Joke (or funny story) of the Week
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment the young boy answered, "It's Adam's suit!!"
Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered,
"If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
It's obvious really; amongst the 57 million people in Britain there are probably 5,000 people who have only got one leg.
Therefore the average number of legs is
. (5000 * 1) + (56,995,000 * 2)
---------------------------------- = 1.9999123......
. . . . . . 57,000,000
And since most people have 2 legs.......
Homoscedasticity
Homogeneous elasticity betweeen different sizes of rubber bands.
Interpolate
Breeding a statistician with a clergyman to produce the much sought "honest statistician".
Standard normal deviates
A comparison group of sociopaths who were formally normal people.
A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York.
Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine. However, it would now take 18 hours to get to new York.
At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"
* Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed
* All polar bears are left-handed
* If your car is stolen, there's a 10 percent chance it was nicked by a Polar bear
* 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles
* 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles
* Work stuffs up your eyesight
* All dogs are animals
* All cats are animals
* Therefore, all dogs are cats
* A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second
* Ten babies are conceived around the world every second
* Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of falling pregnant
Probably....
Hello, this is probably 438-9012, yes, the house of the famous statistician. I'm probably not at home, or not wanting to answer the phone, most probably the latter, according to my latest calculations. Supposing that the universe doesn't end in the next 30 seconds, the odds of which I'm still trying to calculate, you can leave your name, phone number, and message, and I'll probably phone you back. So far the probability of that is about 0.645. Have a nice day.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
The physician remarked, 'Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world.'
The civil engineer interrupted, and said, 'But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong, mine is the oldest profession in the world.'
The computer scientist leaned back in on the chair, smiled, and then said confidently, 'Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?'
The stylist thought that a bit weird but proceeded. After some time, the stylist was beginning to get frustrated having to cut around the headphones. She removed them only to have the blond fall out of the chair onto the floor!
The stylist could not believe what she had seen. She leaned down and picked up the headphones and heard, 'breath in... breath out, breath in... breath out.'
The guy says OK, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins - and they're all wearing sunglasses.
He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies: "I did, today I'm taking them to the beach!"
Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department.
The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.
Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"
The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire"
"A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
"When you breathe, you inspire. When you don't, you expire."
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."
"The body consists of three parts -- the brainium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five -- a,e, i, o, and u."
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing
me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you
might like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.(You'll pass out and breathe.)
Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
Polar bears are left handed.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length, It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
Starfishes haven't got brains.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light. "
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us! "
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
The Stonemason thought that there would be confusion as to who was burried in the grave, pointing out that most people would think three people were burried there. He proposed that the inscription be changed to: "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man."
The best friend pointed out that no-one would know who was burried in the grave then, but the stonemaster replied "But everone walking past the grave would read the inscription and say, 'Well, thats strange.'"
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."
The 60 year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"
The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."
The doctor couldn't believe it. So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"
The 60 year old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"
The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."
The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"
His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"
The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various "hell rooms. " He said, "I'll be right back don't go away," and he vanished.
Sneaking over to the first door, Mac peeked in and saw a cockpit where the pilot was condemned to forever run through preflight checks. He slammed the door and peeked into the second. There, alarms rang and red lights flashed while a pilot had to avoid one emergency after another.
Unable to imagine a worse fate Mac cautiously opened the third door. He was amazed to see many beautiful, scantily clad flight attendants answering to a captain's every whim.
He quickly returned to his place seconds before the devil reappeared. "Okay, Mac," said the devil, "Which door will it be, number 1 or number 2?"
"Um, I want door number 3," answered Mac.
"Sorry," said the devil. "You can't have door number 3, that's flight attendants' hell."
He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." The officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with intense concentration, supported himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. In labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing wide-eyed into the kitchen.
There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally HUNDREDS of his favorite chocolate chip cookies! Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture, one hand on the edge of the table. The aged and withered hand quiveringly made its way to a cookie near the edge of the table; feeling the warm soft dough actually made the pain of his bones subside for a moment.
His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. What, then, was this sudden stinging that caused his hand to recoil? He looked to see his wife, still holding the spatula she had just used to smack his hand.
"Stay out of those!" she said, "they're for the funeral."
The cars are racing down the highway - 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and� approaches the car. He leans down and says, Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I will let you go!"
The man thinks for a moment and says... "Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back."
Did you hear about the statistician that drowned in a lake with an average depth of 6 inches? He was the same guy who always carried a bomb in his carry on luggage when he flew. His reasoning was there was a very small chance of being on a flight with one bomb on it, but a infinitesimally small chance of being on a flight with two bombs.
This page was last updated on the 6th June, 2000
This site is maintained by me (Matthew)
