Yeah, I know I'm a blonde, and me putting up a blonde jokes page is a blonde thing to do, but hey, I've heard so many of them and some of them are actually quite funny. But listen here people, this site is of comical value, blondes should never be discriminated against! We may be blonde, but we do, occasionally, have bright streaks! - Honest!
Funny Blonde Jokes ~~~Long Blonde Jokes~~~Blonde Slut Jokes
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A1: So brunettes can remember them.
A2: Because blondes are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.
A3: So men can understand them.
Q-What's black and blue and brown and lying in a ditch?
A-A brunette that told too many blonde jokes (grin).
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's tip-ex on the screen.
Q: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the tip-ex.
Q: Why don't blondes eat Jelly?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those
little packages.
Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.
Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.
Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.
Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading
her nametag) ?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"
Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A1: Because they don't know any better.
A2: They are easier to keep amused.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: "What's a light bulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart
blonde are walking down the street when they spot a £10 note.
Who picks it up?
A: None of them. The dumb blonde thought it was a gum
Wrapper and the others don't exist.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the
ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
Q: What's the blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well..
I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.
Q: How did the blonde break her arm while she was raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why don't blondes get coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to re-train them.
Q: What do an intelligent blonde and a UFO have in common.
A: You often hear about them, but you never see one.
Q: How do you get a blonde to climb up on the roof?
A: Tell her that the drinks are on the house.
Q: What's a blonde doing when she grasps at thin air?
A: Collecting her thoughts.
Q: What does a blonde use for birth control?
A: Brown hair-dye.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: "Nice tits!"
Q: HOW DO YOU KEEP A BLONDE BUSY ALL DAY
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde with PMT and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!
Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday morning?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night!
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A1: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?
A2: I don't know.
R: Neither did she.
Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.
Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.
Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with
PMT?
A: Lipstick.
Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.
Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a
flat forehead?
Guy: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
Blonde: "No, who wrote it?"
A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!
Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A1: They can't remember the number.
A2: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.
Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said
"DON'T WALK".
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.
Q: Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist?
A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should
cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I'm on a diet, and I could never eat twelve pieces anyway!."
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents
occur around the home?
A: She moved.
Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
A: To keep her stomach warm
Q: How can you tell a blonde had a bad day?
A: Her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn't know what
she did with her cigarette.
Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)
Q: What do you call a blonde wearing a leather jacket on a motorcycle?
A: Rebel without a clue.
Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.
Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A: A thought.
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?
A: She didn't know what ONE came first...
Q: What do you call a blonde without an asshole?
A: Divorced.
Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the
blow dryer!
Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.
Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!
- Blonde Medical Terminology
|
Anally -- occurring yearly Artery -- study of paintings Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails Caesarean section -- district in Rome Cat scan -- searching for kitty Cauterise -- Made eye contact with her Colic -- sheep dog Coma -- a punctuation mark Congenital -- friendly D&C -- where Washington is Dilate -- to live long Enema -- not a friend Fester -- quicker Fibula -- a small lie Genital -- non-Jewish G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game Hangnail -- coathook |
Labour pain -- got hurt at work Medical staff -- doctor's cane Morbid -- higher offer Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate Outpatient -- person who had fainted Pap smear -- fatherhood test Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis Post operative -- letter carrier Protein -- favouring young people Rectum -- damn near killed 'em Secretion -- hiding anything Seizure -- Roman emperor Serology -- study of knighthood Tablet -- small tablet Terminal illness -- sickness at airport Tumour -- an extra pair Urine -- opposite of you're out Varicose -- located nearby Vein -- conceited |
- A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie." The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"
-Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked! Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!
- A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test." "Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy. "Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter. The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!" "That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter
Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..."
- A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!":
"I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!"
-Did you hear about the blonde who:
1 had more on her body than on her mind?
2 Took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
3 got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
4 had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?
5 thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
6 was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didn't have a crazy
cat?
7 after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't just get taller
girls?
8 went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
9 brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
- A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"
-There were three women who were at the gynaecologist having pre-natal check-ups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived ?" "He was on top ", she replied. "You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.
The second woman was asked the same question. "I was on top ", was the reply. "you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.
With this, the third women, a blond, burst into tears. "What's the matter ?" asked the doc. "Am I going to have puppies ?".....
- A blonde goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband." "Does he use the ball kind?" enquired the clerk. "No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."
