Thundering Cornbread set to move into new arena
Arlington, VA -- It turns out the crane crash in Milwaukee was a boon to Washington. After it became apparent that the Brewers’ new stadium would not be ready for at least another year, contractors who had been waiting to finish it off were instead whisked away to Arlington, VA, to finish the new arena for the area’s LFBL franchise, Thundering Cornbread. Last weekend, former D.C. mayor Marion Barry proudly announced that the arena would be finished in time for the team’s season opener against its traditional division rival, Bafketball Jones.
“We’re gonna kick Bafketball’s sorry ass!” Barry shouted at the press conference, “then I’m gonna smoke some crack!” Team officials confirmed that a dark corner of the parking lot had been reserved for the former mayor’s after-hours recreational use.
Also, the team announced that the arena had been officially named the Pillsbury PoppinFresh House of Pain. “This name is so clever I nearly wet my pants,” said the Pillsbury Dough Boy (no relation to Oliver Miller). “You see, we’re sponsoring cornbread, so there is an excellent corporate tie-in for us,” the effeminate company spokesman continued. “But there is also a play on words, here, with the word pain. Of course, the concept of a house of pain is not new to the sporting world, but you see, the word pain also means bread in French. So House of Pain means two different things. It’s just so clever, I can hardly . . .” At that point, the Dough Boy did begin to wet himself, but it was uncomfortably obvious to everyone at the press conference that he was not wearing pants.
This is just the latest of many perks the team has enjoyed as the greater Washington, D.C. area rolled out the red carpet for its new team. The Arlington city council had originally planned to present the team with a key to the city, but several sewer lines burst and the city could not afford to purchase the giant, fake key. “It doesn’t really open anything,” said 9th district representative Patricia Akers. “And what the hell do you do with that great big heavy thing anyway? You probably just pitch it after a few days or put it in a closet and only get it out if one of us is coming up to your office to demand a bribe.”
The Virginia state legislature also offered to cover part of the team’s kickbacks to mob-controlled contractors. At a ceremony for the team in the state house last week, Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore said, “I have always been a big fan of Thunders of Cornbread and I think hockey is a swell sport. Maybe now that they’re in Arlington instead of Louisville they can break the Curse of the Bambino. And that running back of theirs is really something, but OJ has to quit killing people or he’ll never be able to play.” Point guard Stephon Marbury later told the press, “That guy’s an idiot. I’ve got more brains in my whole body than he does in his big toe, or something like that. You know what I’m saying?”
Yes, the air is crackling, so to speak, with anticipation. Thundering Cornbread is all set to bake its first opponent in the House of Pain the first week of November. Perhaps Marion Barry best summed up the feeling here in the greater Washington, D.C. area: “If someone’s getting baked, count me in.”