Internet, Computers, etc.
Take
the Net Addict's Reality Test. (Joke of the Day)
Have you been spending more and more time using the Internet?
Have your cheeks taken on that pasty white glow from
over-exposure to your computer monitor? How do you know if you're
addicted to the Net and losing touch with reality? Take the Net Addict's
Reality Test.
Answer the following multiple choice questions and check out your score to see if you should be concerned:
1. What do you think are good names
for children?
a) Scott and
Jenny.
b) Bill Gates
IV.
c) Mozilla
and Dotcom.
2. What's a telephone?
a) A thing
with a round dial you use to talk to others.
b) A telecommunications
device with 12 keys.
c) Something
you plug into a modem.
3. Which punctuation is most correct?
a) I had a
wonderful day!
b) I had a
**wonderful** day!!!
c) I had a
wonderful day :-)
4. You wake up at 4:00 a.m. and
decide to:
a) Visit the
washroom.
b) Raid the
fridge.
c) Check your
E-mail.
5. What are RAM and ROM?
a) A male
sheep and a city in Italy.
b) Hulking
stars of the WWF.
c) I need
more of the former and should upgrade the latter.
6. To avoid a virus you should:
a) Stay away
from people who sneeze and cough.
b) Never read
E-mail titled "Good Times".
c) Use virus
scanning software every time you boot up.
7. When you want to buy something
hard-to-find you:
a) Ask friends
where to purchase it.
b) Check out
the Yellow Pages.
c) Go to Yahoo!
8. When you don't understand how
to use a new appliance you:
a) Call the
retailer.
b) Call the
manufacturer's toll-free number.
c) Visit the
manufacturer's Web site and look for the FAQ.
9. When you want to see all the
beautiful people you:
a) Visit a
club on a Saturday night.
b) Turn on
the TV and tune in to Baywatch.
c) Check out
the alt.binary newsgroups.
10. How do you introduce yourself at a party?
a) Hi, I'm
Jane!
b) Hi, I'm
a Taurus on the cusp.
c) Hi, I'm
a 5'10" hot blonde with a super bod.
11. When you're interested in someone at a
party you say:
a) Tell me
more about yourself.
b) What's
your star sign?
c) What's
your Profile?
12. If you really like the person, you
say:
a) Could you
tell me your phone number?
b) What's
your E-mail address?
c) Let's chat
Private.
13. When I say spam, you think:
a) Ham in
a can.
b) Unsolicited
advertising E-mail.
c) I mailbomb
all spammers!
14. When you receive an AOL trial diskette,
you say:
a) I don't
need another mug coaster.
b) Great!
I'll reformat and use it for backups.
c) Great!
I'll sign up under a fake ID and use up the 50 hours.
15. When you want to research a reference
you:
a) Open up
a volume of your encyclopedia.
b) Slip Encarta
in your CD-ROM drive.
c) Go to www.altavista.digital.com.
16. When you write a letter you:
a) Put pencil
to paper.
b) Open Eudora.
c) Ask: What's
a letter? Is it like E-mail?
17. Different types of text formatting
include:
a) Writing
and printing.
b) Underline
and double-strike.
c) Bold and
italic.
18. You correct errors using:
a) An eraser.
b) White-out.
c) Backspace
or delete.
19. You sign your name:
a) Best regards,
John Smith.
b) See you
in IRC, John_Smith.
c) Check out
my home page for the cool links, [email protected].
20. To keep a copy of your letter you:
a) Insert
a carbon and a second sheet.
b) Take it
to the photocopier.
c) Check your
Sent Mail folder.
SCORING: Give yourself zero points for each "a" response, five for each "b" and 10 for each "c".
If you scored 150 or higher, unplug your computer and
log more hours in real life.
If you scored between 50 and 145, you're living a good
mix of Net and reality.
If you scored under 50, you probably didn't read this
far.
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Hollywood Computers
(Joke of the Day)
Ever notice computers as depicted in movies? You
computer guru's will know what I'm talking about... not sure about everyone
else...
Here are some things to watch for...
Word processors never display a cursor.
You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
All monitors display inch-high letters.
High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA,
or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand
graphical interfaces. Those that don't have incredibly
powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and
execute commands typed in plain English. Corollary: You
can gain access to any information you want by simply typing
"ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply
typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see "Fortress" or "Independence
Day").
All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever
the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output
on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can
read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix
printer.
All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash
pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a
bright
flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion
that forces you backwards.
People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see "Demolition Man" and countless others).
Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data
will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually
appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes
per second.
When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable
by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by
all computer platforms. The more high-tech the equipment,
the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been
highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.
Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, active animation, photo-realistic graphics capability.
Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have
amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY
Supercomputer.
Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright
that it projects itself onto his/her face (see "Alien", "2001").
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