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Simpsons Quotes. From the most quotable and sarcastic show in the history of television. Impress your friends! Fun for all ages! Special mad props to Stefi whose brain is almost as sick and twisted as mine and remembered a bunch of these.
George Bush: I'll ruin you like a Japanese banquet! I'll take your head and...Gorbachev! Heh, what are you doing here?
Mikhail: I just dropped by with present for warming of house. Instead, find you grappling with local oaf.
Homer: Oh, brought some of your commie friends to help you fight dirty, eh?
Lisa (to Bart): I'm suprised you could write so legibly on your own butt.
Homer: It's about time I told you about a chapter of my life that I had hoped would be closed forever. I was on my way to the Harrisburg coat outlet to buy an irregular coat. [grimly] But it required a stop over in New York City. (Flashback of young Homer being robbed and chased by Huggy-bear type pimps)and that's when the CHUDs came at us.
Homer (genius-smart): "hmmm, i'm detecting a distinct note of anti-intellectualism in this bar..."
*homer gets smacked in the head with a 2 x 4*
Moe: "power off, einstein!"
*Robert Goulet performs at Bart's Casino* Jingle Bells, Batman Smells, Robin laid an egg, Batmobile lost its wheel, The Joker got away, hey! Thank you, thank you very much. *hits Milhouse in the face with the microphone* Oh, I'm sorry, kid...
Homer (pointing at Stephen Hawking, sitting in his wheelchair): Hey! Larry Flint is right!!
Marge: I can't believe it. I've done all my housework, and it's only 9:30. [looses her smile] Well, better go upstairs and make sure the beds are still made.
Ned (to Homer): Homer, did you take my air conditioner? *big trail of destruction and air unit stuck to Homer's wall*
Homer: Go to hell, Flanders...
Kent Brockman (on TV): It's Saint Patrick's Day, where everyone's a little Irish, except the gays and the Italians!
Homer: Jump, free Willy, jump!!!! jump with all your might!!!! (sobbing)
Bart: Hey Homer, I can't find the safety goggles for the power saw.
Homer: If stuff starts flying, just turn your head!
Bart: Oh. Check.
TV: The compound fracture, truly one of football's greatest injuries.
Marge: Homer, could you turn off the TV? There's a little test I want you to take.
TV: [crunch] Augh!
Homer; Oh, great, you made me miss Joe Theismann!
Burns: Thank you so much for visiting our plant, Dr.Kissinger.
Henry: It was fun.
Smithers: We'll let you know if your glasses turn up.
Henry: Er, yes, well, I'm sure I left them in the car. [sotto voce] No one must know I dropped them in the toilet; not I, the man who drafted the Paris Peace Accord.
Homer: I got a job at Burns' casino. As you know, it's been my lifelong dream to become a blackjack dealer.
Marge: Your lifelong dream was to be a contestant on "The Gong Show", and you did it in 1977, remember?
*Flashback to Homer and Barney playing a giant harmonica, wearing a pair of two-man large overalls, getting gonged and booed*
Homer: We got more gongs than the break-dancing robot that caught on fire.
Marge (to Homer): Are you flushing those springs down the toilet?
Homer: *laughs* of course not, Marge! *sings* Nine hundred and ninety-nine springs to flush down, nine hundred and ninety nine sprinnnnnnnngs...
Homer: Mr. Scorpio says productivity is up two percent, and it's all because of my motivational techniques. Like, donuts. And a possibility of more donuts to come.
Homer (to family): "the edges are razor sharp, to protect our country."
Bart *pokes his finger on the edge* OW!
Homer: "God bless America!!!"
George Bush: [indignant] You know, in my day, little boys didn't call their elders by their first name.
Bart: Yeah? Well, welcome to the 20th century, George.
Homer: *building bar-b-q* Oh no, the English side is ruined, I only have French instructions.. Le Grill?!? what the hell is THAT??
Krusty (to comedy audience): So these 2 guys in suits walked up to me yesterday, and tried to pay me to endorse their product...
