Painless Delivery
(Joke of the Day)
A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby
delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a
new machine that would transfer a portion of the
mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They
were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer
dial to
10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably
more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and
asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then
adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The
husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood
pressure and
was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since
it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged
the
doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife
delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
Midlife Crisis (Joke
of the Day)
A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half
his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon
became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to
satisfy his young bride.
His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him
that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle. Determined
to
satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor
to get some advice.
"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"
The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said
in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self stimulation before having
intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll
last longer and ultimately satisfy her."
"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."
Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home. "Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.
Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him? He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there. A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".
A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete
his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping
his eyes
tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying,
he said, "Yes?"
"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.
"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.
"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down
there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."
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Hairspray vs. Nature (Joke
of the Day)
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in
the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its
hole. He
says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that
hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out
with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff
as a
board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs
the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the
grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another
five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five
dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your
grandma."
At the Races (Joke of
the Day)
The other day, a woman came out of the kitchen and when
her husband approached, she slapped him up side the head, WHACK!
He was a little dazed and asked, "What was that for?"
She said, "I was cleaning out your pants to put them in the laundry and found a piece of paper with the name 'Foxy Roxy' on it."
He said, "Honey, you know that I went out the other day with the boys to the race track. I bet on a horse named 'Foxy Roxy' and that we won a lot of money on it.
She felt so bad that she fixed him his favorite dinner and really treated him good since she had made this mistake and not trusted him.
A few days went by and the husband came through the door and "WHACK," she smacked him up side the head again. He said, "Ouch! What was that for???"
She replied, "Your horse called today......."
Ten reasons trick or
treating is better than sex (sent to me by my friend, Suzanne)
10. You're guaranteed to get a little something
in the sack.
9. If you get tired, you can wait ten minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you treats.
6. It's ok when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else...because you ARE someone else.
5. 40 years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.
3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
#1. YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
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The
10 Worst Pick-Up Lines Ever Uttered (Larissa I Morgan)
1. Just call me milk - I'll do your body good!
2. I want you almost as much as I want world peace.
3. Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I need to walk by again?
4. We both know that I am going to follow you home anyway, so why don't I just come along peacefully?
5. I envy your lipstick.
6. Do you believe in the hereafter? Good, then you know what I'm here after.
7. Hi, I'm new in town. Can I have directions to your place?
8. Didn't we bathe together as kids?
9. Is it me or am I gorgeous?
10. I'd even marry your dog just to be related to you.
Ways to Reject PickUp
Lines (Joke of the Day)
1. Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm
the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
2. Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I
don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
3. Man: "I'd really like to get into
your pants."
Woman: "No thanks.
There's already one asshole in there."
4. Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank
you."
Man: "Don't thank
me, thank God somebody asked you."
5. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's
your number?"
Woman: "It's in
the phone book."
Man: "But I don't
know your name."
Woman: "That's in
the phone book too.
6. Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator.
7. Man: "How do you like your
eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized,
go away!"
8. A graying man in his 60's approaches
a twenty-something with "Where have you been all my life?"
She took one glance
at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."
9. Two young dudes are striding down
the street and and one glances at a girl who has just walked by.
She turns around
and sneers at him, "What are you looking at?"
His friend comes
to the rescue: "He thought you were good looking. Man,
was he was mistaken!"
10. "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
11. Guy: "Hey, come on, we're both here
at this bar for the same reason!"
Gal: "Yeah!
Let's pick up some chicks!"
Discovering the Mall (Joke
of the Day)
A boy and his Father visiting from a third world country
were at The Mall of America. They were amazed by almost everything
they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart
and back together again.
The boy asked his Father "What is this Father?". The Father responded "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!".
While the boy and his Father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out.
The Father said to his son "Go get your Mother".
Christmas Turkey
(Dan Patton)
There was an old married couple that had happily lived
together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage
was caused by
the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning
as he awoke.
The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that the couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out".
The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and
the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out"
until
one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went
downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding,
mashed
potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she
was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as
to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her
face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs
hours before her flatulent husband would awake.
While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the
covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She
then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled
them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing
the family meal.
Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.
The wife could not control herself and her eyes began
to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting
up with him
she had finally gotten even.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."
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