The Story of Sammy The American

Raised by immigrant parents, Sammy learned the value of hard work and honesty but struggled with the concept of humility.  It was hard for him to remain humble because he was the best at everything he did -  he won every race, fight, and girl he set his sights on.

When he was in his teens a big bully named Adolf from a town across the river started beating up and intimidating people all over the county.  At first Sammy figured it was none of his business and kept to his own affairs.  But as more and more people were hospitalized and terrorized by the bully, Sammy finally realized he should do something to help.  He crossed the river and took Adolf on.  It was a long, drawn-out fight and Sammy got beat up pretty badly, but in the end he finally prevailed.

This taught Sammy a valuable lesson:  With great strength comes great responsibility.  So as Sammy entered his adult years, he took on other bullies, sometime winning, sometimes losing.  Finally, after years of fighting, the county became a more peaceful place.

Years and years went by, and Sammy grew contented in his middle age.  But then turmoil came again:  a crazy Arab tried to take over the only gas station around!  Well Sammy needed gas for his ride-on lawnmower, so he went down to the gas station to see what he could do.

Now the gas station owner was a feeble old man and wasn’t much of a challenge for the surly Arab.  Sammy stood outside the gas station and warned the Arab to give up and go back home, but he wouldn’t listen.  He was crazy, after all.  Finally, Sammy lost patience: He reached down, picked up a nice round rock and nailed the crazy Arab square in the forehead with it, knocking him out cold.  He didn’t even break a sweat!  And people from all over the county thought Sammy was a great guy for saving their gas station.

After his great victory, Sammy’s head got a bit too big for his shoulders.  "Hey, I’m big and strong," he thought.  "I can do anything!"  So when he heard that a guy in Serbia City was abusing his own family members, he saw another opportunity to prove himself.  So he jumped on his ride-on lawnmower and stood outside this guy’s house, throwing rocks at it.

"Screw off!" yelled the guy inside the house.  "Not until you stop beating up your wife and kids!" replied Sammy.  Well the guy inside the house was pretty stubborn, much more stubborn than the crazy Arab.  Instead of just capitulating to Sammy’s demands, he threw some of his kids out of the house, screaming "You care about them so much?  You can have them then!"

Well Sammy wasn’t ready for that at all.  He didn’t want to take care of someone else’s kids!  So he started shooting arrows at the guy’s house.  And it didn’t help at all.  In fact, the guy inside the house actually had the gall  to shoot down one of Sammy’s arrows with a slingshot!  Sammy couldn’t believe it!  He had paid for that arrow with his own hard earned money!

The crazy Arab incident had made Sammy forget one important thing:  throwing rocks at your enemy usually only works in fairy tales and Bible stories.  And he was no David, and this guy was no crazy Arab.  He was too tough to take down from the safety of the street.

And that’s where our story ends, at least for now.  What will Sammy do?  Will he continue throwing rocks at the man in Serbia City, trying to collapse his roof?  Or will he take the risk of getting a bloody nose, walk into his house, and put this guy out of commission?

No one knows for sure yet, but everyone has gathered to watch the spectacle.  The TV cameras are everywhere, piping live footage and colour commentary into every home and government office in the county.  And whatever Sammy finally decides to do, the whole county will be watching.  Especially the bullies.
 

Graduate Update

Shane Goguen has purchased a new vehicle at an unbelievably low price and begins his articles next month.  He plans on devoting most of his time to his work and ridding himself of his Oedipus complex.

Steve Myers is finally going to graduate this term and has no concrete plans.  He hopes to do some supply teaching and lifeguarding, perhaps at the same time.  He may also end up in British Columbia at some point because they have "kick ass weed" there.

Jason "Fuzzy" Frezell may well put his academic career behind him this spring.  Either he will graduate or they won’t let him back.  We’re rooting for graduation.
 

Audience Member Accuses Talk Show Participant of Not Being "All That"

According to inside sources, the trouble started when guest panelist Latitia Jackson attested that  "I’m all that!"  It was then that Lashondra Williams, an audience member, made her shocking accusation:  "You not all that!  You nothing but a skanky ‘ho!"  The other audience members seemed to concur, as they clapped and cheered wildly.

As it turns out, this is not the first time Ms. Williams has accused people of not being "all that".  She has been charged with slander three times, but each time the charges have been dropped due to lack of evidence.  Police are optimistic that this time, with evidence on tape, the charges will stick.

"We can’t have people wandering the streets throwing this kind of allegation around casually," stated Chicago District Attorney Derek Surrett.  "These are serious accusations that can damage a person’s street cred."

