Attack of the Killer Tomatoes

Dateline Dickson City-Some people never learn. Three days ago, Thomas Stalshek tried to rob the local Wegman's Supermarket, located on Route 6. He walked up to a cashier and threatened her with a Yanni CD. She gave him roughly $500 in cash.
He would have gotten away, had he not tripped over a tomato, which had fallen out of somebody's cart. He fell, and, as one eye witness put it "He split his head open like an overripe melon."
Thomas was admitted to the Mid Valley Hospital E.R., where he had to get 154 stitches in his left thigh. The doctors then realized that they had made a mistake, and gave him a frontal lobotomy. Realizing their second mistake, they put back his brain, and turned him over to Sparky, the first german sheperd to graduate medical school. He graduated top of his class, which consisted of three akitas, five doberman pinchers, two other german sheperds, and a pit bull.
Thomas is currently sitting in a Lackawanna State Prison cell, and is awaiting trial for attempted theft. He is also suing Wegman's for twelve million dollars. As his lawyer, I.P. Freely, puts it, "My client is clearly the victim here. This is cleary a case of neglect on the part of Wegman's. Had their cleaning staff picked up the tomato, my client would have got away. Instead, he suffered physical and emotional trauma. He is currently going to counseling with other people who were attacked by tomatoes."
This escapade has propmted FOX to air a new special "When Tomatoes Attack". It will air Satruday, Japril 34th.