Theory as to Why the Color Green is Associated with Being Horny

By: Ilana Lynne

Okay, folks, this one is actually fairly easy and has nothing to do with women being the dominant sex (which we are), as most of my theories usually do. So, instead of campaigning for my feminist side, I will simply explain to you my theory about why green is the "horny color".

First, a little background. Green Skittles and M&M’s: the foods of champion hornballs. Why has the world developed this outlandish outlook on a simple little color? I mean, green never did anything wrong. The leprechauns loved it. Is that why the choice phrase on Saint Pat’s Day is "Kiss me, I’m Irish"? Are we supposed to assume that Irish people are hornier than the rest of the world? No, that’s not a valid judgment. After all, Paris is the City of Love, not Belfast. As a matter of fact, my theory does not begin in Ireland at all, but in France.

No particular area of France, just France in general. As a matter of fact, you can just leave geographical France out of the whole thing. I’m concerned with French, the language of love.

Let’s take one of the most common words associated with being horny and dissect it, shall we? The word of choice is: pervert. Webster defines pervert as an abnormal or corrupt person, sexually. So, basically, a hornball. Okay, ready to dissect? Scalpel, syringe, oh, damn, we forgot the anesthetic…oh well. Ah, here we go. Per-vert.

Nicely done. Not bad for your first time. Of course, I’m sure you hear that a lot. Sorry, joking, joking. Anyway, back to our dissection. We now have two separate pieces: per and vert. Now, today as I was having my daily Think Time, some of that two years of high school French came back to me. Let’s change "per" to "pour". That gives us the phrase "pour vert", which in French means "for green". So, putting it all back to together, we are left with the ideal that perverts are "for green". That would mean that green is the color of choice for perverts, making green the "horny color".

Thank you, and please join me for my next lecture on "Why the Green M&M is a Girl".