Never hit a man with glasses...Hit him with something bigger and heavier...make him bleed from it!

Sticks and stones, may break my bones - But chairs and teddy bears excite me

Insanity takes its toll. please have exact change

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every bit of it.

Emergency Numbers: Police station, Fire Department and Places that deliver.

I AM in shape. Round is a shape.

Practice safe eating, always use condiments.

I do weight-lifting every morning - Getting out of bed!

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Just think, in a few million years Barney will be motor oil.

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

All my life I wanted to be something....should have been more specific.

I just bought some powdered water...What do I add?

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

Do I look like a f**king people person?

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work.  They pretend to pay me.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

I have a computer, cable TV, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the asylum?

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep  inside the earth.

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong? 

And just how may I screw you over today?

Sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Page yourself over intercoms. (Don't disguise your voice.)

Every time someone asks you for something, ask if they want fries with that.

When ordering chicken in a restaurant, ask if it is male chicken or female chicken.
 

Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN.' 

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks.  Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

Adjust the tint on your computer monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area.  Insist to others that you like it that way.

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

Ask people what sex they are.

Continually -- Specify that your drive through order is "to go." Make sure they know you are serious!

Sing along at the opera.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does.  (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

SOME SILLY LAWS

CALIFORNIA:
It is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license. 
Women may not drive in a house coat.

FLORIDA:
It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a
swimsuit. 
Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

OHIO: 
Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public. 
It is illegal to get a fish drunk.

KANSAS: 
Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail
lights. 
No one may catch fish with his bare hands.

OKLAHOMA:
Violators can be arrested and/or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog. 
State law prohibits anyone taking a bite out of another's
hamburger.

ALABAMA:
It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church. 
Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.  Really.

NEW YORK:
It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun. 
The penalty for jumping off a building is death.

NEW JERSEY:
You cannot pump your own gas.  All gas stations are full
service only. 
In Ocean City, it is against the law to slurp your soup at a restaurant.

WISCONSIN:
In Racine, it is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep. 
Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons.

VIRGINIA: 
It is illegal to sell peanut brittle on Sundays. 
Flipping a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for coffee is outlawed.

TEXAS:
It is illegal have more than three sips of beer at a time while standing. 
It is illegal for person to go barefoot without first obtaining a permit.

ILLINOIS:
It is against the law to use a slingshot unless you are a
police officer. 
Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.

IOWA:
Public kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes. 
One armed piano players must perform for free.

WASHINGTON:
It is illegal to paint polka dots on the American flag.
People may not buy a mattress on Sunday.

MASSACHUSETTS:
Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches. 
It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath.

ARIZONA:
It is illegal to hunt camels within the state borders. 
In Tucson, women may not wear pants.