Hello boys and girls, today at kiddies corner we've got lots of things to do, and lots of surprises too! What jolly fun, how gay we are! You decide what you want to do kids, and lets have some fun!

Dear brats,

How are you? Alright? Well that's jolly good, ho ho ho, coz I'm pissed off. You little, smarmy, greedy bastards have really been yanking my chain recently and It's time totell you few home truths, kiddies!

Firstly, all those letters that you send? Boooooooring! I don't read them! They're so cheesy it makes me feel queasy! If you really want to suck up then send me some adult magazines, you know, the ones your big brothers keep under the covers, the ones with all those pictures with the…mmm. And..uhhhh…ohhohoho, yes….-ahem. Send them soon and I might just get you your Buzz light years, or your teletubbies, or whatever other crap your parents keep you busy with so they can have one bloody minutes peace and quite…

Secondly, about the actual delivery of your presents. You do not seriously believe that I still come onto your roof top with my reindeers do you? Oh, and while I remember, Rudolf. Rudolf has been dead for like a century or something, duuuuh! How long do you scrawny ankle biters think that reindeer can live? Yeah, you all go on about him, but how many cards did I get when he fatally fell off that slippery roof in Iceland. None! Ha! That's gratitude for all his work ain't it? And while I'm at it, I don't come down the chimney, jeezus, how many of you actually still have chimneys anyway? And-no- I don't have special keys either, don't need them! Your houses aren't exactly intruder proof are they? I simply use a silent saw to cut the locks open…Still feel safe in your beds do you? Ha! Ho ho ho!!!

Thirdly, about the beverages and appetizers you leave me, like helloooo, a biscuit and a glass of milk (or something only a wee bit stronger)? That hardly sustains a man of my caliber, I mean, come on! All the way from the north pole and all I get is a jammy dodger and cows piss? Thanks! This year, would you be so kind as to trouble your little arses and leave me a supasize Big Mac meal, extra fries, and some Vodka, or a Jack D's, and leave the bottle! I spend that much dough on your presents, I think I deserve it! And about that carrot for Rudolf, in case it hasn't sunk in yet, he's dead, "Rudolf the dead, dead, Reindeer, isn't breathing anymore, he's been pushing up the daisies, Since he fell way back in 1904…" la la la la la, Dead, dead, dead!

Finally, you better forget staying up to try and catch me, My dog fluffy comes with me everywhere, he's a rockweiler you see, and he doesn't like children, well, that's not true, it's just he prefers chicken, but if he's at all hungry… Ho ho ho! Well, I'd better be going, the wife's been really moody recently, so I'd better go to Sexy Sonya's house b.4 the old bat gets home, or she might get suspicious, I don't think she believes I'm only helping with Sonya's school work anymore, ooh, I love human biology!

Regards,