Audience: What did you do? Did you tell them to get lost? What happened?
Homer: Don't you hate pants?!?
[Homer looking for a peanut he dropped] [Homer] Aww, just a $20 bill [Homer's Brain] No, $20 is better than a peanut [Homer] Explain How [Homers Brain] Money can be exchanged for goods and services [Homer] Woohoo!
Bart: why are you here?
Kid in class: I'm from Caaaaaanaaaadaaaaa...and they think I'm slooooooow eh...
2nd kid in class *proudly* : I start fires!
Lisa: There's nothing to eat for breakfast.
Homer: You gotta improvise, Lisa...cloves, Tom Collins mix, frozen pie crust...
Lisa: Maybe mom just doesn't realize we missed her. We could go down to the casino and let her know...
Homer: Oh, come on, Lisa, there's no reason to...*takes a bite* let's go see Mom.
Hank: Good afternoon, gentlemen. This is Scorpio. I have the Doomsday Device. You have 72 hours to deliver the gold or you'll face the consequences. And to prove I'm not bluffing, watch this. [activates a remote, an explosion occurs near the UN building]
Man 1: Oh, my God, the 59th Street bridge!
Man 2: Maybe it just collapsed on its own.
Man 1: We can't take that chance.
Man 2: You always say that. I want to take a chance.
[apu] can i help you? [homer] im looking for something in an after dinner burrito.
(new police chief) look, it's not up to us to decide which laws we obey. if it was, i'd kill every one of you that looked at me crosseyed.
Homer (to Lisa): Oh you and your stories. Bart's a vampire. Beer kills brain cells. Now let's go...to that...place...where our...beds and tv...is
Marge: Homer you didn't answer me.
Homer: Ba
Marge: You aren't even using real words!
Homer: Sna
Homer (mocking the Flintstones song): Yabba Dabba Doo! (slides through his driver's side window) simpson, homer simpson, hes the greatest guy in history, from the town of springfield, hes about to hit a chestnutt tree, ahhhhhhh! (crash)
[Witness protection officer] Now, Mr. Simpson, when I say "hello Mr. Thompson, and push down on your foot, you reply "hello" Officer: Hello, Mr. Thompson (pushes down) Homer: (whispering to other guy):I think he's talking to you...
Hank: By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country: Italy or France?
Homer: France.
Hank: [chuckles] Nobody ever says Italy. [sets the coordinates of a giant laser gun]
[screen] to get started, press any key.
[homer] any key, any key, i dont see an any key....i see ctrl (pronounced ca-torl). man, im thirsty, i think ill order a tab (presses the tab key and holds a cup up to the disc drive) ooh! no time for that now, the computer started...
Homer (singing): You put the beer in the co-co-nut, and throw the can away...(hits Ned Flanders in the head)
Flanders: Ho-mer!
Homer: I say you throw the can away...(hits Ned again)
Ned: I said Ho-mer!
George Harrison (to Homer at the Grammy awards party): Hi Homer, I'm George Harrison.
Homer: Oh my God! Where did you get that brownie?!?
George: They're on that table.
*Homer starts gobbling brownies* George: What a nice fellow.
Apu: [singing along badly]
The Dream Police, they live inside of my bed,
The Dream Police, they come to me in my head,
The Dream Police, they're going to direct me now,
Howdy, neighbors! May I spray you with the hose in a playful fashion?
Homer: Uh...spray the boy. *Apu sprays Bart directly in the face*
Nerd kid (to Homer): In episode 2f04, Itchy plays Scratchy's ribs like a xylophone. He hits the same rib twice, but it distinctly makes two different sounds. Are we to believe this is some sort of (snort) "magic xylophone?"
Homer: I'll field this one. Why would an individual such as yourself who wears a t-shirt that says "Genius at Work" be watching a children's cartoon?
Nerd *hanging his head* I withdraw my question.
