Miscellaneous
Four Fathers (Joke of
the Day)
Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting
room, while their wives were in labor.
The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations, You're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence" the man exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."
"Wow, what a coincidence" he replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation."
When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.
"Another coincidence I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask what's wrong.
"What's wrong? I work for Seven-Up."
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The Farmer's Accident
(Joke of the Day)
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were
serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident)
to court.
In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning
farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'"
said
the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you
what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted,
"just answer the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the
accident, you
were fine?"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying
to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now
several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client."
I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer
Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say
about his
favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me."
He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot
her. -how are you feeling?"
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The Golden Throne (Joke of the
Day)
This missionary got sent to evangelize among the Fuzzie
Wuzzies on Bongo Bongo but was having little success. He approached
the King of the Fuzzie Wuzzies to see what would be necessary to engender
his cooperation. The King had seen pictures of European kings and
queens sitting on thrones, and he told the missionary that he would have
the entire tribe convert if only he could have a golden throne. The
missionary wrote home to the Home Mission Board to tell them of this marvelous
opportunity; could they please send him a golden throne? So they
sent him one (okay, it wasn't solid gold, but the King liked it a lot),
and the whole tribe converted and the missionary was a big success.
In his later years, however, the King of the Fuzzie Wuzzies
got kind of arthritic and decided that sitting on his hard old golden throne
was
exacerbating his aches and pains, so he stashed the throne
up in the attic of his little grass shack. Sure enough, one day the
throne came crashing through the ceiling and squashed the old King of the
Fuzzie Wuzzies. Which only goes to show that people who live in grass houses
shouldn't stow thrones.
Maintenance Crews Talk Back (Tom Schuneman <[email protected]>)
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal
seepage."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main
landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."
Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces
a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to
stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
Traffic Jam in LA (Joke
of the Day)
A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in LA
and he's stopped in traffic and thinks, "wow, this traffic seems worse
than
usual, we're not even moving."
He notices a police officer walking down the highway in
between the cars and he rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me officer,
what's the hold up."
"O.J. just found out the verdict, he's all depressed.
He's lying down in the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse
himself
in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just
doesn't have millions of dollars for the Goldmans. I'm walking around
taking up a
collection for him."
The man says,"oh really, how much have you got so far."
"So far....ten gallons."
Proof Required (Joke
of the Day)
A man shopping in a supermarket brought his purchase
of two cans of dog food to the checkout counter. The
cashier asked, "Sir, do you have a dog?"
"Yes." replied the man.
"Well, where is it?" asked the cashier.
"I left him home." he answered.
"Sorry," the cashier said, "You can't buy the dog food if I can't see the dog. That's the rules."
The next day he returned to the store and brought some cat food to the checkout. "Do you have a cat?" asked the cashier. "Yes," he said, "but I left him home."
"Sorry," she said, "If I can't see the cat, I can't sell you the food. That's the rules."
The next day the man walked into the store with a brown paper bag. He walked up to the cashier and said, "Here. Put your hand in here."
The cashier put her hand in and said, "It's soft and warm. What is it?"
The man replied, "I'd like three rolls of toilet paper!"
Blind Golfers (Joke
of the Day)
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one
morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.
Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?
George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters.
They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let
them
play here anytime free of charge!
(silence)
Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
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The Cannibals' Canoe
(Joke of the Day)
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured
by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is
that
now we've caught you and we're going to kill you.
We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use
your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose
how to die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The
chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says,
"God save
the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is
puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes
the fork and
starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides,
the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's
horrible. The
chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"
And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!
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Rejected State
Mottos (Joke of the Day)
For those of you not in the United States, please use
this as a vague guide when preparing your vacation
to our country.
ALABAMA:
Literacy ain't everything
Ya want fries with dat?
ALASKA: Come, freeze your butt off
ARIZONA: Winter home to 150,000 snowbirds
ARKANSAS: At least we're not Mississippi
CALIFORNIA: The Granola
State
Nobody's actually from here
Fast reloading lanes available
The really long state
COLORADO: Too
wimpy to cross the mountains so we stopped here
Official home of the winter ski bunny
CONNECTICUT: Way too close to New York
DELAWARE : You'll
need a map to find us
So close to Washington you can smell it
FLORIDA:
The Gunshine State
Elephant Graveyard; where the old Republicans go to die
Senior citizen discounts available
Come, enjoy the humidity
The snow capital of the US
GEORGIA:
Home of the Rednecks
Gateway to Florida
Confederate money welcome
HAWAII:
Sure, we've got Interstates... drive on over
Book 'em Danno
Tom Sellek, Jack Lord, Don Ho - Paradise!
