EWA Presents

JUNE 3, 1998

Derek: "Hello."

Jon: "hiya hiya hiya hiya."

Derek: "Anyway, are you ready to kick this pig."

Jon: "Well, I suppose so, but I must warn you, I'm not wearing any underpants."

Derek: "Hmm, it's a good day for a kilt."

Jon: "It's always a good day for a kilt, unless it's really windy."

Derek: "I like the breeze."

Jon: "A light breeze is nice, but a typhoon is not such a good thing."

Derek: "Hmm, who ever heard of a typhoon in Scotland anyway?"

Jon: "Could happen....el nino."

Derek: "Yeah, well who knows?"

Jon: "Anyway...."

Derek: "Here it is Jon, a week after Memorial Day Madness and my heads still reeling. I wonder how our Champion feels about his first weeks reign over the EWA."

Jon: "Well, I had a talk with him earlier today about that very subject, and he can't wait to butter up some toast and sprinkle some cinnamon and sugar on it and have a nice snack."

Derek: "Hmm, is that a metaphor or a simile, or are you just rambling once again."

Jon: "Rambling. Definitely, Why? You got a problem with that?"

Derek: "No, no problem at all. I never promised your sister that I would keep you from making a fool of yourself, just keep you from hurting yourself."

Jon: "Damn her, she's always looking out for my best interest. I hate it when she does that."

Derek: "Well, so we finally got back to Rochester late last night. I told you that week we took off with the Redskin Cheerleaders would be a disaster."

Jon: "I never would have guessed them to like those kinds of things. They look like such wholesome girls."

Derek: "Wholesome, WHOLESOME. She said she wanted to plug your brains out when she met you. How was I supposed to know she didn't mean with a gun. And her cousin, I've never, ever in my life seen someone do that to a banana."

Jon: "The banana was just the beginning. You should have see what the two red heads did with that watermelon. It still sends shivers down my spine."

Derek: "Hey, your spine. They happened to be using my back for a table at that moment. Besides at least the twins didn't try to eat salad, if you know what I mean?"

Jon: "Confidentially, I don't think those were tomatoes, if you know what I mean."

Derek: "Oh, that's it, do I have to get you a sex primer book, or what?"

Jon: "Actually, now that I think about it, they looked more like prunes. Maybe I just imagined that, but I thought the lemon juice was a bit much."

Derek: "Oh man you are one sick, sick puppy. Anyway, Let's get straight to our first match. Who are the munchkins this time Jon?"

Jon: "Oh, well, that would be Enrique the Bondage Midget, this evenings special guest midget."

Derek: "Oh, no, not him?

Jon: "Security found him out by the dumpster with a pit bull."

Derek: "Hmmm, That's really uh.. interesting an stuff but uh, who's wrestling in the first match."

Jon: "Oh, the first match. Well, you can be certain it's not the Battle Royal. That's the main event."

Derek: "Exactly Pea brain, that's the way it was billed at least. Let's cut to the ring and see what is up."

Jon: "DOWN WITH THE CRYPTO-FACIST IMPERIALIST AGRESSORS!"

"Around the World" by Daft Punk is heard as Connor Chambers emerges from the entryway with a smile on his face, dragging a wagon behind him full of weapons. The camera takes a shot of the wagon. There are bats, clumps of barbwire, and other items. He reaches the ring and lifts the wagon, and pushes it under the bottom rope. He climbs in as "The Suck for your Solution" by Marylin Manson is heard, and the arena is filled with boos. Suicide King makes his way to the ring carrying something long and rectangular covered

in a white blanket. He enters the ring, pulls off the cover, and smashes a window over Chamber’s head!

The bell is heard and Suicide King dives on the hurt Chambers and unleashes a fury of punches and forearm shots. He grabs a shard of glass from the broken window and takes a stab, but Chambers rolls out of the way and gets up. He jumps for the wagon and pulls out an aluminum baseball bat. He charges at SK and takes a swing but SK dodges it and slices CC in the rib, leaving a gash in his side. CC attacks SK and proceeds to beat him down in the corner with the bat.

He tosses the bat aside and lifts SK up for a powerslam. He picks him up by the hair and Irish whips him and follows up with a spine buster. 1...2...no. CC digs through the wagon and pulls out a trashcan lid. He smashes it over SK’s head and lays it down preparing to DDT SK onto the lid. He sets it up but SK picks him up and hits a sidewalk slam onto the trashcan lid. SK tosses CC over the top to the outside and goes to the top. He braces himself and hits a corkscrew plancha onto CC! Both men are spilled out on the concrete. CC stands up holding his side from the bloody gash. He Irish whips SK into the guard rail and goes into the ring. He reaches in the wagon and pulls out a ball of barbed wire. He runs to SK and wraps it around his neck, choking him as blood runs down his chest. SK is gasping for breath, but steps back lifting CC off the ground and throws him forward. SK runs the barbed wire down CC’s back tearing off chunks of flesh and leaving three deep cuts. CC falls to the floor writhing in pain as SK runs to the locker room area. CC slowly gets up as SK returns carrying...a men’s urinal! He walks up behind CC and bashes him in the head with the urinal. He tosses it down, picks up CC, and DDTs him onto the urinal! He throws him inside for the cover, 1...2..th--no!

