THE GAG TEST
    Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night.

EGGS
    When something starts pecking its way outof the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS
    Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt.  Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese.  Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts looking like regular cheese.  Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled cheese anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it already is.  Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you have never purchased that kind.

MAYONAISE
    If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS
    Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EXPIRATION DATES
    This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries.  Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

MEAT
    If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD
Sesame seeds and poppy seeds are the only officialy acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread.  Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

FLOUR
    Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

LETTUCE
    Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet.  Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.

CANNED GOODS
    Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of.  Carefully.

CARROTS
    A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

RAISINS
    Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

POTATOES
    If it looks like it's ready for planting, toss it.

CHIP DIP
    If you can take it out of it's container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS
    Putting empty containers back in the fridge is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

UNMARKED ITEMS
    You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food.  Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open it.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB
    Most food cannot be kept beyond the average life span of a hamster.  Keep a hamster in or near your refrigerator to guage this.