New Brunswickers may be surprised on June 7th when they arrive at polling stations to cast their votes and find an extra candidate on the ballot.  The Party of Childish Antics (POCA) has quietly gathered support over the last few weeks and now has a respectable chance of winning several seats in the Legislature.

POCA was formed by a Saint John idiot and water gun enthusiast known only as “Mike”.  While Mike refused to be interviewed on the grounds that this reporter is a “poopy head”, it is generally believed that Mike formed POCA when he realized after several days of screaming at passersby that the average voter is an idiot.  POCA’s motto “I Know You Are, But What Am I?” has created a groundswell of public support and many POCA candidates have surfaced across the province.

“People don’t want intelligent discourse,” explained the POCA candidate from Bathurst.  “Why get bogged down with logic when screaming, crying, and holding your breath till you pass out accomplishes far more?”  The candidate would only comment if we assured him he would not be identified.

POCA plans a march through Fredericton the weekend before the election.  Plans include toiler papering, egging, and taunting people with “My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad” signs.  More information can be obtained on their website, POCA.com.

Sagan Goes Nova

Noted scientist and popular writer Carl Sagan died at a charity dinner this week when he rapidly expanded and then imploded on himself, becoming a small black hole.  A brief crisis ensued as most of his silverware and his one remaining beef burrito were sucked into the gravity well.  The assembled guests managed to put enough distance between themselves  and Sagan’s remains to escape a similar fate.

Ironically, Sagan was one of the first writers to popularize the idea of black holes, masses so dense that not even light can escape.  Authorities are baffled at what caused the nova but assured the public that this was an extremely rare occurrence and that there is no cause for alarm.  “It must have been all the gas from those burritos,” stated one official.

But There Is One In “Kiss My Ass”.

The first anniversary of my graduation from university was just a little while ago and as it approached I prepared myself for a period of self-reflection, which  I managed to schedule in between 11:22 and lunch time on May 21.  During these 38 minutes I realized that my life is considerably different now than it was in university.  Here are some examples of these changes, and maybe  my experiences will in some way prepare those of you who are just beginning to make a similar journey.

1.  I no longer eat Beaver Foods 7 days a week.  Now, I eat a healthy assortment of TV dinners, pizza, Wendy’s, and the occasional big plate of spaghetti.  I throw away a good 1/3 of everything I buy since I never have time to eat it all before it rots away in the fridge.  And don’t get me started on dishes...

2.  My evenings used to be consumed with studying, doing assignments and other non-fun things.  I yearned for the day when I would have evenings to myself and could do all sorts of interesting things.  Now that I have the time, I have devoted myself to memorizing the plotlines from The X-Files, Ally McBeal, The Practice, Party of Five, Dawson’s Creek, The Simpsons, Futurama, The Family Guy...

3.  I used to have to make do without a nice place to live or cool electronic gizmos.  This was okay because I knew once I was making the big bucks I would make up for it.  Unfortunately, recent calculations have proven that due to my debt load I will not be able to afford these things until exactly 30 minutes before I die from old age.  But it will all be worth it then!  hahahahhahhah!

4.  During my university years I averaged about two new sexual partners a year -- hardly a staggering number.   I recently tried to calculate my average since university but my calculator won’t let me divide by zero.
And one positive one...

5.  I can finally relax at Christmas and Easter -  no more exams!

Editor’s Comment

I like movies as much as the next guy, probably even a bit more.  But the display we all witnessed last month when “that” movie was released was in my estimation one sure sign that we as a society are going downhill, and fast.  It’s just a movie, people!  Sure, it’s an event, and sure, it’s a way for some of us to relive our childhood, but let’s not get carried away.  A month from now everyone will have seen it and no one’s life will have improved as a result.

Having said that, I finally did get my hands on a copy, and it was fantastic!  Even better than the original, I Know What You Did Last Summer.

Reaction to The Supreme Court’s Decision to Redefine “Spouse” to Include Homosexual Couples

“Wildly entertaining!” - The Windsor Chronicle
“I couldn’t tear my eyes away!” - The Chronicle-Herald
“Nauseating!” - The Alberta Free Press
“A roller-coaster ride - truly dynamic!” - The Telegraph Journal
“There should have been more nudity!” -The Toronto Sun
”Queer Loving Commie Canucks Give Rights to Butt Pirates” - Soldier of Fortune Magazine
“Why?  Why me?  Why?  Ahhhh!!” - Nancy Kerrigan
“Yeah..... Now what is that, exactly?” - The Ladies’ Man, Leon Phelps
“Bold and audacious, kept the audience guessing.” -  Roger Ebert
“Like a kick in the groin!”  - Preston Manning

Obligatory Star Wars Review

I vowed to myself that I wouldn’t even try and see Star Wars until a week or so into its run.  But by the 20th, the day after it opened, my inner child (his name is Gary) was throwing such a tantrum that I couldn’t ignore him any longer.  So, I cautiously approached the movie lineup...  and realized that there wasn’t any!  I was somewhat surprised, and also disturbed.  What about the ticket scalping, the endless lineups, the hype?  In Peterborough, apparently, it was nothing more than that.  But another nagging thought popped into my head:  maybe it sucks!

By now I assume that anyone of you who really wanted to see it has, so I won’t be guarding plot secrets too closely here.  If you haven’t seen it, maybe you should skip this.

Here’s my take on it:  Not as good as the others, but not too bad.  I found the acting pretty atrocious.  Even the “good” actors - Liam Neeson and Ewan McGregor -- were pretty limited, and that Jake Lloyd was god-awful.  It seemed like no one had any real personality, and that’s what really set this one apart from the others.  All the story elements were there, and the special effects were there, but I didn’t care about any of the characters.