SK goes up top, and tries a moonsault, but CC lifts his knees and SK is knocked windless! CC takes some time to recover, and pulls a chair from his wagon. He smacks SK numerous times on the head with it, then opens it up. He sits SK in the chair, and goes up top for a missile dropkick! 1...2...thre--NO! SK somehow lifted his shoulder to break the pin. CC is obviously frustrated. He goes under the table, and comes up with two tables. He stacks the tables on top of each other, and lifts SK to the tables. SK elbows CC in the ribs, as CC doubles over, SK lifts him up and pile drives him from the ring apron to the concrete floor! SK drags CC’s wagon out and takes out a couple of 2x4’s. He winds up, and cracks one over CC’s head! CC is bleeding heavily from a deep cut on his head. His hair is stained with blood, but that doesn’t stop SK from hitting a running legdrop, and grabbing the other 2x4 and whacking CC in the ribs about 5 times. SK takes CC back in, and goes up for a Superplex. He hits it! 1...2...thr-no! CC kicks out! SK is enraged and he takes CC up again for a belly-to-back superplex. He sets up, but CC hits a back elbow and SK has fallen and landed on the men’s urinal!

CC sets up and hits an elbow drop onto SK. 1...2...thre-kickout! SK kicked out! CC is grabbing his hair in frustration. He runs to the locker room area and comes back with a box of thumbtacks! He scatters them on the top table, and oh my gosh, he lays SK onto the tables! CC goes up top, and he hits a Suicide Dive through both tables and thumbtacks! Both SK and CC are covered in each other’s blood, and they are both down. Incredibly CC gets up, and takes SK inside. He brings the wagon in, and turns it upside-down onto the ring floor. He picks SK up, and hits the Chamber-Made onto the wagon! 1...2...3!!!

Derek: "Wow, I don't know what to say, No really I don't know what to say. Damn Jeannie forgot to turn the Teleprompter on."

Jon: "Oh man, how could I have done that? Damn."

Derek: "Don't worry about it, I'm sure President Aaron won't fire you over this one incident. At least not until I let him see the XXX file."

Jon: "Oh, if you're going to show him that, you may want to edit out the bit with you and Molly."

Derek: "Hey, she is a legitimate, fully licensed, sex therapist."

Jon: "Is that why she carries a bag full of carrots every time she visits you?"

Derek: "Hey, just because she feeds me carrots cause I'm hung like a horse doesn't mean that I don't have legitimate problems."

Jon: "Should I say anything about that medical insurance claim you filed after her last session?"

Derek: "Ok, lets make a deal, you don't mention that, and I won't say a word of this to Aaron."

Jon: "Deal. But you have to by me lunch tomorrow, or I tell him about the security camera footage of you in his office with the bearded lady from the carnival that rolled through town earlier this week."

Derek: "FINE, isn't it time for a match or something."

The camera makes its way out of the EWA arena and onto rte. 490... Some fans that were outside make a circle to get ready for the match up as the people in the arena anxiously wait as they look on the Extreme-tron. "Riders on the Storm" by the Doors blares over the speakers in the arena as Drifter makes his way out from the back. He looks at the fans, and then begins to head to the outside. As he does this "Magic Carpet Ride" by Steppenwolf plays and SuperReactor runs out from the back. He runs after Drifter and catches him before he makes it out of the arena! They are brawling near one of the exit doors as the crowd cheers loudly. Drifter grabs a chair and hits SuperReactor over the head with it! He hits him a couple more times! Oh my! Drifter grabs SuperReactor's skull and points to the glass door. He whips SuperReactor into the door, but it's reversed! Drifter crashes through the door, shattering it! Pieces of glass are stuck in Drifters back and chest as he is bleeding from the forehead. The blood is pouring out as

both men have made it out of the arena. SuperReactor lifts up a hurting Drifter and carries him to where the match up is scheduled to take place.

