The Top 10 Reasons For Being
Fired From Toys 'R' Us
10. A little too much joie de vivre while demonstrating
the erector set, if you know what I mean.
9. You got caught adding a garage to
your house using embezzled Lego bricks
8. Numerous parental complaints about
your "Tickle Me Carl The Stockboy" display.
7. Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie
dolls and telling kids they're the new "Jerry Springer" edition.
6. The "My Little Taxidermy Kit" (with
starter squirrel) is not selling.
5. Jaws of life needed to pull your
knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel.
4. Every time you're passed over for
a promotion, you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to "end
it all."
3. Caught hocking phlegm into tykes'
hands and telling them it was "homemade Gack."
2. Your sales display, "Barbie's Struggle
for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu" was not exactly an overwhelming
success.
and the Number 1 Reason For Being Fired From Toys 'R'
Us...
1. Regardless of the question, you
answer, "Bite me, kid -- I R on break."
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis,
Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List [email protected]
http://www.topfive.com ]
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The Top 10 Signs You're
Hopelessly Geeky
10. Your screen saver: "Deep Blue Kicks Ass!"
9. You spend hours prioritizing your
list of questions you'd like to ask Commander Data if you ever meet him
in person.
8. At the local Radio Shack, you're
greeted like Norm at Cheers.
7. You're the head A/V technician on
a space ship behind Hale-Bopp.
6. You prefer to be thought of as an
"artist who works in the medium of ASCII."
5. Slim Jims and Ding Dongs form the
base of your nutrition pyramid.
4. Discussions with your friends about
the properties of dilithium crystals routinely lead to fistfights.
3. You have electrical tape holding
your contact lenses together.
2. Your first and only attempt at foreplay
ended abruptly when your own bow tie gave you a wedgie.
and the Number 1 Sign You're Hopelessly Geeky...
1. Seven years, $60 million, and your
new high-tech house still ain't done.
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis,
Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List [email protected]
http://www.topfive.com ]
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You've Had Too Much Coffee When...(Joke
of the Day)
- You ski uphill.
- You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
- You speed walk in your sleep.
- You answer the door before people knock.
- Juan Valdez has named his donkey after you.
- You have a bumper sticker that reads: Coffee
drinkers are good in the sack.
- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
- You just completed another sweater and you don't know
how to knit.
- You sleep with your eyes open.
- You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
- The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
- You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away
without using the timer.
- You lick your coffee pot clean.
- You spend your vacations visiting "Maxwell House"
- You're the employee of the month at the local coffee
house and you don't even work there.
- You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this
week.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- You chew on other people's fingernails.
- Cocaine is a downer.
- The Nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your
pulse.
- All your kids are named "Joe"
- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet &
Low"
- You buy 1/2 and 1/2 by the barrel.
- Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend
their margaritas.
- You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
- You can jump-start your car without cables.
- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
- You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
- You don't sweat, you percolate.
- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you
realize it's not plugged in.
- Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic
stirrers.
- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- People get dizzy just watching you.
- When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick
it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
- The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava
lamp.
- You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
- People can test their batteries in your ears.
- Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
- You channel surf faster without a remote.
- When someone asks, "How are you?", you say, "Good to
the last drop."
- You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity
in a coffee can.
- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
- You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
- You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the
coffee.
- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to
mean beer.
- You named your cats "Cream" and "Sugar"
- Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee
mug.
- You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
- Your 3 favorite things in life are: coffee before,
coffee during and coffee after.
- You can't even remember your second cup.
- You help your dog chase its tail.
- You get drunk just so you can sober up.
- You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
- Your Thermos is on wheels.
- Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
- You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
- You introduce your spouse as your "CoffeeMate"
- Your first-aid kit contains 2-pints of coffee with
an I-V hookup.
- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
- You help your dog chase its tail.
- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
- You short out motion detectors.
- You have a conniption over spilled milk.
- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
- You don't tan, you roast.
- You don't get mad, you get steamed.
- Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
- You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
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How to Fight Office Boredom
(Joke of the Day)
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your
voice.)
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same
outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially
effective if your boss is a different gender than
you are.)
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."
Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
"Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't
have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting.
During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
Insist that your e-mail address be "[email protected]"
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent
debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the
mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask
and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel
and see how
many you can catch in your mouth.
Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc...
in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean
back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be
faster than that."
Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone
has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
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Winning friends
and influencing people in the office---NOT (Joke of the Day)
1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra
dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE..
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then
scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological
profiles."
33. While sitting in your cube, yodel.
You Might Be
In Education If... (Joke of the Day)
You can converse in middle schoolease.
Your last nerve is a distant memory...
Every day is a bad hair day.
You find humor in public parental discipline.
You worry about getting sued for self-esteem violations.
You believe the staff room should be equipped with Valium salt licks.
You stand on your front porch instructing the neighbor children to "Walk!"
Junior Highers make you feel old but you could not be paid to be that age again...
You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to only work 8 - 3 and have your summers free."
You refer to adults as "boys and girls"
You encourage your husband by telling him he is a "good helper"
You believe chocolate is a major food group.
You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
You believe "extremely annoying" should have its own box on the report card.
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids are sure mellow today."
When you are out in public you snap your fingers at children who are misbehaving.
You give your husband "the look" when he "misbehaves."
You have no life from August through June.
Putting all "A"s on the report card would be so much easier.
You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce, earned by having worked in a middle school for 5 years.
You encourage a parent to check into home schooling.
You can't have children of your own because there isn't a name you can hear that wouldn't elevate your blood pressure.
You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.
You think that caffeine should be available in I V form.
Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like that?"
Old People
Are you feeling old? If not, consider this:
The people who are starting college this fall across
the nation were born in 1980.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
Their world has always included AIDS.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums and cassette audiotapes; they may have heard of an 8-track, but probably never actually seen (or heard) one.
The digital Disc was presented to Wall street when they were 1 year old.
From their earliest years, a camera was something you used once and threw away.
As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
Few, if any, have lived without an answering machine.
Few have used a TV set with only 13 channels.
Some use the word "clickers" for "remote control", yet they do not know why they say it.
They were born the year that Walkman were introduced by Sony
The expression "you sound like a broken record" means
nothing to them.
You're Probably Aged 25 to 35 If...
You wore anything Izod, and other names such as K-Way,
Sergio Valente.
You remember those windbreakers that folded up into a pouch you could wear around your waist.
You owned a Jordache anything, or you remember when Jordache jeans were cool.
You remember LeFreak by Chic
In your grade 9 and 10 class pictures, you're wearing an Izod shirt with the collar "up."
"All-skate, change directions" means something to you.
In high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again.
You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you in the "tail gunner" position.
Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language.
You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, Rick Springfield, or Cyndi Lauper video.
You actually know who Rick Springfield is.
You're starting to believe (now that it wouldn't affect YOU) that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea
You ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon
Bo and Luke Duke.
There was nothing strange about Bert n' Ernie living together.
Knickers and leg warmers were cool
You know what "gauchos" are
You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still carry the emotional scars to this day.
You ever wanted to learn to play "Stairway to Heaven" on the guitar and choreographed "Dancing Queen" by yourself in your room.
You were afraid of the Sleestaks on Land of the Lost.
The first time you ever kissed someone was at a dance during "Crazy for You" by Madonna.
You ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation.
You had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding
You know who shot J.R.
This rings a bell: "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me."
You ever had a Dorothy Hammill haircut
You sat with your friends on a Friday night and dialed "8-6-7-5-3-0-9" to see if Jenny would answer.
You owned a pair of Rainbow suspenders just like Mork used to wear.
You remember when your cable TV box had the three rows of numbers and you had to move the selector switch accordingly.
You could sing "99 Red Balloons" in English and in German.
Feathered hair
Your jaw would ache by the time you finished those "brick-sized" packages of Bazooka gum.
The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over
with laughter.
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