There were some memorable moments - the pod race was pretty good, the big light saber battle at the end with Darth Maul was pretty good - and there were some very boring stretches.

The special effects were for the most part excellent, but I still have a problem with using too many digital effects, especially for main characters.  I cringed almost every time Jar Jar was on screen, and not only because he was annoying as hell.  He was too obviously computer generated.  And I felt like I was watching Antz during that big battle between those amphibians and the battle droids.  The only “real” thing on screen was the grass.

The one thing that made the movie really interesting were the additions to the “mythology” of Star Wars.  Was Anakin the product of some “immaculate conception”?  What’s with these life-forms floating around in everyone’s blood?  Who knew that Darth Vader had built C3PO?  And why doesn’t Obi-Wan remember owning R2-D2?  Is he senile by Episode 4?

We all know what’s going to happen in the next two movies:  Senator Palpatine (also Darth Maul’s master, in case you didn’t catch that) will overthrow the Republic and become the yellow eyed Emperor we all know and love from the other movies;  Obi-Wan will try and teach Anakin, and fail miserably;  Anakin will marry the Queen and have a couple of kids;  and turtles will conquer the world!  Alright, I made the last one up...  Anyway, that’s all I have to say about that...

This Week’s Biography:  The Universe

The Universe started life as a very dense dot.  Time had no meaning, so no one can say exactly how long the Universe existed in this form, but it was probably a long frickin’ time.  Then about 10 billion years ago the Universe got tired of being so dense and blew itself up.  We call this the Big Bang.

The Universe then spent its next 3 or 4 billion years spinning, whirling, and emitting gases.  As far as entertainment goes, this was a great improvement over the time it had spent as a very dense dot.  It greatly enjoyed this period and in retrospect wouldn’t  have minded doing it forever.  But with age came maturity and it realized that it should do something constructive with its life.  So it created stars.

Creating stars was a real hoot.  By stopping the swirling and spinning in certain areas, it got some gases to combine together and eventually get so dense that they formed big glowing balls.  These glowing balls were then spun and whirled around, creating a kick ass light show.

While the Universe may seem very powerful to observers, it’s skill set is actually quite limited.  As you may have already noticed, it consists mainly of spinning, whirling, expanding, and contracting.  Useful skills for a Universe, but not very practical for, say, a middle manager.

So the Universe went on it’s merry way, contracting bits of rock and dust into planets.  It set these whirling about the glowing balls in what was becoming a more and more intricate and complicated visual display.

After several more billion years, though, even this got tedious.  So the Universe looked in on some planets and combined just the right amounts of carbon and molecules and created tiny unicellular organisms.  These flourished, and almost overnight (as far as the Universe was concerned) evolved into diverse species covering many thousands of planets.

One species on one planet was particularly advanced and created “gangsta rap”, a type of music which the Universe particularly enjoyed.

Future plans for the Universe include spinning, whirling, and eventually contracting into a small dot for its retirement.

If Men’s Magazines Did Headlines the Way Women’s Magazines Do...

“Four Dreaded Words:  We Need To Talk”
“The 2 Minute Female Orgasm:  Nature’s Miracle”
“Does Your Woman Deserve You?”
“How To Bury Your Emotions Deep, Deep Inside”
“Home Decorating  Tips:  Alcohol Bottles and Stolen Street Signs”
“Where’s That Stench Coming From?  An Apartment Dweller’s Guide”
“10 Days to a Smaller Gut”
“The Quiz:  Your Beer-Q”
“Yes, You Are The Best She’s Ever Had”
“What Women Say and What They Mean:  Any Connection?”
“‘Do I Look Fat In This?’ And Other Questions You Should Never Answer ‘Yes’ To”
“Directions:  The Last Resort”

Reader Survey

     Please take a few moments to answer the following questions:

My favourite thing about the UCC is:
a)  the accurate and thought-provoking biographies.
b)  the way it just fits in the bottom of my birdcage.
c)  the way it reminds me how much I hate Ron.

If you were an animal, which one would you be?
a)  A monkey
b)  An anteater
c)  A turtle

Starting from point A, a man walks 1 mile south, 1 mile west, and then 1 mile north, ending up at point A.  He is then attacked and killed by a bear.  What colour is the bear?
a)  Brown
b)  Black
c)  White with red streaks

If a tree falls on a mime in the forest, does either make a sound?

If God is omnipotent, can he create a rock so heavy he can’t lift it?
a) No
b) Yes
c)  No, but he can have people who ask these types of questions murdered in their sleep.

If seventeen turtles were stacked on top of one another, would the bottom turtle think to itself  “Hey, I’m really packin’ on the pounds...”?

Who would win a fair fight between Christopher Reeve, Stephen Hawking, and Calista Flockhart?
a)  Christopher Reeve, he’s still Superman to me.
b)  Stephen Hawking, he would overcome all obstacles with his incredible intellect.
c)  Calista Flockhart, she would continue to complain about how unfair her life is and the other two would kill themselves.
d)  A draw between Reeve and Hawking - Flockhart would collapse from malnutrition and the other two would take turns running over her limp body.

Editor’s Note

This is normally where I would insert a weird story or letter from a reader.  Since apparently no one had the time in their busy schedules to send anything in, I’m going to have to finish off this issue with an article about emu farming written completely in Greek.  Maybe that’ll learn ya.  Also, if Steve Myers or Shane Goguen are reading this, please email me.  Until next time...

Ben is a Gay Homosexual

Alright, you have caught me.  This isn’t about emu farming at all. It is in fact a treatise on the homosexuality of Ben Crowell, Chaser of Electrons and all things shiny.

Unfortunately, I’m almost out of space, so I will cut this short.