SuperReactor throws Drifter down near where the ref, and the group full of people are. Cars begin to whiz by as SuperReactor grabs a chain from out of nowhere. He lifts it up and gets ready to swing, but Drifter its a LOW BLOW! SuperReactor falls to his knees as Drifter gets up on his feet. SuperReactor walks near an abandoned building across the street and grabs a couple bricks. He runs back over, and throws a brick at Drifter! Drifter gets cut open after getting hit the second time, and both men are now bleeding pretty badly. SuperReactor jumps on his fallen opponent as the ref counts. One..two..no! Drifter kicks out and gets back up to his feet. The two lock up and exchange fists yet again. SuperReactor wins and lifts up Drifter. He bodyslams him on the pavement! Drifter grabs his lower back as SuperReactor grabs a chair. He whips the chair around, but Drifter ducks! He hits a super kick at the chair, smacking SuperReactor's face. SuperReactor falls down, but he is lifted back up. Drifter grabs him and body slams him on the middle of the road! He lifts up SuperReactor again, and power bombs him! It's got to be over with for SuperReactor!!! Drifter covers as the ref gets ready to count. THERES A CAR COMING! The ref counts. One...two. UGGHHH! The car hits the ref as it tries to stop! A couple cars behind the first one have no time and they crash in to each other! Drifter and SuperReactor get out of the road, but its a total mess!

The ref gets "escorted" away on a stretcher as a new one comes out. As SuperReactor goes to look at the ref on the stretcher, Drifter walks from behind him and clotheslines him to the ground. The crowd heat begins to pick up as Drifter climbs ontop of one of the smashed cars. He lifts up SupperReactor and calls for the Highway Robbery! He's going for his finisher, but SuperReactor climbs off. SuperReactor lifts up Drifter and body slams him on the hood of the car! A dent is made as SuperReactor covers his opponent. The ref counts.. One...two...thr.no! Drifter manages to get his shoulder up and get to his knees. SuperReactor attempts to clothesline Drifter, but he ducks and lifts SR up. Drifter press slams SuperReactor off of the car onto the pavement!

The crowd begins to cheer for Drifter as he begins to clobber SuperReactor with a fury of fists. SuperReactor falls to the ground again as Drifter gives a yell out. He climbs onto the front end of the car and lifts up SuperReactor. He hits the Highway Robbery through the windshield!! OHH MY GOSH!! SuperReactor is out as Drifter does his best to cover him. The ref counts.. One...two...three!!!!! Drifter wins the extreme match up!

Jon: "Oh man, you spilled my juice."

Derek: "Ok, that's it. Next week I'm bringing you a baby bottle. You can suck till your heart's content."

Jon: "Hey now, I don't want any part of your 'adult baby' fetish. You can keep that action at home."

Derek: "Ok, but I was just going to have Jeanie provide the milk if you know what I mean. It was supposed to be a birthday surprise, but since you ruined it."

Jon: "Damn it. I have a way of doing that. Jeanie's got the nicest..."

Derek: "Match, uhhh, match someone quick cut to the match. Here comes Jeanie with that barb-wire baseball bat. Holy shit she just kicked the shit out of the cameraman."

Jon: "I take it she didn't know about your little surprise, eh?"

Jon: "Dear god. Run for your life. Here she comes!"

The crowd is silent, waiting longer than usual as the cage is lowered. The lights go dark, and the Extreme-tron comes to life with miscolored, cackling, demonic looking faces of the prez and vice prez's, and a deep voice screams out "WELCOME TO YOUR NIGHTMARE!!!!"

Suddenly, "Paradise City" blares from the speakers as Tommy Grayson walks down with Christine on his arm, waving to the crowd, who's relatively indifferent, but cheering anyway. The music stops suddenly, then is replaced by "Magic Carpet Ride". SuperReactor barrels down the entryway, and Grays scrambles to the other side of the cage, which ring attendants is currently filling with weapons. SuperReactor and Grayson glare at each other from across and through the cage, when "Better than You" screams through the speakers and Douglas comes from the back. Grayson grins and both men start to stalk Super Reactor as "Sad but True" comes through the speakers. Freeman walks down the ramp at a leisurely pace, and Grayson again starts to back up. Douglas just shakes his head, and he and Grayson enter the ring. Freeman and SuperReactor, grinning widely, step in, and the bell rings.

Douglas and SuperReactor lock up, and Douglas goes for a power slam right onto a snow shovel! Oh, this match is already taken to the extreme, and who better to take it there than the Extreme Annihilation, the Man, the Master, the... umm... ummm... Who better than Chris Douglas to take it to the extreme? Douglas picks Super Reactor up and goes for a DDT, but wait! He's dragging Reactor to his corner, and Freeman is just smiling and nodding. Is this a double cross? Has Freeman turned his back on his partner? Douglas tags Grayson, and holds Reactor in the DDT position. Grayson goes to the top rope! HE'S GOING FOR A 450!! NO!! At the last minute, SuperReactor pushed away! Or was he pushed? Grayson is writhing on the mat, Douglas goes trough the ropes! Reactor goes to his corner with no one to stop him! Freeman is tagged in, and he instantly goes after Grayson, who's just getting up. SuperReactor is grinning ear to ear, he doesn't look as badly hurt as he seemed! SOMETHING weird is definitely going on!

