The Billy Spears Report finally caught up with the elusive owner of Cook N Chill, Jim
Childers and got the long-promised interview with him. Our biggest- and we do mean "big"-
correspondent, John "Hot Plate" Williams sat down with him as he was preparing a fresh batch
of "vitamin and nutritional supplements" for his players.
Q: So are the sandbags off this year?
A: You bet! It's going to be the Year of Cook N Chill.
Q: That's not the first time we've heard that you know?
A: That was all part of my strategy. Lull them all into a false sense of security.
Q: It certainly has worked, wouldn't you say?
A: Who says I'm still not sandbagging? My team may still suck.
Q: I thought you just said that you were through sandbagging.
A: Maybe I am and maybe I'm not. Who knows except myself? Nobody.
Q: Who are you? The Riddler? Just answer the damn questions, skinny boy!
A: You watch it Fatso! You're so out of shape that even Fah-Q wouldn't pick you up!
Q: I'll ask the questions and you answer them! That's the way it works.
A: Fine, just don't tell me how to answer.
Q: I'm sorry that I blew up. I'm on diet and I haven't eaten in almost 45 minutes.
A: It's OK; besides I think I've got some pills that I can hook you up with that will take care of that for you.
Q: What led to your sandbagging strategy anyway?
A: Roy Tarpley! I had a good team until he started smoking that crack.
Q: You did? Really?
A: Hey, I finished 3rd out of 8 teams in 1994-95. Just check out my power ratings for that year in Al Hoffman's league archives. I even won 20 games that season.
Q: But you've been sandbagging ever since?
A: Not really. That's just a misconception that has been perpetuated by certain parties in the LFBL.
Q: Care to clear that up then? Once and for all? I mean you are the only franchise to ever finish beneath Bennie in the regular season standings. (Ed note: CNC finished dead last in 1995-96).
A: First of all, 1995-96 wasn't my fault. I was devastated by injuries that season. I ...
Q: Speaking of injuries, how do you react to the so-called Childers Curse? Is there any truth to that?
A: Of course there is. It was very real. That was the reason that we were worse than Bennie for a season and a half. We had no healthy players.
Q: That would be 1995-96 and 1996-97?
A: Exactly. Plus in 1995-96, it was the only season that CNC has played without Chris Webber.
Q: So is the Curse still hanging over your team?
A: No, we exorcized that curse awhile back.
Q: Exorcized? Literally?
A: Well, I'd rather not go into details. I mean, we've still getting over our trouble with those animal rights groups after the Oliver Miller incident.
Q: You mean the mascot incident?
A: That's right.
Q: Would you elaborate for our readers who may not be familiar with that incident?
A: Well.... OK. A couple years back, when we had Miller on our team, he missed his pre game buffet. So of course, he gets ravenous during the pre-game lineup intros and eats the other team's mascot, Cuddly the Cute Little Bear. We caught flack for that for almost two years. So, I'm not going into any details except to say that I want to apologize to the commissioner.
Q: Apologize to the Commissioner, why?
A: Well, we weren't overly familiar with the exorcism ritual and I think we might have accidentally shifted the injury curse to Thundering Cornbread. I promise that it was completely accidental.
Q: Accident, huh? A; Sure. I mean, if we were going to try and give somebody else the curse then wouldn't we send it to another team in our division?
Q: That makes sense I guess.
A: Sure, I mean if we zapped Ryan or Karl then we could easily win the Beavis Division.
Q: What about Otto?
A: Him? Nah. Remember that old adage- never interfere when your enemy is destroying himself.
Q: Win your division? Has CNC ever actually been in 1st place? At any time during the regular season?
A: Hey! Cheap shot.
Q: True though, is it not?
A: Well.... yes. But after I go 2-0 this week then that will all change. And once we are in 1st place, nobody will be able to dislodge us from there.
Q: Pretty big talk from a "perennial league doormat" isn't it?
A: Doormat??? I've got your doormat right here jack! We are no doormat. I know doormats. I've been in the Beavis Division. And we are no doormat! As I told you, we finished 3rd out of 8 teams in 1994-95; we finished 2nd in the Beavis Division in 1997-98 and we made the championship series in 1996-97. We had one horrendous year, but that doesn't make us a doormat. Any more than Dudes losing to Bennie in the playoffs in one season makes them a playoff choke artist team.
Q: Touchy subject I see. Let's try another one. What about the rumors going around that your are using your pharmaceutical knowledge to dispense performance enhancing substances to your players?
