Big Wheel
Tuesday
June 15, 1999
BalaclavaThat Massive Attack song hymn of the big wheel implanted itself into my mind this morning. You know all that...
� � � � �"Big wheel keeps on turning, on a simple life day � � � � �� � by day...."
� � � � �"....There's a hole in my soul like a cavity"
� � � � �"The wheel keeps turning, the sky's rearranging, � � � � � ���look my son the weather is changing..."
� � � � �"I'd like to feel that you could be free...."Well, it's kind of catchy. Some big things have happened for me lately. I resigned from my job, and walked away from it the next day. I bought tickets to New York City a few days later. I don't have another job. But I will. I just don't at the moment.
For me, life is full of signposts and markers. States of action and inaction. Defined areas of "yes" and "no". I know myself well, and so find that I know what to do and when. I don't agonise over decisions, or worry after I've made them. When I know something is right, I feel it, and I'm ready to move on, or make a decision, or act. Now. Right then. Right there. No messing around. I call it walking through the circle. My aim is to keep walking and not stop, or worse begin walking the perimeter. Because walking the perimeter is just a really long walk back to where you started.
In three weeks I will be undertaking a trip I have dreamed of for 25 years. I'm sure I dreamed of this before I even knew I wanted to go to New York City. But I know that I did, because there's always been a restlessness for big cities inside me. I grew up in the whitebread suburbs. Far from all that is the glittery gritty city of Melbourne. But as soon as I was able I hightailed it to the inner city, and began my life.
I recogised a day or so ago, my continuing need to absent and absolve myself of places, people and situations when I know that I have nothing more to offer, or nothing more to glean. Whilst I agree in principle that this is a good thing - for I know that I can walk away without a backward glance, it often means that when I get to that point, it's over. Finished. Stopped. From that moment on.
Useful. I can finish things and pain or fear or anguish doesn't stay with me. I can let go. But conversely if things are ended before this occurs within, I'm stuck there. I can't seem to move on. Over time the feelings dull and fade, but the door remains open. This causes me trouble.
I will write from overseas, possibly before. Perhaps I'll post my itinerary so we all know what I'm doing...
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