Freeman whips Grayson into the ropes and hits a double dropkick on the return. He picks up the hapless Grayson and hits a power slam! Douglas gets in the ring while Freeman is setting Grayson up for a backdrop over the shoulder. Douglas picks up a hockey stick and takes a mighty swing at Freeman's back.. JUST AS GRAYSON IS SWUNG IN POSITION! The stick breaks over Grayson's chest, and the shards of fiberglass cut his chest open! Freeman drops Grayson on his head and goes nose to nose with Douglas. He points to the corner, and Douglas goes, staring daggers at Freeman. Grayson gets up and hits Freeman with a chop to the chest. Freeman is hardly moved, and Grayson goes for another. Freeman grabs his writs and whips him into the corner, but... IT'S HIS OWN CORNER!! Freeman made a mistake, and Grayson goes for the tag.

Where's Douglas? Douglas isn't in the corner, and Freeman hits a charging double knee that makes Grayson collapse to the mat. Freeman picks Grayson up and points to his own corner! DOUGLAS IS THERE, GRINNING, SIDE BY SIDE WITH SUPERREACTOR! Both men get into the ring and all three menace Grayson into the corner. The three men start beating on him, and flacks of blood start coming off of their fists! the men back up and Grayson is broken and bloody, on his hands and knees. Douglas locks on the End of the Line and has Grayson screaming in seconds, but the referee is no longer in control... he's in the corner counting out money! Freeman and Reactor are hitting elbows and knee drops, kicking the man while the End of the Line is still locked on. Douglas lets go, and Freeman picks up Grayson, hitting a powerbomb and finishing the move with the Texas Cloverleaf... IT'S THE DEVESTATOR! Grayson is moaning, he's almost unconscious, and the cage door opens. Justin Satiable comes in and rushes Freeman, but he's hit with a double team clothesline from SuperReactor and Douglas! Grayson is out cold, and Freeman stands, goes to the corner while the two men beat hell out of Satiable. He comes back with... a femur? It's a HUMAN LEGBONE! He grabs a mic and looks at satiable, who's down, and says into it, "Tonya Harding was a bitch, but ya gotta like her style!" He rears back and SLAMS THE BONE INTO SATIABLES KNEE! Oh, that's gotta hurt! He does it again, and again, and there's a sickening crunch coming from the knee. Freeman holds up the bone and says "I just couldn't let LivKid go without letting him get one last shot in!" and tosses the bone out! The three men step out of the cage and walk up to the announcer's booth. Herbert Pinkle meets them there.

HP: What the hell is going on here? What was that all about?

(Freeman grabs the mic out of Pinkle's hand and shoves the man out of the way. He holds the mic up to his mouth and begins to speak.)

Freeman: "What this was all about, is simple. This was a birth. It was the birth of the most devastating force in the EWA. Devastation Incorporated. With JD Freeman as the chairman, and with SuperReactor and Chris Douglas as the board members, we will be unstoppable."

(Freeman looks over at Douglas, who is still wearing a wide grin.)

Freeman: "Well, I know that everyone will want to know why. Why did you do it? Chris Douglas... how could you join a man like JD Freeman? Well Chris, why don't you tell everyone?"

(Freeman hands the mic over to Chris Douglas who takes it with a flourish. He takes a moment to shake the hands of JD Freeman and SuperReactor before he speaks.)

Chris Douglas: "Well, JD, what can I say? Only a dumb ass would decline an offer, to start off the most Devastating, dominant force in ALL of wrestling. JD Freeman, and Chris Douglas. The two toughest bastards in the EWA, well what more can I say? JD has said it all. Devastation Inc. will be unstoppable. HWO, Slater, Suicide King, Chance Charles, Dirk Ryan, nobody is, or ever will be enough for us. And along with the SuperReactor, and Honey, we will rule wrestling, we will rule the EWA! Anyone who wants a piece of us: Beat us if you can...survive, if we let you!"

Jon: "Lord knows we've needed them each and every week."

Derek: "Anyway, lets show the people what happened last week after the end of the PPV. Why don't you tell them your side of the story Jon. I mean we all know you didn't mean to hit that Butch Hosebag."

Jon: "Well, it was clearly an accident. Who would have guessed she would have been so angry about her lifestyle."

Derek: "I know, but you did call her a dyke."

Jon: "Well, she deserved it. She was making fun of your toupee."

Derek: "Uh, Jon. I don't wear a toupee. Wasn't that your sisters mustache?"

Jon: "I don't know. All I can say is that there was WAY to much hair up here that night, and not all of it was real."

Derek: "Hey, next time you tell the production crew that they have to shave their legs. I'm not up to that chore."

Jon: "I thought Jeanie was in charge of that department?"

Derek: "Hmm, it looks like she just walked out. I hate that. Next time I might have to grovel to stop her. Let's go to the next match, and I'll see if she won't come back."

Jon: "Don't forget to give her the box of chocolates out of the emergency kit."