A: My players take no drugs that are banned by the LFBL.
Q: Actually, Jim, I don't believe ANY drugs are actually banned by the LFBL.
A: Then what's the problem? It's not like we're smoking crack or something.
Q: What about Chris Webber and the chronic he's been puffing?
A: That's different.
Q: How so?
A: Well, he's our best player. Without him, we'd be Jughead. So there is some flexibility in team rules for him. He can pretty much do whatever he wants off the court as long as he puts up good numbers.
Q: And you don't any problems with your players having off the court run-ins?
A: The only problem I have is losing again this season. As long as we are winning I'm not concerned with anything else.
Q: And if you're not winning?
A: I don't see that happening this season but, if it does, then heads will roll. If somebody's not producing then I'll produce some roster moves faster than you can believe. I'll trade somebody's ass to the Turkish Fantasy League if they're dead weight.
Q: The Turkish Fantasy League?
A: Yeah, you should see what they do if you leave a game for good after a couple of minutes with some wussy, Marcus Camby-like "injury". Definitely not rated PG-13.
Q: So it's "Just Win Baby" for CNC.
A: Yes, Just Win Baby or else!
Q: So how have you improved your team to avoid another disappointment?
A: We've recently made a couple of moves that I believe have solidified our franchise and player-acquiring abilities.
Q: Such as?
A: The new general manager for CNC effective immediately is Buck Williams. As part of his contract with us, he has legally changed his name to Buck "Naked" Williams. Heh, heh, heh...
Q: What's so funny?
A: Buck... heh, heh.... Naked.... heh... get it? Buck Naked? Heh... heh
Q: I get it. It's just not that funny.
A: Sure it is... heh, heh... Buck... heh... Naked... heh, heh, heh... Williams.
Q: Damnit! Stop that!!! Before I smack you!!! Do you hear me?
A: Fuck you jack! I thought fat people were supposed to be jolly? I mean you look like you weigh 400 pounds. Besides you had to spend your college career calling Dale Brown "coach". I would think you'd have developed a sense of humor from that alone. All right, next question.
Q: You said "moves". What other moves have you made?
A: We've signed two corporate sponsorship agreements with two organizations. We are now officially Cook N Chill brought to you by the World Wrestling Foundation and Dateline NBC.
Q: The WWF? Why?
A: I love wrestling! Besides, it's a great way to get exposure so we can attract fans and players.
Q: How much money is involved?
A: It's not about the money. It's about a mutually beneficial working relationship between two business organizations. We'll get the exposure at WWF events as their wrestlers and announcers will wear CNC hats & shirts whenever they are on camera or at a WWF event. In return our players will now wear warm-ups with the WWF logo on them. And we will have a different WWF personality as our guest color man for each CNC game. First up, will be the current heavyweight champion, The Rock. Plus, henceforth, when I give our line-up for the coming week will be referred to as "The Most Exciting 45 Seconds in Fantasy Sports Today."
Q: Is that "all"? Does the term "sellout" ring a bell?
A: We did what we felt we needed to do in order to be competitive in the LFBL. I'll make no apologies for that.
Q: Guess when you are a perennial doormat then you've got to shake things up?
A: You trying to start that shit again? I'll show you a doormat... right upside your head lard ass!
Q: Guess you've been hanging out with those wrestlers too much.
A: You know.... with your size and my connections, we could probably get you a shot in the WWF as a wrestler. How about a Tag Team with O Miller? One Ton of Pain maybe?
Q: Any other WWF connections?
A: We do have a new team slogan; Childers 3:16. "I just whooped your ass... if we had played this week."
Q: What about Dateline?
A: We needed exposure and what better place than Dateline? I mean they are the most watched show on television.
Q: Because they're on every damn night of the week!
A: Bingo big boy! Now you'll see CNC promoted every night of the week! And all we had to do was agree to plug Dateline shamelessly.
Q: How so?
A: Let's see... "Dateline Dunk of the Game".... "Dateline Assist of the Game".... "Dateline Rejection of the Game"... "Dateline Team Rebound of the Half"... Yadda, Yadda, .... "Stone Phillips Airball of the Week"... "Jane Pauley Forced Shot of the Quarter"... "Tom Brokaw Illegal Screen of the Game"...
Q: I'm starving. I'm outta here.
A: ... "Maria Shriver Double Down of the Game"...