My rocky off-season began immediately after Bafketball Jones barely lost in the first round of the 1997 playoffs. Team president Lenalicious Williams tossed me around like a rag doll and was screaming at the top of his lungs, "It's all your fault!" Then he literally threw me out of his office and ended his tirade shouting, "And if you even think about signing Cherokee Parks ever again, I'll douse you in gasoline and fire your ass!"
I later confronted Mr. Williams about the incident but he referred all inquiries on the matter to team attorney, Shirley Allen Cunningham. While talking to SAC, I was subsequently HYPMOTIZED. Now I can't remember why I'm not pursuing litigation.
However, Mr. Williams, being the superb guy that he is, and much better looking than Tiger Woods (but a sad excuse for a golfer), didn't keep me in the doghouse for long. He even gave me a vote of confidence.
"Even though you guided our team to a last place finish in the Butthead Division, you're still one of the top GM's in the league. I mean, one can't help but look at the Beavis Division and snicker uncontrollably!"
About a month later, I threw this kickin' party at my homey Anfernee's crib. I didn't expect so many of my boys to show up (how many brothas you know RSVP for anything?) so I had to buy some more malt liquor. Being high from just sitting next to Isaiah Rider all night, I sent out Dr. J's high school kids to buy some. Hey, I didn't know they were under-aged. And that slim jim they had wasn't mine, I had just found that by the pool. Honest.
The next incident occurred after I borrowed Penny's Gold Card. You see, I had been shopping for some new shoes, some new clothes, some trinkets for all my women, and a new attitude for Penny. When I was done, I just left the credit card on the table. How the hell was I supposed to know that some psycho imposter was going to break in and steal it? Does this wooden head look like a crystal ball to you?
But as the season draws nye, my outlook appears brighter. Since the Lexington Fantasy Basketball League will be using college players, I won't have any problems thinking about drafting Cherokee Parks. Also, I have been working on my new mack daddy vibe. Soon those young, mobile, and agile cheerleaders won't be able to keep their hands off LP. Ya know what I'm sayin'?
And I just heard about the Nasty Teenage Goddesses. All I gots ta say is, can anybody help this brotha out and hook me up with the team mascot?