"Smack my Bitch Up" by Prodigy starts playing throughout the arena. Out walks Pimp daddy J escorted down the aisle by his number one whore Dianne. The crowd is booing unmercifully as they see that Dianne is sporting a few fresh bruises on her face and she's got marks up and down her arms. Pimp just waves his pimpstick at the crowd and tells them if they don't shut up he'll do to them what he did to Dianne. "Hells Bells" by AC/DC blares over the PA system and Ray Simmons comes out from the back to a good pop. He's coming down the aisle and sees that Pimp isn't in the ring yet and runs up behind him and clotheslines him to the concrete floor.

RS picks up Pimp and suplexes him onto the ring steps. Pimps lower back bounces off of the steel steps like a basketball. Simmons throws Pimp in the ring and follows him in. RS bounces off the ropes and hits a leg drop on Pimp. RS Irish whips Pimp into the ropes, RS goes for a clothesline but Pimp ducks and comes back off the ropes and cross body blocks RS. The ref goes for the count, 1, 2, kick-out by RS.

Pimp starts pounding on RS's head, Pimp picks up RS and whips him into the corner. Pimp runs in shoulder first, but RS moves and Pimp runs in shoulder first, but RS moves and Pimp hits the steel ringpost. RS grabs Pimp and hits the German Suplex. Pimps shoulders are down, 1, Pimp kicks out. RS picks up Pimp and irish whips him to the ropes, dropkick to Pimp. RS picks up Pimp and DDT's him hard to the mat. Pimp seems to be out cold.

Here comes Violet down th runway, she approaches Dianne and starts pleading with her to leave Pimp and go to the back with her. Dianne tells her the Pimp would kill her if she left him. Meanwhile, RS is climbing slowly up to the top turnbuckle, he leaps off and goes for a frog splash but Pimp rolls out of the way and RS hits the mat hard. He's clutching his stomach and Pimp rolls RS and applies the CAMEL CLUTCH on RS. The ref is asking RS if he wants to give up, but RS is saying no. After a few min in the hold, the ref starts to raise RS's arm, first time it drops to the mat. On the second try, Pimp notices that Violet is talking to Dianne. Pimp yells out, "what the fuck", he goes to the outside and confronts Violet.

"What the hell do you want, I suggest you get the hell away from Dianne right now" yells Pimp. Violet gets in his face and screams, "you're not a real man, real men don't hit women". Pimp says, "OH YEAH", he then hauls off and slaps her in the face. The crowd stares at Pimp in disbelief. FANG comes flying out of the backstage area and jumps on Pimp. Fang starts throwing fierce punches at his head and screaming at him for hitting Violet. The crowd is going ballistic, cheering, yelling for Fang.

Meanwhile a man jumps over the guardrail on the other side of the ring. It's DIRK RYAN, he runs over to the timekeepers table and grabs Pimps stick and climbs in the ring. He swings back and whacks RS in the back about 5 times. You can see the welts rushing to the surface of RS's skin. Dirk then spits on him and gets out of the ring, throws the stick on the ground and disappears into the crowd. Over on the other side Fang is seen escorting a crying Violet back to the dressing room. Pimp gets up slowly, sees RS laying in the ring out cold and rolls into the ring. Pimp puts one arm on him for the cover, the ref counts, 1,2,3..

Derek: "Well, that took a lot of persuading, and quite a hefty raise, but she decided she would come back if you would apologize and ask her out on a date Jon. On public TV mind you."

Jon: "Do I have to get on my knees?

Derek: "Hmm, oh yeah. You have to give her this too. I forgot." {Derek takes out a small box and hands it to Jon.}

Jon: "Okay, I'll see what I can do. National TV, huh?"

Derek: "Audience, can you help me. I believe in the immortal words of Steve Austin. OH HELL YEAH."

Jon: "Stop, you're starting to sound like Shawn B."

Derek: "Ah, a symphony of pain, the prelude to a destructive yet totally spectacular night."

Jon: "Jeanie, will you go out with me after the show tonight? Please? Oh, and Derek wanted me to give you this." <holds out the small box for the camera to see as a he smiles in a incredibly cheesy manner.>

Death.

Destruction.

Violence.

Mayhem.

And a bag of Oreos.

OK, so there's NONE of that here. YET. I'm sending someone for the Oreo's now. But the rest will have to be provided by...

The theme to "Hang 'em High" rolls from the speakers, and the crowd goes goofy, screaming and yelling. The Hanging Judge comes down the aisle, eyes intent on his job. This man is truly a hard worker, and he deserves a lot of respect for some of the superstars look good.

The music changes to "We're off to see the wizard", and Alistair Cloudfruit skips down the aisle. He instantly grabs the mic and begins to speak.

Alistair: The candy-light sound of your cheers caress in waves and waves of adulation, and it makes me feel funny, like climbing the rope in gym class. Gym class, it's dead, gym, and the rope is a snake ready to bite your ass with a special poison that makes me feel Mopie, gorilla my dreams, I adore you.

