Things You Really Need To Know at College

By Bobbi Shackelford

1. Don’t drink the water from the bathrooms—we’re talking Chlorine City.
2. Go to Everything-You cannot shut yourself up in your dorm and not expect to go insane.
3. How to Parallel park-you will have to do this, because the people with good parking spaces NEVER DRIVE ANYWHERE.
4. If you do get a good parking space, DO NOT MOVE YOUR CAR. This really pisses off those people who have to parallel park at the other end of the lot.
5. Take all the free stuff you can get-You WILL need it. The same thing goes for money.
6. You will be amazed at how much of that money that was once spent on clothes and CD’s is suddenly going towards things like paper towels, envelopes, stamps, paper plates, etc.
7. Everything is Recyclable-clothes too.
8. Take pictures so you can make your high school friends jealous; however, NEVER under any circumstances let these pictures fall into the hands of your parents.
9. Anything you plan on putting on the walls has to be light enough to be help up by Sticky-Tak.
10. Don’t party every night-Every other night will suffice. There is always something going on, so you’re not going to miss much. (Besides, unlike High School, you actually do have to study.)
11. When you study, DON’T study like you did in high school. It’s an entirely different process. You don’t have to memorize the stuff; you have to UNDERSTAND it.
12. You will develop a taste for things you thought tasted horrible before. The main ones are coffee and beer. If you have already developed a taste for these things, you will suddenly build up a tolerance for them in mass quantities.
13. Only really desperate guys go for the girl doing the keg dance at parties; she is the most hammered person in the building usually.
14. If some nasty skanky person tries hitting on you at a party, DO NOT tell them your last name unless you WANT them to be calling you. They can use that to look you up in the Student Directory.
15. All the stories about the "Freshman 15" are 100% true.
16. The most popular pick-up line on campus is NOT "Hey, wanna fuck?", and "So, do you want me to finger you, or are just gonna suck my dick?" doesn’t work either. (One of my guy friends invented that one. Oh, and sorry, it doesn’t even work for the super-gorgeous guys.) However, "Hey, were you at my orientation?" however bland, DOES usually get a good response, for both guys and girls.
17. Learn to be very open-minded. You will meet people and make friends with people who do things or know things you never even knew existed. This is actually a very valuable part of your educational experience. You will learn more from these people than you do in any class.
18. Unlike high school, your college professors are allowed to have opinions and express them in any way they choose. Because of this, they can teach you a lot more that actually matters, not like the crap you had to learn in high school.
19. To anyone who takes Philosophy: if your professor starts talking about the mating habits of tze-tze flies, drop the course. (I had this guy-trust me, it’s good advice.)
20. Skimming over text will not fly in college: you have to read everything, take notes, and as stated in #11, understand it.
21. Don’t skip class if you don’t have to. Even if you DO do all the reading assignments, you are going to miss so much added information from the professor and you won’t know what he’s really emphasizing for you to know.
22. In class: if the professor repeats anything more than once, write it down and highlight it, because 9 times out of ten, it WILL be on the test.
23. Use the first couple days to scope out the talent in your classes. If you find an attractive prospect whom also seems to take good notes, nail your ass to the seat next to them before the professor decides to make a seating chart.
24. If you decide you’re going to frequently be bringing a member of the opposite sex "back to your place", don’t volunteer to take the top bunk.
25. If you are going to be coming home slammed frequently, do not volunteer to take the top bunk.
26. If you toss and turn in your sleep a lot, do not volunteer to take the top bunk.
27. If you get a lot of phone calls after midnight, do not volunteer to take the top bunk.
28. Community bathrooms suck royally: get a room with a semi-private bathroom if at all possible.
29. Take your keys with you EVERYWHERE.
30. Rush Week really sucks if you’re not rushing. My advice: Rush, even if you’re not pledging. That way, you can still go to all the parties.
31. Make friends with everybody. Some will last longer than others, but these are the people you will remember for the rest of your life, not most of your high school friends.
32. Consider everyone you come across a possible friend. Smile and make eye contact. Self-confidence really goes a long way here.
33. Girls: if you’re interested in that cute guy who sits in front of you in Public Speaking, talk to him! He’s not going to notice you if all you do is stare at the back of his head.
34. Talk to anyone whom you discover lives within a 50-mile radius of your hometown. You’ll find you know a lot of the same people, go to some of the same places, and these people are potential buddies to hang out with during the summer.
35. Girls: guys up here really do like girls who play hard to get; however, don’t play unattainable, unless you want them to think you’re a snob.
36. Guys: if you’re interested in a girl, let her know! Believe it or not, we’re not mind readers, and you men can be confusing as hell.
37. Dances are great places to meet people. Go to them and JUST HAVE FUN! You don’t even have to be good, so long as you’re having fun. Flirt a little while you’re at it; I’ve found that a lot of guys are majorly turned on by girls who come on to them. I guess it gets tiring always having to make the first move.
38. Guys: You are not going to meet anyone by holding up a tree back in the shadows. Girls like guys who dance, even if they’re not really good (but it does help if you at least have rhythm). I know that’s one of the main qualities I look for in a guy.
39. Do not get it into your head that the first person you meet is going to be the person you marry. For the first month or so, NO ONE is looking for a commitment.
40. The whole "relationship" thing is different at college. Girls can date more than one guy and not automatically be labeled as a slut. Also, girl/guy friendships are totally different: a guy and a girl can kinda fool around and still just be friends, so long as it’s a mutual feeling. It’s often called being fuckpartners, but you don’t have to take that literally, and though it sounds kinda bad, it’s actually not.
41. "Bitch" and "Prick" suddenly become terms of endearment.
42. Juice bars and nite clubs replace hangouts like the parking lot and the movies.
43. You will go to more concerts than you ever could have imagined.
44. Take full advantage of the 24/2 policy (members of the opposite sex can only spend the night on Fri. and Sat. nights).
45. Make sure your roommate is cool with you taking full advantage of the 24/2 policy and find out when he or she is going to be taking advantage of it, so people don’t think you’re having massive group orgies in your room.
46. There is no dress code for college, but it you don’t have a body worth showing off, DON’T. Your friends and colleagues will thank you later.
47. DON’T hold grudges. How can you expect to make friends if you’re walking around pissed at everybody?
48. If you decide to hook up with someone, find out what their definitions of "dating" and "going out" are, or you might ruin it before it even gets started.
49. Take it with a grain of salt when your friendships with high school buddies start changing. You’re at college now, and a lot of things change. You’ll change, but as luck would have it, your friends still in high school usually aren’t ready for that.
50. DO NOT, under any circumstances, become a clone. People will like you for you, not because you act just like them. As a matter of fact, that’s just flat out annoying. To quote Popeye, "I am what I am and that’s all what I am".
51. DON’T eat the mushroom soup.