Bart (to Krusty): Krusty, this camp was a nightmare! They made us eat gruel, they forced us to make wallets for export, and one of the campers was eaten by a bear!
Krusty: OH MY GODDDDD!!!! *sobs*
Bart: Well actually, the bear just ate his hat.
Krusty: Was it a nice hat?
Bart: Ohhhh, yeah.
Krusty: OH MY GODDDDD!!!! *sobs*
Moe (to waiter at restaurant): Bring us your best food stuffed with your second best.
Waiter: Lobsters stuffed with tacos, yes sir!
Hank Scoprio (to Homer): Don't think of me as your boss. Sure, I get to come in later, take longer vacations, and make more money, but I hate the word "boss".
Mark Hamill (singing at a Dinner Theater): Luke, be a Jedi tonight...
Homer (on telephone to the President): I figured if anybody knew where to get some Tang, it'd be youuuuu. (pause while other end of line is talking) SHUT UP!!!
NASA head guy (after Barney crashes a jet-pack): Well Homer, looks like you win by default.
Homer: Default! The two sweetest words in the English language! DE FAULT! DE FAULT!
*NASA assistant knocks Homer unconscious with a blunt object*
Homer (to Lisa): You've got to take all your rage, and pack it way down deep and release it at the appropriate time. Like when daddy hit the referee with the liquor bottle...
Homer: [reading] "Project Arcturus couldn't have succeeded without you. This will get you a little closer to that dream of yours. It's not the Dallas Cowboys, but it's a start. Drop me a line if you're on the East Coast, Hank Scorpio."[a whole football team is on his lawn] Aw, the Denver Broncos!
Marge: I think owning the Denver Broncos is pretty good. [a player tries to catch the ball, but it hits him in the back
of the helmet]
Homer: Yeah, yeah.
Marge: Well, explain to me why it isn't.[another player tries to catch, but hits the ball with his head]
Homer: [sighs] You just don't understand football, Marge.
*scott's note: this was made when the broncos really, really sucked. since then, they did win back to back super bowls*
Homer (to football): Now I have four children...I will call you Stitchface.
Homer (at candy convention): See you in Hell, candy boys!
*Homer puts Pop Rocks into a can of soda, throws it and runs. Then candy convention blows up*
Bart and Lisa: But dad, you're always making us apologize!
Homer: Yeah but I'm always secretly disappointed when you do.
Homer *riding downhill on book cart* Must kill Moe...wheeeeeeeeeee!!! Must kill Moe...wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
Homer (to Bart): Women are like refrigerators. About six feet tall...300 pounds...they, um, make ice...
Bart (in Schwartzenegger accent to psycho robot Itchy): Hey mouse...say cheese! *clicks flash on camera and kills robot* With a sly with like that, I could be an action hero.
Homer (to other psycho robot Itchy): Die! Die you robots, die! *clicks flash on camera and kills other robot* With a sly wit like that, I could be an action hero.
Marge: There's a family of possums living in this locker!
Homer: I call the big one "bitey"
[Homer] i'll have 4 taxburgers, an irs-wich - withold the lettuce....(yelling) marge...what were your gambling losses last year?
Marge (yelling back) 600 dollars!
Mr Sparkle (a japanese commercial the simpsons watch): I'm disrespectful to dirt! Can you see that I am serious? Get out of my way, all of you! This is no place for loafers. Join me or die. Can you do any less?
Marge: But I fell in love with Homer Simpson! I don't want to snuggle with "Max Power"!
Homer: Nobody snuggles with Max Power. You strap yourself in and feel the "G"s!
Marge: Oh, Lord.
Homer: And it doesn't stop in the bedroom. Oh, no. I'm taking charge! Kids, there's three ways to do things. The right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way!
Bart: Isn't that the wrong way?
Homer: Yeah, but faster!
Homer: *Singing* Max Power, he's the man who's name you'd love to touch! But you mustn't touch! His name sounds good in your ear, but when you say it, you mustn't fear! 'Cause his name can be said by anyone!
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