His mother’s neuroses made Earl’s home life miserable and he vowed that he would escape Tree 3,455 as soon as he was physically capable of getting his nuts in a row. At the tender age of 9 months he set out.
Earl faced some difficult times after leaving home. He tried to get into the squeegee business but was faced with several obstacles, not the least of which was a lack of thumbs or being only six inches tall. All the restaurants and fast food joints he applied for work at considered him “vermin” and “a rodent”, hurtful prejudices which threw Earl into a deep depression.
For several months Earl wandered through a heroin induced haze selling himself on the street to support his habit. Sadly, Earl had not realized that female squirrels rarely have a need for prostitutes and found himself being hired by burly black male squirrels to perform all manner of ungodly and unnatural acts. One night, lying in a ditch beside a huge wharf rat, Earl realized he had to get his life back together.
Earl managed to hitchhike out to the country where he spent two months
living in a hay barn, living off seeds and blue jays. Once
he had his strength back and the withdrawal pains had subsided he began
working on his music career. While he had never had much interest
in music before, his drug experiences had opened his mind to new sonic
realities, something he believed he could put to good use.
Earl eventually formed a band and they recorded their first hit, “Pass
The Fifth”, in April 1994. The song was a huge success around campfires
and campus radio stations, but the follow up singles “Pass the Sixth” and
“Pass the Seventh” were somewhat less successful.
Earl eventually retired and was hit by a school bus in late 1998.
The editor admits he has absolutely no grounds for these claims. As far as he knows Ben has never had any type of homosexual experience. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
It has been brought to the editor’s attention that Mr. Crowell is fond
of long walks, daiquiris, and words beginning with the letter “N”.
What happened to the guy we knew?
A new woman every night
Amanda came and tamed the beast
The beast gave up the fight
O woe! There is no hope left now
The deed is all but done
No matter how far Rikki goes
Amanda’s sure to run
Soon there will be little Rikkis
Working very near
‘Cause Sobey’s hires young kids too
Let’s all get wrecked on beer
On beer, on gin, on rum and coke
on blue caracoa, on cataloupes
On huge cigars and king sized tokes
Okay, no tokes, we’ll stick to smokes
So live today for tomorrow we die
And Rikky sooner that later
But always he will retain the title
The world’s greatest masturbator.
Best of luck, big guy.