Change of Faith (PEAKS::RICHARD"@clevel.cxo.dec.com)
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned
out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the
faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate
him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian.
Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like
you I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University,
cost me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become
a Christian."
"What did you do?" asked the Lawyer.
"I turned to God for the answer," replied the Rabbi.
"And what did he say?" pressed the Lawyer.
"God said, 'Funny you should come to me...' "
Golfing in Ireland
(Joke of the Day)
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets
up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately,
it goes
into the woods on the side of the fairway.
He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little
guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside
him.
"Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the
poor little guy.
Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill" he replied.
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?"
Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?"
The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
Old Nun Joke (Joke
of the Day)
Three nuns who had recently died where on their way to
heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the
gates there was a collection of lights and bells.
St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each
have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly
gates.
St. Paul: "What were the names of the two people in the
garden of Eden?"
1st nun : "Adam and Eve"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through
the pearly gates.
St. Paul: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?"
2nd nun : "An apple"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through
the pearly gates.
And finally it came the turn of the last nun.
St. Paul : "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam
?"
After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a
hard one!"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through
the pearly gates!
Sherlock Holmes (Joke of
the Day)
Sherlock Holmes stood at the gates of Heaven pulling
at his pipe awaiting his turn. "I'll let you in", said St. Peter, "if you'll
tell me who among these was the first mortal". "That's elementary, my dear
St. Peter", said the great detective, "He's the one without a bellybutton".
Religious Bumper Sticker (Susan Watkins)
The other day I went to the local religious book store,
where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it
and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really
glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just
lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed.
That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people
who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must
REALLY love the lord because pretty soon, he leaned out
his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!!" as loud as he could. It was like
a
football game with him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST, GO!!!"
Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed,
looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian
good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave
him the good luck sign back.
Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out
of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it
sounded like, "Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was
from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord. A couple of the people
were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they
got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to
pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and stepped on
the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across
the intersection. I looked back at them standing there.
I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign, as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.
Faster than a Nun (Joke
of the Day)
A cop pulls over a car load of nuns....
Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are
you going so slow?"
Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."
Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's
the name of the highway you're on!
Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know.
I'll be more careful.
At this point the cop looks in the back seat where the
other nuns are shaking and trembling.
Cop: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends
back there? They're shaking something terrible."
Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."
Naughty Boys ( Mr. Pip)
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were
excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble
and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their
town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at
their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.
The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman.
The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!"
The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8 year old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"
The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"
The Secret Service
(source unknown)
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one
day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake
hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of
the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord,
Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at
Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
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