It's the end of an era. Just barely a couple of weeks before the start of the 2000/2001 training camp, Rik Smits announced his retirement. Yes fans, when the Pacers fast break this year, there will be a reminiscent void at the free throw line. And no longer will they be able to run their low-post offense from the top of the key. We must face the fact that Rik Smits has called it quits. (Say, who let Jesse Jackson in here?)

Rik Smits was born somewhere in Holland. As a child, he grew much faster than the other kids. Ironically, he was a pushover on the little schoolyard basketball courts. There were many occasions where even Hans Brinker would remove his finger from the dike, unlace his ice skates, and totally dominate him. "One of my most horrific childhood nightmares.", admits Smits. "That guy would use and abuse me, re-lace his skates and whisk away laughing and talking smack. I hated that little son of a bitch!".

Rik's dad, Brik, finally grew weary of Rik clip clopping home in tears. "The source of his timidness and poor play is quite bizarre.", states papa. "I call it the 'Sancho Panza' incident."

Brik begins to explain, "Chief, let me say this. Basketball in Holland is about as popular as a Playboy Centerfold in Christian Laettner's house. To accomodate the kids, backboards were put up on the windmills. Well, it had to happen sooner or later. Rik was jumping up for a put-back slam dunk when all of the sudden...BAM! A windmill blade nails him in the back of the head. Cracked his skull and his wooden shoes. He hasn't been the same since. In order to help him overcome his fear and become a real player, I knew I had to send him to the US when he was old enough."

"But why to such a small school like Marist?", I asked.

"Damn man. That must be some really good Dutch reefer you're smoking. It's obvious that with his raw talent, Rik would have been eaten alive at an NCAA powerhouse. However, enrolling him at a MAAC school was sheer genius. Scoring 30 points, grabbing 10 boards, and swatting 3 shots per night against sissy mama's boys will make any 7-footer an instant NBA player. You of all people should know that! Now go away. I need to soak my feet in epsom salt. These shoes are killing me!"

LFBL reaction about Smits' retirement varies.

Stinkpalm GM, Otto: "Who cares? If I'd bother making roster moves during the season, I'd cut him."

NRFHL GM, Al: "Doesn't concern me at all. There will always be a target of ridicule and persecution. Hell, within the span of one week Matt Fish, Robert Werdann, and Mark Pope were signed. Half of Coach BA's gold chains snapped off of his chest from laughing so hard."

Bafketball Asst GM, LP: "I say good riddance. Shits almost cost me my job 2 years ago. Besides, I've already got another Shits-like ass to chew. You know, that French bastard Raef LaFrentz.". "Um...LP, he's not French.". "Hey, he's not La-fooling anybody."

Cornbread GM, Pete: "No loss at all. My centers are so awesome, I never needed to look at another."

Kaptain GM, Karl: "He was a big cheater."

Fah Q GM, James: "Rik Smits retired?"

TKR GM, Ryan: "Rik Smits retired?"

CNC GM, Jim: No comment. When I asked for his reaction, he claimed to have "something in his eye" and abruptly left.