Recently, Billy Spears met Nazr Mohammed for lunch at Michael Jordan’s restaurant in Mohammed’s hometown of Chicago. The two talked about life, love, and the former Kentucky Wildcat’s future in the NBA. Only the questions pertaining to basketball appear below.

Billy: Thanks for meeting with me today. Is this your first interview as a professional?
Nazr: Professional my ass. I haven’t gotten a dime yet. You heard of the lockout?

Billy: Oh yeah. Well let me cut right to the chase: Even your own parents realized that you were making a terrible mistake by leaving school early. What made you do it?
Nazr: Well, playing in the NBA is something every child dreams about. Ever since I was playing ball here on the streets of Chicago it’s something I’ve wanted to do. And, you know, my parents don’t have it so good—financially, I mean—so I was kind of leaning toward going pro anyway. But the thing that put me over the top was the really horrible advice I received from Antoine Walker.

Billy: That guy’s no genius.
Nazr: You’re telling me. We aren’t even talking to each other anymore. You know he stiffed me for cab fare? Here we are going to the draft he swore I’d be a lottery pick for, and that bastard doesn’t have a dollar in his pocket. I had to pay double fare just so he could sit there next to me for two hours and say, "You’re next. I can feel it." I tell you what—he’s lucky he didn’t feel my foot up his ass!

Billy: Say, Nazr, before we go on, I guess we should order. How’s the salad nicoise here?
Nazr: It’s good. It’s not easy to find good swordfish away from the coast, but they really do a nice job here.

Billy: And the garnishings?
Nazr: Exquisite! Say, you want to get a bottle of wine? A Piesporter Riesling would tease out the flavor.
Waiter [shouting]: Hey, can that tape recorder pick up my voice, too?

Billy: This is a professional interview. Just take our order and get the hell out of here. [Pause] Anyway, where were we?
Nazr: I was telling you that Toine is gonna be one dead MoFo if I ever post his ass up.

Billy: Yeah, you two will be playing in the same game at the same time the day John Stockton dunks on Dikembe Motombo. You know, everyone and their mother—hell, even your mother—knows you’ll be lucky if you get as much PT as Mark Pope. And it would be a freakin’ miracle if you ever made it to the really big time—the Lexington Fantasy Basketball League.
Nazr: Well, my agent’s been talking to some folks—Cook n Chill, Dudes with Tudes—and he thinks there might be a chance for a mid-season pickup. I think if I could block some shots, get some boards I might be a solid role player.

Billy: Let’s see, you’ll get those boards posting up Toine, right? [Laughs] You know, I hate to call the proverbial INS down on your little Mexican fiesta, but how are you ever going to crack the LFBL? There’s no way you could play for Dudes—you don’t even have a tude.
Nazr: I do so have a tude. Don’t you remember how I choked Rasheed Wallace in the NCAAs a few years back?

Billy: You liar. You weren’t even on the team then. That was Andre Riddick.
Nazr: No, it was me! And . . . and then I waited for him outside and cut off three fingers from his right hand. And I shot him!

Billy: Assuming, just for a moment, that your skills continue to improve despite an utter lack of playing time, which position do you see yourself nominally assigned to? Power forward? Center?
Nazr: I really see myself in the Tim Duncan, Kevin Garnett mode, except shorter, slower and far less talented. I really believe I can be fourth on the depth charts at any position in the front court.

Billy: Honestly, do you really think you have the ability to sit on the bench as a small forward? You couldn’t make a single free throw two years ago against Arizona, and now you’re going to back up three players who have to guard Scottie Pippen and Glen Rice?
Nazr: You saw how much progress I made at Kentucky. I really feel like I can work my way into a position where if three players were freakishly hurt in the same game I would be able to finish at small forward before the team calls up a player from the CBA the next day.

Billy: Those are big dreams for a kid who just three years ago really sucked at basketball. I’ve got to give you credit, you may never see the big time in the LFBL, but at least you’ll be on an NBA roster if they ever start up.
Nazr: Yeah, I figure I’ve got at least one good season of pine time before the Sixers draft some high school kid who’ll bump me off the roster.

Billy: Geez, when is our food going to arrive. I’m starved. Say, that reminds me, you’re Muslim, right? Do you do this fasting thing that Hakeem does each year? I think it’s called Yom Kippur or something like that.
Nazr: You know, my dad’s mentioned that once or twice and I never really knew what he was talking about. Don’t you, like, face east or something?

Billy: You tell me, man. I ain’t some crazy pagan. Say, this is kind of off the subject, but it’s a great story. Hakeem told me that he had just finished his, you know, Yom Kippur thing or whatever, and he was thinking, "Man, am I starved" when the doorbell rings. He answers it and there’s this Girl Scout selling cookies. He buys like fifteen boxes and just inhales them. He’s so grateful that he calls her parents a few days later and asks for her hand in marriage.
Nazr: I think I heard about this.

Billy: The best part is, Hakeem’s got this killer agent, and the guy negotiated a dowry of 20 goats and 5 pigs. I mean, who gets a dowry anymore, especially when you already are a millionaire? Well, that’s off the point but you see where I’m going, don’t you?
Nazr: Not really.

Billy: I’m just saying, maybe you should fast or pray or something like that.
Nazr [laughing]: Look at me. You think I’m gonna fast? Hell, I’ll be taking Shaq to the hole before I skip a meal.

Billy: Speaking of meals, here comes ours.
Waiter [shouting]: Here you go! Hope you enjoy! I’m an aspiring actor, appearing in Rent at the Atherton Supper Club Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, 8 p.m.

Billy: Hey pretty boy, how many times do I have to tell you we’re doing an interview here. Now shut the hell up, bring us our drinks, and get your sissy, candy-assed actor voice away from my tape recorder.
Waiter [shouting]: Kiss my grits! Sometimes the Flo in me just has to let herself out. And I touched your food when I was bringing it out here and I don’t wash my hands after I pee!
Nazr: Who cares? Let’s eat.