Fight over Thundering Cornbread team name getting 'Nasty'
Lexington, KY -- What originally looked like a brilliant move on the part of Thundering Cornbread management has turned out to be a nightmare. Thundering Cornbread became the first franchise in the LFBL to seek corporate sponsorship, with Erotica Online, Inc. agreeing to pay the $25 annual league fees, purchase new uniforms, and pay 60 percent of travel expenses. In return, the corporation was to put its logo on the uniforms and would rename Thundering Cornbread Arena. Team president and ladies' man Pete Schirmer first caught a whiff of trouble when he saw where the corporate logo would be placed.
"Right over the players' johnsons," Schirmer said, "and I don't mean the names on the back of their jerseys."
"Hey, it only makes sense," responded Luc de la Salle-Szcywycz, CEO of Erotica Online, Inc. "We sell sex, and there's only one place on the male body to do that. Now if this were a women's team, we could just put two circular logos with nipple-like points over their breasteses. But it's not, so this is what we have to do."
Team management, led by the dashing and debonaire Schirmer, finally capitulated, agreeing to a shaft-like corporate logo on the front of the players' shorts. But then de la Salle-Scyzcwyzc had another request.
"They wanted to change our team name," said Schirmer as he munched on a sandwich prepared for him by Meg Ryan. "Thundering Cornbread is one of the few original team names in this league. In fact, it may be the only one. It's our identity. Thundering Cornbread played in the very first LFBL championship game. We are a storied franchise, and [changing the name] is absolutely out of the question." Erotica Online, Inc. wants to change the team name to one that will promote the corporation's premier web site--Nasty Teenage Goddesses.
"It's ridiculous. Once the NBA starts back up, only a handful of our players will even be teenagers, only one or two are genuinely nasty, and none of them are goddesses. Now if we had Dennis Rodman it might be a different story," Schirmer told us after receiving a back rub from Cameron Diaz, star of The Mask and There's Something About Mary.
It turns out, though, that Thundering Cornbread may not have any way to stop the change from taking place. Written into the contract, and previously unbeknownst to team officials, is a clause stating that Erotica Online, Inc. "has the right to do some really outrageous shit." Team lawyer Ryan Atkinson confessed that he nodded off while reading the contract and had missed the outrageous shit clause.
"It got pretty boring there," Atkinson said. "Lots of 'herewiths' and 'this party does such and such' and that kind of thing. I guess I just kind of skimmed it, really."
Could it be that the league has seen the last of Thundering Cornbread? Will the Butthead Division have to welcome the Nasty Teenage Goddesses into its ranks? "You bet your ass," said the hateful and double crossing de la Salle-Csysczqhzfpzc.
"It's just a shame," said the strikingly handsome Schirmer as he emerged from a closet with Monica Lewinsky, Kathleen Turner and a red-faced and obviously excited Tony Randall. "The kids are really going to miss that cute little piece of cornbread laying cable. I just don't think Nasty Teenage Goddesses is something for the kids. Sure, when we had Dennis Scott he was always playing his music too loud and shouting obscenities at his younger fans, but it was all in good fun. This...I just don't know about this stuff."
We'll all find out soon enough.