Joke(s) (or funny story) of the Week Updated 31st May Try this. It's pretty cool. Try not to cheat & look at the answer. Stare at the following and see if you can find the hidden image... It's kinda fun if you try. You'll be quite amazed when you find out what it is: {{{{{{===**++++*****++++++++++++++?????????????/////////////% ||||||@@@@@444+=+=****&^"""""""}}}}}}}]]]]]]]>>>>>>>><<<<<<<%% \=/////////^^!~~~~~:>>>>>>>>:---))))*****+++@@@@@@@@<>% ====]]\\\\\///////*****<><><><><><><>{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}%%%%~~~~~ $$$$$&&$$===~!~!~!~!=====++(*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*)----------%%%% Think about what you think it is, and now scroll to the bottom for the answer. ...... ...... ...... ...... ...... ...... Do you know what it is yet? Give up? Ok, I'll give you one more chance if you don't know... scroll back up and put your nose right up on the screen... that usually makes it easier for most people. Then, if you still give up, scroll down when you want the answer... ...... ...... ...... ...... ...... ...... Ok, ready... Here's the answer for you: ...... ...... ...... ...... ...... ...... It's.........NOTHING, you idiot. I can't believe you fell for that one. I hope someone walked by and witnessed you with your nose against the monitor! Don't hate me - just pass it on and make a fool of someone else! A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man in a field down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field." "You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. "I am. How did you know?" "Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone." The man below says, "You must be in management." "I am. But how did you know?" "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault." The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise visit and check up on his staff. Walking though the plant, he noticed a young man leaning lazily against a post. "Just how much are you being paid a week?" said the owner angrily. "Three hundred bucks," replied the young man. Taking out a fold of bills from his wallet, the owner counted out $300, slapped the money into the boy's hands, and said "Here's a week's pay - now get out and don't come back!" Turning to one of the supervisors, he said "How long has that lazy bum been working here anyway?" "He doesn't work here," said the supervisor. "He was just here to deliver a pizza!" One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him." A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place... The man says, "What's the problem officer?" Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone." Man: "No sir, I was going 60." Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.) Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light." Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!" Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.) Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt." Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car." Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt." The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk." Scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that suggests the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that nearly all of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned. Two Swedish sisters go into a photo place to get their picture taken. Not being very educated, they question each other on what the photographer is doing. When he goes under the black cloth, one sister turns to the other and asks....."Vots he goink to do?" Her sister answers," He's goink to focus!" The second cries," Bot of us !?!" A blonds car breaks down on the freeway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing on-coming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pile-ups in history of this highway occurrs. It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the driver of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?" "My car broke down," says the lady, calmly. "Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" screams the cop "Those are my emergency flashers!" replied the blonde! Warning - This is a bit rude Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing-assume the brace position immediately!" Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to friggin' crash!" Claudia responds: "I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces - which is why I am putting on my make-up." Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!" Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts - which is why I am exposing my tits!" Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi - Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?" Calmly, Naomi responds: "BITCHES PLEASE! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!" A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator she cries. The 911 dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes. Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher's telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again. "Never mind, "giggles the blonde, "I got in the back seat by mistake. One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bids on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bids higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bids way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?" Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team wills provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the........." This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?" The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone." Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one. "No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half." "Sounds good to me," said the first lady. But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him." The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed. "But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court. "Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law." A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold diet Coke right now!" He gets his Coke and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside. " Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." POOF! He's back in his government office. Things that make you go Hmmmmmmmm (1) How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead? Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? You know how most packages say "Open here"... What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is? Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is? Why is it that the guy who comes up behind you while you're waiting for an elevator presses the already lit "up" button -- as though he somehow has magical powers that you didn't when you pressed it the first time? Things that make you go Hmmmmmmmm (2) How come wrong numbers are never busy? Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'? Does killing time damage eternity? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? Why is it that night falls but day breaks? Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop? Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it? Do pilots take crash-courses? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? How can there be self-help "groups"? How do you get off a non-stop flight? How do you write zero in Roman numerals? If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?"? If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman? If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends? If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them? If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Guide biscuits made out of ? If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags? If swimming is good for your shape, then why do whales look the way they do? If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of? If you jog backwards, will you gain weight? Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? This page was last updated on the 6th June, 2000 This site is maintained by me (Matthew) This webpage was made by Matthew O'Brien Click on the link for more information and other examples of my work.