Elton Brand's Brave Struggle
Milwaukee, WI and Durham, NC -- Elton Brand understandably had mixed feelings when he got word that Jughead's Stinkpalm Surprise had made him the first pick in the draft. "Of course, I was glad to be number one, but I just worry that they'll have trouble closing the deal again," Brand said, referring to Stinkpalm's penchant for weak finishes.
The disappointment that comes with being drafted by a choke artist has only added to the heavy weight upon Brand's shoulders. He recently revealed that for years he has struggled to overcome his addiction to eating paste.
It's the kind of thing that starts innocently enough. As a coddled prima dona athlete, he often took classes in high school that involved lots of coloring, dot connecting, cutting, and, alas, pasting. Despite being allowed to leave campus virtually whenever he wanted, sometimes lunch could not come soon enough. So when nobody was looking, Brand would nibble at the paste stick. As it became more of a habit, he would dip the stick into the container shaped like Elmer's cow and then lick off a mouthful of paste.
"I thought it was odd that he wanted to make Abraham Lincoln costumes nearly every week," said his former teacher, Mrs. Kenton. "Now I understand that when he was pasting all of those fake beards to his face, he was really just getting a fix." Mrs. Kenton taught Brand for four years in a class entitled "Algebra, Arts and Crafts."
By the time he graduated from high school, his life had spiraled downward into a quagmire of paste eating and worse. The 3.95 GPA he had at the end of his freshman year, padded by classes like "The History of Clowns" and "Who Likes Grape Juice?" had plummeted to a 3.72. He feared that his grades would not be inflated enough to get him into a school like Duke.
"Here at Duke," Coach K explains, "we have much higher academic standards. Sure, you can major in things like Leisure Studies and Recreational Science, but we have cross-curriculum requirements, too. My players have to know art history, underwater basketweaving, and the history of disco movies."
When Brand arrived at Duke, he hoped to put his dark past behind him. He plunged into his classes, none of which required pasting, and for a time he thought he had kicked the habit. Then came a fateful visit from Christian Laettner.
Laettner arrived on campus just before last year's NBA season began, on his yearly quest to find some young, vulnerable frat boys to take under his wing for lessons about life and love. He met Brand and some of the other freshmen last season and asked if any would like to see him with his shirt off. Brand laughed, thinking Laettner was kidding, and it caught the mediocre power forward's attention.
"He kept firing questions at Elton," said eyewitness Trajan Langdon. "Laettner was like, 'Have you ever seen an ass like this on a white boy?' and 'I bet you give great foot massages' and stuff like that."
Brand and Laettner soon struck up a friendship and before Brand knew it, he found himself cruising one night in Laettner's 1984 Chevy van. The wild night ended with Brand eating nearly half a plastic cow's worth of Elmer's paste. He woke up sick and disoriented...and hooked again.
Speculation is now rampant that in addition to healing an injured foot last season, Brand was also trying to get his life back in order. Brand hasn't quit the habit entirely--he still eats about two cows of paste a week. But the paste is mixed into a watery concoction to reduce the potency, and Brand hopes that soon there will be no paste at all in the potion.
Brand's LFBL coach, Otto, has suggested that Brand switch from Elmer's to the less potent WalMart brand paste. "It tastes terrible, and you hardly get a buzz from it at all," Otto says. "At least, that's what I've been told. I don't use the stuff myself." (Editor's note: Otto has been arrested four times in the last 30 months for paste possession and trafficking. He's a paste addict and don't let him tell you otherwise.)
Laettner, meanwhile, has been banned from having any contact with current Duke basketball players, although Coach K fears the punishment may not be working. Laettner has been picked up on campus twice, once dressed as Dolly Parton and a second time wearing only Chuck Taylors, an overcoat and heavy eyeshadow.