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Conference report
Statistics & Trades
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Canadian Conference Report

LW	TW	Team	Pts	Last 10	Comments
1	1	Bearcats	66	5-4-1	Finnally stabilized the team, but don't get caught napping there is a black hole near by.
6	2	Abyss	63	6-3-1	On fire... On Fire..... On Fire.... On Fire.... On Fire  DID WE SAY ON FIRE?
4	3	Earthquake	60	4-4-2	Jagr is sputtering and so are the Quake, they are 3 games up on the Wolves and Canes so holding their breath is still the flavour of the day.
3	4	Wolverines	57	4-4-2	A bad slide caused the Wolves to slip, we don't think that will last long GM Banks is back in town watching closely.
2	5	Hurricanes	56	4-5-1	The Canes have been here before, but the recent 4 game loosing skid has the Fem Gm showing her nasty side. We hear trade talks coming.....
5	6	Sabercats	55	5-5-0	New GM, new New rink, New name, New results? Who knows, 5-5 in the last 10 is something they haven't seen for awhile. Jury's out at the moment
8	7	Humpbacked	51	5-3-2	Can't say cellar dweller, The Humps aren't as bad as people think, they may move up some more soon. But a replacement for Gretzky is needed in the worst way.
7	8	Arsenal	48	2-8-0	Keenan is gone, can the kids get something going? Bailey hasn't got the whip out yet. But 2-8-0 is real ugly.

American Conference Report

LW	TW	Team	Pts	Last 10	Comments
1	1	Royals	76	6-3-1	Big Al, says another shake up is coming, taking this team off of cruise control.
2	2	Storm	64	5-4-1	"Wanted" goalie who can pack a couple good games together so they can dethrone the Royals!
4	3	Hitmen	51	6-2-2	Lindros is honkin, the Hitmen start the annual playoff run, watch out! second is a possibility.
3	4	Lumberjack	46	4-5-1	Last issue this team was on fire, Hey! who called Smoky the bear!! Now just smouldering asses ;-).
6	5	War Pigs	44	3-7-0	This little piggy went up another position, Oh Oh, the playoffs are 2 points away can they do it?
7	6	VooDoo	40	5-5-0	The Voodo found some magic beans and planted them, crawled up on branch.. will it hold?
5	7	Bruins	38	5-5-0	Wanted a center to replace Nedved, wasn't the Bruins in third at one point?
8	8	Ice Dawgs	37	2-6-2	Some one buy this team a chemistry set! Not an untalented team, just can't play together.

Statistics analysis using xtrastats
 

The puck stops here Mr. Belfour continues to hold onto the top puck stopper for the second week in a row! Belfour has a 2.31 gaa and a 911 save %. Belfour is the core of the Bearcats, but watch out Eddy, cause the Tugnutt is on your tail posting a 2.36 gaa and a .904 s%.

Top Guns Jagr continues his strangle hold as the leagues top gunner as he has 100 points already and looks to set a new scoring record this year. He already also has 50 goals to his credit. Out of the blue and charging hard is Forsberg of the Lumberjack at 38 goals and 84 points. Watch it Jags the mayor of New Ross is on your tail! In the rookie side of the coin Hrdina of the Ice Dawgs is still leading the rookies despite all the flak flying in the Dawgs camp. Hrdina has 26 points to lead Hossa of the Wolverines by 4.

Are you tough enough Hitmen's Shayne Corson has yet to be dethroned as the top tough guy he continues to stay on top with 138 slug points. The tough guys have been laying low this season, but since the last issue we managed to get another fight chalked up! Sheldon Souray got a taste of rookie Sean Browns knuckles in a TKO decision. Young Brown is one spunky guy and the larger Souray found out the hard way.

Would the best defenceman please rise Second week in a row, Leetch of the Wolverines continues to hold onto the top spot. Leetch continues to be consistent putting the points up, he holds a slim 4 point lead on the Hot handed Bruin Ray Borque who comes in at 51 points.

Report on transactions since the Sept 10, by Columnist Don Cherry.