After the initial exchange between Ms. Jackson and Ms. Williams things heated up even further.  Ms. Jackson waggled her head from side to side and suggested to Ms. Williams "shut your mouth and mind your bidness. I didn’t axe you no questions" to which Ms. Williams replied "Talk to the hand!  Talk to the hand!" and reminded her that "You don’t want me to come down there!"  Ms. Williams was apparently mistaken as Ms. Jackson invited her to go down there, an invitation she accepted.  Several heavily muscled staff members eventually separated the two women.

Mr. Springer was shocked by the violent turn of events.  "This is a very civilized show.  We were all shocked to see that kind of violence, which may be why it took us so long to break it up.  We just couldn’t believe what we were seeing!"

Ms. Williams will be arraigned some time early next week at the Chicago courthouse.

While the editor would like to take full credit for the above story, he has to admit he got the idea from a similar story in the book "Our Dumb Century", put together by the staff of The Onion.  The Onion is a satirical newspaper that some of you may have already heard of.  If not, do yourself a favour and head to www.theonion.com and take a look.  It is similar to the kind of stuff I write here, only much much better.
 

Hairstylists:  Minions of Satan

1. The Edinburgh Shear
This is when the hairstylist listens intently to the instructions you give her  and then proceeds to give you the same haircut she gives everyone:  short on the sides, short on top.
 
1. The Emperor’s New Haircut
In many ways the complete opposite of the Edinburgh Shear:  She cuts and scrapes and buzzes and fusses, and when she finally finishes 45 minutes later you look exactly the same way you did when she started.  Only you’re 15 bucks poorer.
 
1. The Cookbook Haircut
This is not so much a haircut as a haircutting style.  The hairstylist who delivers this beauty typically has an IQ of about 35.  She cannot form complex sentences or carry out more than one directive at a time.  So you have to guide her step by step through the entire haircutting process:  "Cut some off the sides with the clippers.  Now take the comb and the scissors and work on the top.  Watch out for the ears!...", etc.  The upside:  you might get a good haircut out of the deal.  The downside:  only if you yourself are a hairstylist and can manage to give the right directions.
 
1. The Metamorphoses
You enter the salon looking like an average white guy.  The haircut may even go well, and you dare to start hoping:  Maybe I’ll get out of this one looking okay!  Wrong:  Invariably, at the very end of the process the stylist takes it upon herself to "remake you" in her own image:  She adds gel, or Brylcream, then hauls out the hairdryer and teases your hair into a beautiful fluffy afro.  Or she flattens it down until you look like one of those heroin addicted models in a Calvin Klein ad.  One woman actually asked me "Do you want some wax or pomade in that?" at the end of a session.  As you leave the salon and rush to the nearest bathroom to try and repair the damage before the laughing and ridiculing starts, you wonder, "Did I look like this on the way in?"  The answer, of course, is no.  Which is proof that hairstylists are either incredibly stupid or minions of Satan.

Headlines From Around the World

This Month’s Biography:  Ben Crowell, Canadian Gigolo

To make ends meet, Crowell was frozen in carbonite in his early teens and sold to wealthy Greek industrialists to be used as a lawn ornament.  During a power failure in the ‘70s he escaped  long enough to learn the arcane art of disco dancing.

He was quickly recaptured and re-frozen, this time in a nifty Travolta-esque pose.

Crowell’s mother had passed away in the ‘50s but she had not forgotten her son.  She had placed all of her meager earnings in a trust fund which by 1984 had accumulated enough interest to buy his freedom from the Greeks.

Newly released into a strange and wondrous world, Crowell hid for several years in the forest where he slowly acclimatized himself to his new surroundings.  When he felt he was ready to rejoin humanity, he shot his wife (a 4 year old doe) and ate her.

Crowell found a family who would take him in for a modest fee and began attending high school.  He was a quick learner and astounded his teachers with his brilliant wordplay and feats of strength.

After high school he went directly into an electrical engineering program at the University of New Brunswick where he met several people, including the ex-mascot of the University of Saskatchewan.  It was here that Ben truly came into his own.

At first Ben spent his time chasing electrons and playing Doom II on his computer.  He soon realized that this was no way to get chicks and ran for a position on the residence house committee, which he won.  Here he learned the true meaning of the word "patronage" and the phrase "power is the ultimate aphrodisiac."

After luring almost 700 young women into his bed in a mere 3 years, Ben got tired of the whole pickup scene and decided to only date women who were already attached.  This would cut down on his time requirements and accommodate his almost pathological fear of commitment.

After university Ben moved to Upper Canada where he enjoyed a long and prosperous life before being killed in a horrible asynchronous transfer mode accident.  His mother had always warned him "Look both ways before you cross the information superhighway!"
 

Next Month’s Biography:  Shane Goguen, International Man of Mystery