If Men Really Ruled The World

If Men Really Ruled The World (from November 1998 issue of Maxim
magazine)

-Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your
call to her real number.

-Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response
to "I love you."

-Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

-When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd
appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

-Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice
hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

-Birth control would come in ale or lager.

-You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd
worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."

-Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of
your choice.

-The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

-"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an
acceptable excuse for tardiness.

-At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your
window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car
like Fred Flintstone.

-It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned
helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

-Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public
ugliness" ordinance.

-Tanks would be far easier to rent.

-Garbage would take itself out.

-Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

-Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your
wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

-Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur
in leap years.

-On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go
drinking. Mother's Day, too.

-St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
But it would be celebrated every month.

-Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the
pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

-Two words: Ally McNaked.

-Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off
the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world
history.

-The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the
losers.

-The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night
Football from a Different Camera Angle.

-It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you
returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

-Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

-When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded
with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

-Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."

-The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

-People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

-Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

-Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

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