A London department store
Bargain basement is upstairs.

We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, etc.  Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

A health food shop:
Closed due to illness.

English sign in a German cafe:
Mothers, please wash your Hans before eating.

Out to lunch, if not back by five, out for dinner also.

We can repair amything (Please knock hard, the doorbell doesn't work.)

Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

Please do not smoke near our fuel pumps.  Your life may not be worth much, but our fuel is.

Would the person who took the stepladder yesterday please return it or further steps will be taken.

After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the drain board.

Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

If ypu cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

Beware, I shoot every tenth trespasser, and the ninth one just left.