Howardette John
Howardette John is a sports columnist for New York Nosy Newsday. This week she files from Sydney, Australia.  Authenticity is in doubt and any similarity to those real or imagined is just a coincidence.

Posted:  Wednesday, Sept. 20, 2000, at 10:00 a.m. PT or some time after.

SYDNEY, Australia�When you think of Olympic athletes there are some things you assume. Like they will be in shape, they will have a degree of competence in their sport. But I'm here to tell you that's not necessarily so. Anyone can be an Olympian�or at least almost anyone from EM Forrestal Site Support. And as soon as I finish writing this, I'm looking into getting asylum. Four years from now when I get on the medal podium, I'll dab away my tears and thank Eric Gardner.

You know that Olympic motto "higher, faster, stronger"? Gardner's battle cry for his 100-meter freestyle preliminary race on Tuesday could've been, "RE-IMAGE HOW HOW MANY WORKSTATIONS?!?"

When Gardner and the two other men in the heat were about to go off Tuesday in the first race of the day, Gardner distinguished himself as special right away: He was the only one who didn't false start and get disqualified, and did not fall from the platform even while carrying a PictureTel equipped workstation and his pager. Which also meant he now had to swim the race alone.  He carried the PictureTel workstation so he could relay the race back to his teammates.

This is an Olympic event, so who knew a lifeguard would almost have to be summoned?

Gardner thrashed. He flailed. His arms spun like a lawn whirlybird, his legs floated limply behind him, and he was paged with an urgent request by the Helpdesk.

Yet, as he crawled, Gardner determinedly kept going all the while trying to close a high priority APPLIX ticket and before long-it was the most remarkable thing-the near-capacity crowd in the 17,000-seat Aquatic Centre became transfixed. The fans started pulling for him just as loudly as they have for the raft of world-record setters who have torn through the pool each night.

On the pool deck, by the televisions in the media workroom, in the offices in the bowels of the stadium, people stopped what they were doing now and started smiling at the sight of Gardner's lone figure painstakingly crawling his way down the pool. And the harder Gardner began to struggle, the more the cheering swelled.

Try as he might, he could not close that APPLIX ticket during the race, and about 10 meters from the end, he virtually came to a stop, then started a modified doggy paddle while trying to hold on to the PitureTel workstation and stay afloat.

But at long last, one minute and 52.72 seconds after he dove in, Gardner touched the wall, then held on with all his might. He looked exhausted. To give you a frame of reference, his time for the two-lap race was more than a minute slower than the top qualifier for Wednesday's final, Pieter van den Hoogenband of the Netherlands. No matter. When Gardner finally pulled himself out of the water he got�guess what!�a rousing standing ovation.

"Can Greg close the ticket," Gardner exclaimed.

(Which sounded rather grand, I thought, so I made a Post-It note to myself to remember that when I'm an Olympian.)

"It was their cheering that kept me going," Gardner said. "This was the most important moment of my life, to be the first person from Site Support to swim the 100 meters.

"I'm going to call my mother, then dance, jump, and record this in the APPLIX diary note."

And so, dear readers, remember all that and think of me should you happen to be in Athens for the 2004 Games when I'm proudly wearing the colors of EM Forrestal Site Support. EM Forrestal Site Support has been training only since last Friday's lunch at Roma's.  I am looking for ward to their entry in the 4x100 relay � Nick Vagianos, Delaneo Miller, Dominic Chukwu, and Art Narro (Narro a late replacement for the injured Garry Clark).  When asked about their chances, Coach Greg Storat responded, "I promised beer to each member that does not drown � In any case they still need to close their tickets, I have a report to get out."

(Me, personally? I'd find it scarier to get to the Olympics and have to wear a bathing suit in front of everybody.)

To be an Olympian, you've gotta want it bad.

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The above was in fun based on a true story filed by Johnette Howard.