A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to the bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry sir. You can't bring that alligator in here! It's a dangerous animal, and you're scaring all of the patrons! True enough, the man looked around, and noticed that everyone was standing on the tables, looking very nervous. "But wait!" he cried, "this alligator is tame! It wouldn't hurt anyone!". However, the bartender is adamant. "If", the man continues, "I can prove that this alligator is not vicious, can he stay?". "Well, I guess so", says the bartender, "however, you're going to have a devil of a time proving to everyone in here that that alligator is tame!" The man smiles, and leans over the alligator. "Ralph!", he shouts, "Sit up!" With that, he beats the alligator on the head with his fist "BANG BANG BANG". And the alligator rears up on its tail. "Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG". And the alligator opened it's huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of gleaming white teeth. The man pulls out his wang, and lays it in the alligators mouth, as the entire bar crowd gasps. "Ralph! Close your mouth, but DON'T BITE! BANG BANG BANG". As the man pummels the alligator on the head, the giant mouth slowly closes, and stops juuuussttt short of biting the guys dick off. The crowd sighs, and the man says "Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG!" and the alligators mouth opens wide again. "There," says the man to the crowd, " now would anyone else like to try this?" A blonde in the back says "Yeah, I'll try, but only if your promise not to hit me on the head like you did with that".
-Once upon a time, there was a blonde who had six young boys, all of whom she named 'Jimmy'. One day, her aunt asked, Why did you name all of these boys 'Jimmy'? The blond said, So I can keep track of 'em. The aunt gave her a wild look. So you can keep track of 'em? How the heck can you do that when they're all named 'Jimmy'? The blonde looked at her aunt, shrugged and said, No problem, I just call them by their last names.
-A blonde wanted to go ice fishing; so, after reading many books on the subject and gathering all of the necessary equipment, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy foot stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, as if from the sky, a voice boomed out, HEY, YOU, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE! Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a cup of cappuccino from her Thermos, and began to cut another hole. Again, a voice boomed, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE! The blonde, now worried, moved to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and once again tried to cut the ice hole. Once more, the voice said, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE! The blonde stopped, looked skyward, and said, Who are you, God? The voice replied, NO, YOU DUMB BLONDE, I OWN THE ICE RINK!
-Three women, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, were stranded on an island. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated the distance to be about twenty miles. So, she announced that she was going to try and swim back. After swimming five miles or so, the brunette began to get tired. However, determined to keep at it, she kept going. Unfortunately, ten miles out, she became exhausted and drowned. The redhead, who was stronger than the brunette had been, decided to give it a try. After getting out about ten miles or so, she too began to get tired. Just like the brunette, she was determined to keep going; only five miles from the mainland, she too became exhausted and drowned. Now, the blonde had always been the strongest of the three. And so, after seeing how far the redhead had got, she knew that she had a good chance of making it. The blonde swam away from the island, and was making good time. She passed ten miles easily; however, when she reached fifteen, she began to get tired, too. But she kept going. Finally, after reaching nineteen miles, with the mainland only a mile away and in sight, the blonde realised that she was simply too tired to go on. So she swam back.
Blonde Slut Jokes
Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!
Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.
Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.
Q: How is a blonde like a postage stamp?
A: You lick'm, stick'em, and send'em on their way.
Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm sooo drunk!"
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
Q: What is the mating call of the brunette?
A: "All the blondes have went home, guys!"
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A: Walks home.
Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
A: Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".
Q: Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room?
A: They have to pull their own pants down.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men.
Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.
Q: What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date?
A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home.
Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
A: Her feet!
Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.
Q: How does a bitchy blonde do it doggy style?
A: She takes off her clothes and makes her boyfriend roll over and beg.
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes
Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of
sly pygmies?
A: One's a bunch a cunning runts.
Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac,
and a blonde?
A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"
The nympho says, "Are you done already?"
The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.
Q: What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment?
A: She can't say "No".
Q: Why are blondes like railway tracks?
A: They get laid all round the country
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
Q: What is foreplay for a blonde?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?
A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.
A2: Only one person can use the phone at once.
Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating blond men.
Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.
Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blondes?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...
Q: Why do blondes have vaginas?
A: So guys will talk to them at parties.
Q: Why did the blonde fail her drivers licence ?
A: She wasn't used to the front seat!
Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.
Q: What do a moped and a blond have in common?
A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.
Q: How is a blonde like a Hairdryer?
A: Turn her on and she starts to blow.
Q: Why is a blonde like a Vacuum Cleaner?
A: Turn her on and she starts to suck.
Q: How is a blonde like a Light Switch?
A: Even a six year old can turn her on.
Q: Why can't blondes count to 70?
A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.
Q: What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head ?
A: Sweet Fuck All...
Long Blonde Jokes