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-Amid all the chaos I have an hour of clarity- THE CHAOS I have two exams Monday and one on Tuesday that are looming so close. My RA (the stupid bitch) has decided to make the rest of this year at Radford hell for me. I have never been so angry at a single person in my life! After a minor clash with her I was shaking because I was so angry, what a horrible feeling- to feel this way for another human being. She and the RD are charging me with smoking marijuana in my room. Apparently they have three "witnesses" that say that they smelled marijuana in the hallway outside my door. First of all, that's not enough evidence to get me in trouble. Second, smoke drifts down this hallway so quickly and there are so many other pot smokers that live in this hall. The reason that I'm being charged is because my RA is an evil bitch. I'm going to fight this thing to its death I promise you. I called my mother about the whole mess to get advice on what to do and she called me a "fucking idiot." Not only did she call me it once but twice. She also said that she and my father were ashamed of me and that I was immature. I felt hurt I guess, that I couldn't speak frankly with my mother and have her not yell at me and give me a lecture on how I *should be* living my life. Just come out and say it mom, you wish I acted just like Taylor. And if that wasn't enough: my best friend down here told me that I was stressing him out and that he didn't want to hang out with me anymore. I looked him in the eyes and I just didn't understand how he could be saying these things to me. I don't understand what happened and I am so hurt. I just stood there like an idiot. I have invested so much of my time and love into this person and then he just turns around and says these things to me. So I left. I didn't want him to see me cry so I just walked away. THE CLARITY A boy took me to the most beautiful look out point I have ever seen in VA. I took the last of my marijuana up there so we got high and sat on this bench that was there and looked out over the hills and forest. We sat there for at least an hour and just looked at things. A herd of cows were grazing on a hill in the distance and they looked as small as beatles. We watched them graze for awhile and then we heard children yelling. We couldn't see them but it sounded like there were a lot of children were playing somewhere. As soon as we heard them yelling we saw a balloon float out of the trees and we realized that they had been yelling at each other because the balloon had gotten away. We talked about the cows and about the white truck that was parked up with them and what its purpose was. We argued about whether or not the brown animal in a yard far away was a cow or a horse. I told him that he was right, that it was a horse. I lied though... I still think that it was a cow. In that hour that I sat with him looking out across the hills and watching the cows graze was the most calming and strength giving moment I have experienced here. I felt worse as soon as we got back in the car and drove back to reality. I've never been able to deal with my problems in a healthy way. I always run away from things and lie to myself and hide myself and my problems from people. So when I have a few things going wrong at once, I will shut down because I don't know how to deal with my emotions. It's always been a problem of mine. Love Morgan |
