Saturday
October 25, 1997
St Kilda

Becoming an adult means realising that you're alone. No mother bird to preen and prepare you, no one to wipe away the tears or take control for you. Just you, your choices and decisions and the weight of responsibility that goes with it. Even if we choose to surround ourselves with accolytes and devotees. Loved ones and children, partners and friends. A demanding job or myriad hobbies, at the close of the day we are still an entity unto ourself. Single, solitary, one. It's like oil and water. The oil can touch the water, sit on top of it, shake it up and the oil can move about within the water, but they are separate, different, singular.

Why have I been thinking about this shit? Scott's away and I finally know what it is to live alone. To exist on a day to day basis without another or others. To get up and go on and do and be without someone else there. It's very different. It has many advantages - the best of which is that you can simply do whatever you please. The worst of which is being by yourself. I wanted to enjoy it more. But I suppose all it's done is highlight how much of my social structure is tied up in *couple* things. How much my urge to do and go and see is goverened by wanting to do it and share it with someone else. To validate it I suppose. And I know how wrong this is, I know it deep within me that I should (and to a great extent I can do it) just be able to do and see without it having to be made valid by another. I suppose it's like the unheard tree falling in a forest? I want so much to be a self contained entity, single and solitary. I want so much for my existence to be on my terms and for myself.

I'm such an INTJ, its not funny. Actually, I'm such a Virgoan INTJ that it really isn't funny.

Gotta go and stew some more.