From the way back a group dressed all in black snaps, before some big burly men storm the back and kick the crap out of them. Suddenly, from the speakers, pours "Guitarzan", and Mopie, the gorilla, lopes from the back. He charges into the ring and the bell clangs. Mopie goes, ummm... ape shit, and starts wheeling his arms around and around. Cloudfruit screams like a bitch and huddles in the corner. Hanging Judge stands tall, points a shaking finger, and calls out, "I SENTENCE YOU TO-" But Cloudfruit comes forward, whispers in Judges ear, and Judge gapes. "CYRIS USES THAT LINE?! DAMMIT!" Mopie instantly hits the judge with a rillacanrana, and Cloudfruit gets a Gorilla slam on top of the judge. Mopie goes for the double count, but the Judge kicks out. Mopie is pissed, and Gorilla Presses the Judge out of the ring! Cludfruit connects with a FruitPunch! Mopie is out! Cloudfruit is staring at his fist in awe, then starts to giggle. He goes to the top rope for a plancha, but Mopie and the Judge are already up and brawling toward the rear of the crowd! Alistair calls out "Wait for me!" and tackles the two men where the Beatnicks are sitting. The burly guys from before are drinking espressos with the beatnicks and exchanging slips of papers! OH MY GOD!! THAT IS SICK!!! MOPIE JUST FARTED IN A BEATNICKS FACE!!

Cloudfruit tackles the gorilla and begins punching wildly, looking a lot like Jim Carey in that scene at the end of the Mask, you remember? Where he tackles the bad guy without the mask on and starts flailing wildlly? You don't? Well, Cloudfruit looks just like that. Hanging Judge tackles the two others and they pour into the lobby! The three are fighting hard, Mopie grabs Cloudfruit by the ears and slams him down! That's the Hear no Evil! OH GOD! He's got Hanging Judge by the temples, covering the eyes, and he slammed him down hard!! The See no Evil!! The two men try to sneak off, when Mopie grabs them both by the mouth from behind them both and SLAMS their heads together!! The Speak no Evil!! Mopie's jumping up and down, when a concession vendor comes out yelling "Peanuts... Popcorn... Candy!! Peanuts... Popcorn... Candy!!" the three stand instantly, and get in line. Mopie tries to push Cloudfruit out of the way, but Cloudfruit refuses to budge! Hanging Judge starts pulling Mopie away, and gets a smack in the face! The fight is on! Mopie slams the two down, then grabs a bag of peanuts and rips them open, guzzling them down.

Hanging Judge and Mopie begin to brawl again, and start rolling toward the doors. Cloudfruit goes to follow, but gets grabbed from behind... it's the concession guy!! He's making Cloudfruit pay the bill! Oh, the HUMANITY!! Gorilla's inhumanity to man!! In the arena, the Judge and Mopie are duking it out, when Cloudfruit FINALLY shows up and takes them both down with a move that would make Yvonne wet her panties! All three me-... er, Peo-... er... wrestlers stand, and throw simultaneous punches... and MISS!! Wait, now they've all fallen! The ref, confused, starts to count!! I think this is a case of Monkey See, Monkey do! The referee gets to ten, the bell rings, triple count out!!

The three stand and start celebrating wildly. Then they begin to argue about who did a better "job". Judge hits Mopie over the head, and the ape goes down again. Judge and Cloudfruit look on in awe. Hanging Judge makes a signal, and "Take this Job and Shove It" blares over the speaker. Quicksilver, Hammer Canseco, Scorpion, and Cobra (the tag team currently unknown as Venom) come from the back with a robe, a contract, and a banner that says "Jobbers, Inc." Hanging Judge helps Mopi up, and gets a mic.

HJ: Mopie, you've impressed me. You know how to swallow your pride and godown swinging, but still go down. I'm impressed. I want you to be a member of the largest, most prestigous, hardest working stable in existance: Jobbers, Inc. Will you join us, Mopie?

Mopie thinks, long and hard, then shakes his head. Scorpion pulls out a banana, and Mopie hops up and down, nodding vigorously. The crew, Mopie in the center, walk out to Pomp and circumstance, and the audience... well.. cheers... sorta...

Derek: "I'm surprised you didn't even check to see what was in the box."

Jon: "Oh, there's no need for that. I have a pretty good idea of what it is."

Derek: "Take your wildest guess, I'm sure you won't think of it in a million years."

Jon: "That's okay, I wouldn't want to spoil the surprise. The look on her face will be priceless."

Derek: "You really, really, don't want to know do you? I mean you are terrified to find out?"

Jon: "Completely."

Derek: "Don't worry, it wasn't a ring or anything. It was just your new key to the executive showers."

Derek: "Oh, oh, oh, could it be? Could the great Jon Marx finally be tying the knot? Who ever would have guessed it?"

Jon: "You're not making this any easier, you know. Don't you have to go powder your nose or something?"