Come, get lai-ed
IDAHO:
Ain't nothing here
We don't care if you spell potato with an "e"
Land of a billion "eyes"
ILLINOIS:
Land of the voting dead
Gateway to Iowa
INDIANA: Home of David Letterman
IOWA:
Just east of Omaha
It's easy to spell
KANSAS:
Hayfever capital of the Midwest
Dole slept here
There's no place like home
Ya want flat, we got flat
KENTUCKY: Tobacco
is a vegetable
We're all related
Gateway to Nashville
LOUISIANA:
Swim the beautiful Bayou
Cancer Alley's just a name, and names will never hurt
you
MAINE:
For Sale
You can spit on Canada from here
MARYLAND: If it weren't for Washington, you couldn't find us
MASSACHUSETTS: Home of the young girls from Nantucket, also the home of Ted Kennedy, hmmmm...
MICHIGAN: Land of the free, home of the Buick
MINNESOTA: Not
Sweden, but we try to act like it
Sure beats Canada
Land of 10,000 Flakes
MISSISSIPPI:
We're lucky we can spell it
Why would you want to come here?
MISSOURI:
Gateway to Kansas
Here's mine, Show Me yours
We're better than Illinois
MONTANA:
Land of the Big Sky, and very little else
We've got lots of 10'x10' shacks in the woods
It's where you're wanted.
At least our cows are sane.
NEBRASKA:
More corn than Kansas
Go to Kansas, turn north
NEVADA:
More weirdos than Alaska (warmer too)
2 words - Death Valley
3:5 you'll leave broke
We have our own nuclear testing site
NEW HAMPSHIRE: Like Old
Hampshire, only newer
About as exciting as Vermont
NEW JERSEY: You have the
right to remain silent,
You have the right to an attorney...
Tell 'em Guido sent ya
NEW MEXICO: Lizards make excellent
pets
We have reservations
Alien Welcome Center - Roswell
NEW YORK:
At least we're not New Jersey!
We're more than a big city; we're a state
Like we CARE about a motto
English spoken here; sometimes
NORTH CAROLINA: Five million people;
Fifteen last names
We're bigger than South Carolina
NORTH DAKOTA: The OTHER South Dakota
OHIO:
Don't judge us by Cleveland
Proud polluters of Lake Erie
We're easy to spell
OKLAHOMA:
We're OK, you're NOT!
I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto
OREGON:
As pretty as California but not as weird
We're not named after a musical instrument
You can see the sunset from here
PENNSYLVANIA: Cook with coal
Free lube job with oil change
RHODE ISLAND: Size ain't everything
Nobody famous came from Rhode Island
SOUTH CAROLINA: Just south of North Carolina
SOUTH DAKOTA: Closer than North Dakota
TENNESSEE:
The Educashun State
Thank goodness we've still got Elvis
A great fixer-upper
TEXAS:
Si Hablo Ingles
See, EVERYTHING is bigger in Texas!
UTAH:
Our Jesus is better than your Jesus
At least our sheep can't talk
VERMONT: Bet ya can't name 2 of our towns
VIRGINIA: Please don't confuse us with West Virginia!
WASHINGTON: We like our state, so STAY OUT!
WEST VIRGINIA: Where "family values" has a different meaning
WISCONSIN:
Land of funny accents.
Say "Cheeeese"
WYOMING: Where men are lonely and sheep are scared
Movie Theater Drama
(Joke of the Day)
This one was contributed by Andy Anderson, Brantwood,
WI USA:
This one guy was at a theater and he was sprawled out
over 3 seats. The usher came by and told the guy to move. The guy
mumbled but didn't answer. He went and got the manager. The
manager said to the man, "Sir, if you don't move, I'll call the police
to have
you removed." The guy mumbled, but didn't answer.
So the manager called the police and a cop came over.
The cop said to the man, "Hey mister. What's your name?"
The man said,"Pete." The cop asked,"Where ya from, Pete?"
He said, "The balcony."
Bungie Jumping (Carlos Alejandro Dugarte Clapés)
Zeke and Zeb decided to build a Bungie Jumping tower in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico to see if it would make them some money. After they got it set up, they noticed that the crowds gathered around but nobody was buying tickets.
Zeke said to Zeb, "Maybe you should demonstrate it to them so they get the idea."
After Zeb was strapped on he jumped and fell almost to
the ground before springing back. As he came back up Zeke noticed
that his
clothes were torn and wondered what that was all about.
Zeb went down again and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that
he was bleeding.
Zeke thought, "Wow, what's going on here."
Zeb went down a third time and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body.
Zeke pulled Zeb in and said, "Zeb, what happened?"
Zeb groaned, "I don't know, but what's a piñata??"
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