on to say that she had just received an e-mail from Otto, warning her not to present her findings. Courageously, she read the letter aloud before the hushed crowd: “Girlfriend, I’m tired of everyone saying that I don’t write my own trash talks. They’re wrong, and that means I’m not complaining, I’m just telling the truth. So don’t you tell the Senate that I’m a whiner, or I swear I’ll scratch your eyes out. I’ve been watching a self-defense tape Oprah recommended and I’m ready to kick some tush!!!” After a moment’s pause, Dr. Zmensky looked up at the spellbound audience and said, “I rest my case.”
Unfortunately, the brutal hearing went on and on, just like this news article. In the afternoon session, Dr. Tockman detailed what he and Dr. Zmensky consider the most egregious examples of whining. “What especially concerns us,” he said, “is the fact that the outgoing Commission engaged in constant whining over nearly a one-month period at the end of this past season’s playoffs. He acts as if none of the other teams ever lose players to injury, and he has this screwy notion that somehow Thundering Cornbread is cursed. If by cursed he means that when it gets to be playoff time they Suck The Big One, then he’s balls-on accurate. But he’s insinuating that his team catches some sort of injury bug, and that’s just a crock. He’s advanced past the first round of the playoffs twice. Twice is not a pattern. Twice is a blind squirrel finding a nut. With a team like his, he should thank God they win games at all.” In fact, the Harvard researchers are not the only ones who have been critical of the former Commissioner. Rumors have persisted this summer that people within the LFBL offices encouraged Schirmer to leave before news of his whining became more widespread. The latest story is that in his final days, the power-crazed leader had World B. Free senselessly pummel two Girl Scouts in a random act of violence meant to intimidate his imaginary enemies.
To conclude the hearing, Dr. Zmensky once again took over and documented the two most recent acts of complaining. “Things have gotten so bad,” she told the committee, “that the whining has spread to the off season. First, Karl Wheeler was griping about his sucky keepers. That wasn’t so bad, though, because it only happened once. But later in the summer…”
“Excuse me Mr. Chairman,” said Senator Kennedy, stopping the hearings once again, “but I make a motion that this big-breasted brainiac be required to say the word ‘sucky’ every time I tug at my nose like this.”
“Please continue,” Senator McConnell told the witness.
“Well, things hit rock bottom this summer when Ryan Atkinson-the defending champion of all people and the easiest-going guy in the league-started whining about getting his money from Otto and James. He’s like that paperboy from ‘Better Off Dead’ who kept asking for his two dollars. I mean, he’s a lawyer for crying out loud. He should just sue some people if he wants his 50 bucks so bad.”
“I realize these are just preliminary findings,” said McConnell at the conclusion of the presentation, “and you haven’t had time to formulate recommendations, but this has been extremely informative and, I admit, quite alarming, and I hope you two can return at a future date to help us formulate a response.”
“With all due respect,” replied Dr. Tockman, “these aren’t preliminary findings. We’re damn sure that the LFBL has turned into a massive bitchfest.”
Dr. Zmensky continued: “And we know exactly what the solution is. These are grown men spending countless hours on something with the word ‘fantasy’ in the title. Only one guy in the league is still in his twenties. The solution is quite simple-someone needs to tell them to get a freaking life!” With that, the hearing adjourned.
Editor’s note: With the exception of an AWOL James, the entire league is anxiously anticipating the new season. Already in mid-season whining form, the former Commission is “cheesed off” over the process to select his successor, he thinks that the guys in Lexington cheat when they tell him where he’ll pick in the draft order, and he’s been griping about this pain in his left ankle that won’t go away.