Tuesday
December 9, 1997
Home

I wrote not so many months ago about feeling ready to embrace passion, to fall again in love deep and wide and all consuming. I felt ready to open up completely to someone. Let them in, allow them access to the dark recesses of my soul, with utter equanimity.

What I forgot about was the pain. The level of trust involved. That in doing this there is another person involved. Years of self containment, living for myself, listening to myself and acting on those things which affect me, meant that when I experienced this utterly uncontrollable let down of my guard I trusted it. I forgot about the involvement of another person. I forgot about the unknown quantity of another. I forgot that wanting something can't make it happen. I forgot that you can only give what you can give, and another can only do the same. If they're prepared to. If not, and in this case they weren't there isn't anywhere to go.

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You are exposed, raw, everything is out there and you have no defence left. Ungarded and unprotected there is nothing to do but hurt. Ride out the pain and learn the lesson for next time. Re-learn the lesson.

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It has been years since I have felt like this. Many buttoned up, self reliant years intervened. I forgot the pain of that time. I forgot the anger and the hurt. I forgot the feeling of vulnerability and of being small and pushed around.

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If you want to read the full version of this entry, mail me and I'll fill you in.

Ta.