Derek: "Umm, well I think they want me down at ringside to do an interview folks. This is Derek Ash and I'll be up here after the main event to finish out our fine show."

Jon: "I think I need a drink. Where's that beer vendor when you need him. Wait, I don't drink beer. So, Derek had quite the interesting encounter last night. We were on our way through the airport, when this Hare Krishna tried to solicit a donation from us. Derek gave him a dollar. I was so disappointed."

Several members of the EWA crew attach large cables to the bottom of the ring as VP Artful makes his way down to ringside. He stops at the end of the isle, but does not enter the ring. He produces a microphone from under his coat, and begins to speak.

Artful: "Alright, let's get down to business. This next match is, in fact, a 20 man over the top rope Battle Royal to determine the first ever EWA Television Champion. Sadly, the match will not be as advertised. The ring will not be suspended 20 feet above the floor. That's not nearly high enough. 50 feet above the floor is the proper height for a match like this. I hope none of the wrestlers are afraid of heights. That would be truly unfortunate. Okay, so here they are, in no particular order, Cyris & Irish Rebel & Drifter & Suicide King & Dave Reiners & Ray Simmons & Pimp Daddy J & Jason Dragon & Spyder & Chris Douglas & Chance Charles & SuperReactor & Tommy Grayson & Johnny Sledge & Dave Slater & DJ Friday & Dominic Francesco & Jimmy McDougal & Connor Chambers & Fang!"

As the wrestlers parade down to the ring (which is still on the floor) Artful pulls Fang aside, and begins talking to him.

Artful: "Are you sure you don't want to try out the "Gothos the Vampire" gimmick?"

Fang: "NO! Thank you. I'll just be myself."

Artful: "You're positive? Think of the merchandising."

Fang: "That's okay, really."

Artful shrugs his shoulders and slaps Fang on the back. Fang climbs into the ring where the others have already started brawling. Once Fang has entered the ring Artful gives the signal, and the ring begins to rise off of the floor. Slowly it rises as the men fight it out, trying to secure their place in history. The ring is now 5 feet off the ground. Suddenly, Dave Slater is thrown over the top. As the ring reaches 10 feet above the ground it begins to sway a bit. 15 feet comes and goes as the men continue to beat each other senseless. The ring reaches 20 feet, and is starting to pick up speed. A loud screech fills the arena as sparks begin to fall from the rafters. The ring comes to a sudden, jarring stop at 22 feet above the floor, knocking everyone off balance momentarily. Francesco struggles to regain his balance, but Drifter hits him with an elbow, that sends him over the top rope, and down to the floor with a sickening thud. Drifter peers over the rope at the body of Francesco, who is pulling himself to his feet, and limping to the back. Drifter turns in time to see Sledge running at him. Sledge is going for a clothesline, but Drifter back body drops him over the rope! Sledge lands comfortably in the crowd.

As Sledge walks towards the back, VP Artful can be seen arguing with a couple of technicians about the ring. In one corner of the ring Simmons and Grayson are going at it, while Douglas battles King in another corner. Charles and Chambers exchange punches in the center of the ring. Chambers whips Charles into a corner, where he slams into Grayson, causing he, Grayson, and Simmons to fall to the mat. Chambers picks up Charles in a gorilla press, and is about to throw him over the rope when Fang dropkicks Chambers in the back of the head. Charles falls backwards into the ring, as Chambers flies over the rope. Fang is up quickly, and fending off attacks from Drifter, SuperReactor, and Cyris. The three gang up on Fang, and try to throw him out, but Fang battles back, throwing Drifter out. Charles comes over, and throws Cyris out, then he and Fang team up to throw SuperReactor out. Charles and Fang stare uneasily at each other for a moment, then split up, and go after other people. Irish Rebel throws McDougal out as Reiners ejects Dragon. Pimp Daddy J throws out DJ Friday.

The remaining 10 wrestlers break off into pairs, and begin slugging it out. A noose can be seen being lowered from the rafters. The camera pans up to show Mopie the Gorilla lowering the rope while Hanging Judge and Alistair Cloudfruit direct his actions. Without much help from Judge and Cloudfruit, Mopie manages to get the rope around Spyder's throat, then begins pulling him into the rafters! Spyder struggles to free himself, but is unable to. In the rafters, Mopie begins to lumber off towards one side of the building, while Judge and Cloudfruit argue about what should be done with Spyder. Judge stops Mopie, and tries to take the rope from him, as the still squirming Spyder dangles dangerously below them 150 feet above the arena floor. The rope slips from Judges hand, and Spyder plummets to the floor like a rock in water. Spyder hits the ground with a splat, as all the bones in his body splinter. Several fans hop over the guardrail and begin kicking the obviously dead Spyder. Several EMT's accompanied by security guards make their way through the unruly mob towards Spyder. Suddenly flames erupt from the center of the mob, and they quickly disperse. Spyder's body is in flames, and reduced to ash rather quickly.