GM of the week goes to NO ONE! What how can that be?? Well with only one registered trade since the 23 of Aug all the GHL front office can say is WHIMPS! To Storm: McCabe To Hitmen: Bonk  McCabe is the higher rated player and certainly fills the hole left by Suter who is likely out for a long time. This deal will certainly secure the Storms chances of climbing the ladder for first overall. Bonk a decent player had a little farming help to at least make the trade look even, however he will have to have a good NHL season for the Hitmen to claim that the deal was even.

Goodbye Keenan, Hello Quinnville! GM Bailey of the Arsenal who has steadfastly refused to dismantle his team regardless of their performance has fired Iron Mike Keenan! Mr. Keenan who was reached for comment had this to say "Fine with me, the Arsenals still owe me for the rest of the season and quite frankly I am tired of baby-sitting a bunch of young and inexperienced kids!" Well he isn't far off as the Quake are the only team that can say they are younger at an average age of 25 they are .1 younger than the Arsenal at 25.1 Bailey responded by saying "Keenan can kiss my Arsenal" Quinville announced at the press conference that he was excited to take on the rebuilding project and made it clear that the year 2000 was going to be the break out season for them.. Well the next question is going to be who will, if anyone will pick up the often moved Keenan?

Abyss on Fire! The Abyss are certainly one of the leagues hottest teams right now..  They have climbed 4 places to come from 6th and now are sitting in second. GM Cox said the key piece was the recent acquisition of Jovocop to toughen up the "D". But the TGN claims something else has been developing in the Abyss game plan. We all know the Abyss had been charged earlier this year for illegally using unapproved manure on the farm team. Well, we had our spies go into the Abyss Arena and get the real scoop on their recent success. Goalie Arturs Irbe has been playing up a storm and its easy to see why. Recently Irbe had been sent to the farm and the special manure has caused a mutation. Look for yourself at the recent photo of Irbe at practice! He has doubled his weight and size since being pulled from the farm! Now he has grown a second head! How do you get a puck by that! It is rumoured that the Abyss are in shit from the GHL front office again!

Storm claim recent trade inactivity means yer all .......! In an recent interview the Storm's GM had these words  "No one seems to want to make a deal.  I've got Nedved and Draft Picks available cheap.  I've made some incredible offers with barely an acknowledgement in return let alone a counter offer of any sort.  I'm wondering if this league is running scared.  I haven't had an offer sent my way in weeks.  There are some good deals to be found out there for some GM's if they would let go of mommy's apron strings and get some balls." Well if that isn't a challenge we in the TGN don't know what is! Well just to prove the Storm can back it up here is a photo taken at a recent practice. Look at Fluery, he isn't holding any apron strings... but it is kinda hard to tell if has any balls!

GHL hires Swiss Lawyer Tom Eisenring to take over the Sabercats! The GHL are pleased to announce a new GM to the league. Mr Eisenring resides in Switzerland and was quoted as saying in a hastily called GHL press conference " I am very proud to be a GM in the GHL, we intend to move the team to Switzerland and that will also constitute a new name and logo. We think this league needs another European team and certainly our home town fans here are ecstatic!" Big Al commented "This guy has the brains and finical backing to get this team going moving, we should warn you folks to watch your deals with Mr. Eisenring considering his legal background, the fine print is a must to read!" Expect to hear more from the new GM soon.

SPCA charge Lumberjacks GM with animal abuse! The wood choppin, bark buzzin Gm of the Jacks has been depressed of late. After the Jacks landed Forsberg they went on a tear sawing down every team that crossed their paths. Lately things haven't gone well for them as Forsberg can't carry the team on his own and the Jacks are in a 6 game loosing streak. It was reported the GM John Walker went out to the local boot-leggers to drown his sorrows and, that he sure did! It is reported that after he got home he continued to drink it up and decided to share his sorrow with his pet cat "Curly". Well Curly had a little too much also and a neighbour found him the next morning frozen stiff, his little hairy paw raised, as it looks like he was trying to ring the door bell to get back in the house. In New Ross temperatures get below freezing on most nights. The neighbour was so distressed she called the SPCA, and after testing they indicated that curly was intoxicated subsequently charging John. John denies that he gave any liquor to Curly, but a photo we obtained from an inside source, suggests otherwise! Look at poor Curly, poor little bugger was hammered to the eyeballs!

