Okay boys, take note, chat-up lines such as "Hey, my mate fancies you" will no longer wash. Scared? Confused? Unsure how to go on? Worry no longer, Just take a few tips from the carefully selected (and constantly changed & updated) list below, and you're laughing all the way to the back row of the flicks!
Girls, sick of all the cheesy chat up lines? Need new ones of your own? Look no further for retorts and sweet utterings, all in one page! (just click on 'tips' or 'chat-up')
Tips :on approaching and keeping that special someone.
Chat up lines :old and new, and all funny as hell!
Retorts/ Bloke Jokes: Cut that wanna-be Casanova down to size.
If anyone has good tips tell me please, cuz I just realised that I have done very little to get anyone out with me. (darn, that's why I never get the guy!!!!!)
Chat-Up lines
Lick your finger and brush it against the desired clothes and say, "D'ya need a hand taking off those wet clothes."
-Can I see your label? I bet it says Heaven, coz you're a pure angel!
-Did you hurt yourself? (what) did you hurt yourself when you fell from heaven, coz you must be an angel.
-My dentist hates you, coz you're so sweet when anyone looks at you they get toothache!
-Here's ten pence, go and ring your mum, tell her you're not coming home tonight.
-Oh! It's you, isn't it? Oh I can't believe it! Oh sorry, I was in the audience last night at the fashion show. You were a model weren't you? No? you should have been!
-Do you sleep on your front? Can I?
-Can I buy you a very expensive drink? Or would you just prefer the tenner?
-(approach, nervous) Hi. Sorry, I don't normally do this sort of thing. I'm (Joanne).I was just watching you there, oh God, and I had to tell you, you are the most beautiful person/best dancer/ have the sexiest dress/ loveliest smile that I have ever seen. I just wanted to tell you that. (smile nervously, if there is no response shuffle away)
-(go up and take a picture of their face, be very obvious, when they ask what you are doing, or get a mate to ask you what you are doing-) "I'm taking a souvenir of the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my whole life.
Worst Chat-up Lines
1) I just threw up!
2) You look just like a hooker I know in Detroit.
3) Miss, if you've lost your virginity, can I have the package it
came in?
4) Hey baby! You look like you could suck the chrome off a trailer
hitch.
5) I've had quite a bit to drink, and your beginning to look pretty
good.
6) Hello Susie! Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon so she
asked me to pick you up. My what a pretty dress!
7) Your place or mine?
8) Nice dress, could I talk you out of it?
9) I want to floss with your pubic hair.
10) I'd look good on you.
11) Excuse me. Have I fucked you yet?
12) Somebody farted! Lets get out of here.
13) That dress would look awfully nice on the floor next to my bed.
14) Do you want to see something swell?
15) What do you like for breakfast?
16) Do you want to fuck or should I apologize?
17) Say, didn't we go to different schools together?
18) Why dont you come over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk about
the first thing that pops up.
19) Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us.
20) Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
21) You smell wet. Lets party!
22) If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold it
against me?
23) Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me? I
thought you knew!
24) You have the ass of a great artist.
Retorts / Bloke jokes
"You're one in a million"
- "so is your chances!""Do you come here often?"
- "Not anymore if you're going to start infesting the place""I love you"
- "I love me too!""You could be a model"
- "You definitely couldn't"(guy sleazes all over you and says) "Can I buy you a drink?"
- "You'd be better getting yourself another one, mate, cause the one you're drinking's about to go over your head""Are you seeing someone right now?"
- I'm definitely seeing something, right in front of me, whether it's a person or not, I do not know, but I'm scared!"hey, you look like just my type!"
- You must be mistaken, I have a pulse."I'm your first, aren't I?"
- "You could be, you definitely look familiar!Why go for younger men? You may as well, they never mature anyway!
How do you know wen a man is about to say something clever? He starts the sentence with "my girlfriend says.."
When should you care for a mans company? When he owns it!
What did the elephant say to the man? "It' cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
Why are men like parking spots? The good ones are always taken, and the free ones are mostly very small.
When's the best time to change a man? When he's in nappies!
Why do women rarely make fools of men? Most of them are the do-it-yourself types!
What should you do if your boyfriend walks out? Shut the door behind him!
Why should you never let a mans mind wander? Because it is too small to be let out alone.
Where's the best place to find a man who's committed? In a mental institution.
What’s the definition of a bachelor? A man who's missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
Why don't men show their true feelings? They don't have any.
What do you call an intelligent man in Britain? A tourist.
How many men does it take to put down a toilet seat? I don't know, it hasn't ever happened.
The only problem with women is men.
Women prefer the simple things in life...like men.
Boy will be boys but one day all girls will be women.
Every man has it in his power to make one woman happy...by remaining a
bachelor.
Most men prefer looks to brains, because most men see better than they
think.
I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing
and then marry him.
What's the difference between men and pigs?...Pigs don't turn into men
when they drink.
The average man is proof enough that women can take a joke.
Boys will be boys, but men are better at it.
What do you call a man who has lost 98% of his brain?...A widower.
They put one man on the moon. Why can't they put them all there?
What's an orgasm Mom? I don't know...ask your father.
If you catch a man...throw him back.
Men call us birds, is that because of all the worms we pick up?
What is the useless bit of skin of a penis?...A man
Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we could do without the ironing lady.
Wife: Well, if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.
Why a dog beats a boyfriend:
Why a boyfriend is like a dog:
- Both have an irrational fear of vacuum cleaners.
- Both are threatened by their own kind.
- Both mark their territory.
- Both fart shamelessly.
- Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