Back in the ring, Suicide King eliminates Irish Rebel and Dave Reiners as they try to settle score from their first match. King turns to see Pimp Daddy J coming at him. King hits him with a drop toehold that sends him face-first into the bottom turnbuckle. King is up quickly, but all fighting stops as the remaining wrestlers stare in awe at a black clad figure repelling down from the rafters, and into the ring. The figure looks almost like, could it be? Is that Sting up there? Wait, he's got a microphone.

Figure: "I'm Shawn B., and I deserve to be in this battle royal. I'm the greatest wrestler in the world, and I'm going to kick all of your asses!"

Shawn throws down the mic, and goes after Fang. Pimp Daddy J is up, and runs up behind Shawn, grabbing him by the neck, and leaping over the top rope, eliminating himself, but taking Shawn with him! Pimp Daddy J just bulldogged Shawn from 22 feet in the air! As they hit the ground Shawn's head explodes! Pimp Daddy jumps to his feet, and starts yelling wildly at Shawn's dead body! Pimp Daddy receives a HUGE pop as he leaps into the crowd.

In the ring, Grayson is viciously beating on Douglas. Grayson, apparently still bitter about what happened earlier in the evening, drives Douglas into the mat with several kicks to the head. Douglas tries to get to his feet, but is quickly beaten back down by Grayson. Finally Grayson picks up the bloodied Douglas and drives his head into the turnbuckle. Douglas hits Grayson with an elbow to the mid -section, but does no real damage. Grayson responds with a German suplex. Grayson gets up quickly, but is promptly thrown out of the ring by Simmons. Simmons the helps Douglas up then throws him out of the ring. King comes up behind Simmons, and hits him with a double axe-handle. Simmons turns, and hits King with a backhand chop. Fang hits Simmons with a dropkick that sends him into the corner. King hits Fang with an elbow drop. Charles goes up to the top for his 450 splash, but the ring begins to move again, throwing Charles off balance, but he stays on the turnbuckle! The ring lurches to a stop again as one of the cables snaps! Charles looses his balance again, and falls off the turnbuckle, and into the crowd! The ring is tilted at a 12-degree angle. King gets to his feet, and goes for Simmons, but is tripped by Fang. Simmons grabs King on his way down, and hits him with a DDT. Simmons picks up King, and hits him with a short clothesline. Fang is back to his feet, and kicks Simmons in the gut. Slowly King begins to slide towards the low end of the ring. As he's about to slide off the ring apron, he grabs onto the bottom rope, and pulls himself back into the ring. Simmons whips fang into the high corner. King rushes out of the low corner, and knee's Simmons in the back. Simmons drops to one knee, but gets back up as King tries to whip him into the ropes. Simmons reverses it, and sends King into the ropes. King leapfrogs over Simmons, and hits the opposite ropes, but Fang is pulling them down, and King falls out of the ring!

Fang leaps forward, catching Simmons off guard with a standing sidekick. Fang follows up with an elbow drop, but Simmons rolls out of the way. Fang is up quickly, as is Simmons. Fang goes for a short clothesline, but Simmons ducks, and comes up behind Fang, hitting him with a German suplex. Simmons is back up, and pulls Fang to his feet. Simmons head butts Fang, causing him to stagger back towards the low corner. Simmons hits a second head butt, then a third, until Fang is back all the way into the low corner. Simmons whips Fang into the high corner, and follows up with a clothesline.

Simmons tries to push Fang over the tope rope, but Fang hags on, and manages to kick Simmons in the face. Simmons backs off for a second, then comes back in, and catches another foot to the face. Fang slips around behind Simmons, spins him around, and sets him up for a vertical suplex, but Simmons blocks it, then nails a swinging neck breaker. Simmons picks up Fang, then grabs him by the throat, and the trunks, and hoists him over the rope, giving him a good toss. Simmons watches as Fang manages to catch hold of one of the cables. Fang slow tries to climb down the cable, and back to the ring. Suddenly the cable he is hanging on to snaps, and Fang goes swinging through the air towards the upper deck of the arena. When the cable reaches its apex, Fang lets go, gracefully landing on an older gentleman and his two grandkids, before disappearing in the crowd.

Derek: "Damn, now that is what I call a plea for help. Jeanie, for the love of God would you please go out with the guy."

Derek: "Man, leave you alone for five minutes and you tell all my secrets."

Jon: "Well, what was I supposed to do. Talk about your lack of a sex life?"

Derek: "Anyway, Simmons wins the belt and I think we will leave you this time to the pleasing sounds we recorded as Spyder's little web burned all around him."

Jon: "In C Minor."

Derek: "Next week we will bring you the following SAGA of Rochester 98210."

Jon: "In C Minor."

Derek: "This is Derek Ash signing off for Jon Marx, who I think is currently running out to jump in the limo with Jeanie. We were sneaking a camera along, but Jeanie got wind of it and well, another day another broken camera."