GHL front office change, The Commish Ryan Barkhouse has resigned!  Greenwood N.S., In a surprise move our Commish has resigned, the TGN learned last night that Ryan called a meeting with Big Al and asked him to accept his resignation and take over the league Commissioners duties. When asked by the TGN the reasons for the unexpected decision Ryan commented "I am just too busy with my social life right now, Big Al just has a job to worry about , so more work in the GHL is no big deal for him." Naturally the damn fool Big Al accepted the job. Well what does that mean to the league? Big Al announced that there will be changes coming in both the front office and league operations. Rachel Barkhouse has been named the leagues new secretary and Ryan will assume a role as league advisor. The league is now seeking applications for a new Co-Commish, send all resumes to his email addy.  The TGN has heard rumours that Big Al may be giving up the Royals franchise in order to focus on league operations.

Ice Dawgs back in the basement, Pocklington give GM. Kemp an Ultimatum. "Put up or you are out!" Pocklington was heard screaming in his posh Edmonton office. On the other end of the one sided conversation was the Jet setting GM Blaine Kemp taking it all in. "You couldn't manage your way out of a paper bag" quipped Pocks as he continued his verbal assault. "All I see is someone's ass ahead of us all the time, I have sunk hundreds of dollars in the flea bag franchise and you have nothing to show for it. The Dawgs better be out of the basement by next issue or you are history." It appears that the long relationship is about to end, Pocks and Kemp have had many  a battle over the years but this time Pocks is standing his ground. Blaine was asked to comment outside the local doctors office where he was getting his annual shot for "lets just say communicable diseases", "Friggin dickwad, I don't plan to leave this team, I have a contract like Phil Esposito and I have staying power. We will see who gets the axe, what the old bugger don't know is that I am seeing his missus on the side and we know who really wears the pants!" Oh Oh this is going to get nasty, as the TGN found out that it is possible that Pock's wife may be filing for a divorce and claiming the team as part of the settlement. This is going to get nasty folks, New commish Big Al has asked Blaine and Pocks to keep the mud slinging down or he will solve the problem by booting them both out. Lets see Pocks, Blaine, Mrs. Pocks and now Big Al... we would say that is a "menage a quatre". Lets see who comes out on top! ;-)

Bearcats GM gets married!  Dean Belange of the Bearcats has became the next GM to find a permanent place to hang his skates. The GHL Front office sent the hard working GM a telegram congratulating him and his bride on their special day with wishes for a happy future. Ryan went to the reception representing the GHL Front office and secretly met with Dean outside where he handed him a special gift. It was a compilation of all the possible excuses that can be used to get more time to GM your team on the internet and keep your better half happy. This work has been compiled by Big Al over the years as he collects this stuff from GM's as they confide in him. Dean was grateful for the gift and the night went well until Hitmen GM Steve Berrigan fell onto the cake while making a leaping dive trying to catch Mrs.Belange's garter! A couple of other league members were in attendance, Keith Greinke (best man), Will Cox (Abyss) friend of the D.J., Siman Zsolt (Bruins GM) who has rented his resort on the French Riviera to the newly weds, Jess Moreau (Mrs Belange's makeup girl) and Nick Lidstrom! What the heck was he doing there? One of the waiters indicated that Lidstrom is related to Dean's new wife and it is possible he may be asking the Royals for a trade.

PLAYER OF THE WEEK:
PETER FORSBERG 35 points since last issue!

The Lumberjacks slide and slide, but Forsberg is quitting yet, netting one pile of points since last issue. Considered to be the best center in hockey as he goes, the Ave's go. A brilliant passer and is strong on his feet and tough to knock off the puck. Forsberg has excellent vision on the ice and can find the seems as good as the best. He does have a tendency to over pass the puck. Forsberg had off season shoulder surgery so his 99-00 start may be delayed a month ot two. But we don't think the Jacks will worry about that, certainly the New Ross county fans don't care.

Until next week keep your stick on the ICE!