================================================================================
>:::The following added 1999/08/05 03:45 by JY01STU
>:: Vacuum boy                         B. S. E.

             VACUUMBOY'S FIRST DAY OF STUDENT TEACHING
    As the students slowly filed into the classroom one by one,
Vacuumboy greeted them at the door and handed them a three by five card.
Once all the seats had been filled, save one, and the clock read ten,
Vacuumboy shut the door and locked it.
    "I'd like to thank you all for coming," Vacuumboy began as he wrote
his name and the course's name on the board. "I am your instructor,
Vacuumboy. I am a student teacher, which means that I teach you while
taking classes on my own. I am also a full-fledged superhero, while most
of you are sill just sidekicks looking to break out on your own or the
children of superheroes looking to follow in the footsteps of your
parents/adoptive parents."
    One student in the back whispered to her neighbor, "Somebody told me
that our teacher is just a glorified janitor, and I believe them. My
brother was on his team and he got killed, and Vacuumboy didn't even go
to the funeral. He fed us some line about being in another dimension
forced to fight villains to entertain an omnipotent race, but I
don't..."
    "Hey back there!" said Vacuumboy loudly. "This is not one of your
regular high school courses. This is an AP course where you will be
expected to act like real college students. So no talking!"
    "Sorry."
    "What's your name?" Vacuumboy asked the girl.
    "Heartless Bitch is my superhero name. I can make men feel degraded
with just a look. But my real name is Frig Id. I think you know my
brother Tim. He was..."
    "Alright, who can tell me the cardinal rule of superheroing that
Frig just broke?" Vacuumboy asked the class. A few moments passed and
no one spoke. "Come on, folks. In this class we have to have open
discussion, so somebody just go right ahead and speak up."
    Still no one spoke, and Vacuumboy said, "I can wait just as long as
you can." After another few moments of silence, a hand went up in the
front row. "Yes, you," Vacuumboy said, pointing to the young man whose
hand was raised.
    "She gave away her secret identity without having to be asked?" the
student replied.
    "Excellent. Folks, that's why it's called a secret identity. No one
can know. Usually it's a good idea not even to tell other heroes. You
have to be able to stand up to severe torture and still not give up the
info. Heartless Bitch back there volunteered the info without me even
asking for it!"
    Heartless Bitch then looked up at Vacuumboy, and he in response
swallowed timidly and said, "Anyway let's move on." His voice cracked
and he had to clear his throat before he continued. "The whole name
thing is important and that's why I handed you the cards as you came in.
I need you to fill out that card, with all the vital info about
yourself. Your hero name, your powers, your secret id, your origin, your
class schedule, that sort of thing."
    The same student in the front row raised his hand again and said,
"But we can't write our secret identities on this card. What if a
supervillain raids your office or something?"
    Vacuumboy smiled. "smart lad. That was a bit of a test for you all.
Leave that bit off, but keep all the rest of the stuff I said."
    As the students wrote on the cards, Vacuumboy walked up to the
student in the front row and said, "What's your name, kiddo?"
    The student replied, "Untimely Death Necessary to Further the Plot
Lad."
    Vacuumboy frowned. "I'm sorry," he said sympathetically.
    "It's what they gave me," said the student. "What can you do?"
    Another student in the back of the room raised his hand. "Excuse me.
Is this the powered or non-powered section of the class?"
    "Do you have any devices that give you power or perhaps a robotic
suit of armor or something?" Vacuumboy asked.
    "No, just my highly trained and honed athletic self," said the
student. "I'm an Olympic gymnast and have above average strength and
agility, as well as a lot of money."
    "But that's it?" Vacuumboy asked. "No laser gloves or x-ray glasses
or anything?" When the student shook his head, Vacuumboy replied, "Then
you want the non-powered section. It meets across campus."
    As the student left, Vacuumboy shook his head sadly and said aloud
to the class, "You'd have to be crazy to get into this business without
any real powers. Sure, Batman can strike fear into the hearts of
criminals, but he's Batman! He doesn't need more than himself and his
utility belt. The rest of us need a boost. It's a real shame. You know
nine out of ten of tem will be killed in their first year. A real
shame."
    Just then a student came to the door and pulled on the handle to
find it locked. The student knocked hard on the door and pulled it again
and again until finally Vacuumboy came and opened it for him.
    "Can you explain why you're late?" Vacuumboy asked the flushed young
boy.
    "Well, I accidentally went to the non-powered section."
    "Have a seat. Fill out the card. And next time be on time."
    "I don't think that'll be possible, sir," said the student.
    "Why not?" asked Vacuumboy.
    "For I am Watch Never Seems to Work Right Boy!" the student replied.
    "OK." Vacuumboy said as he walked around the room collecting the
students' cards. "What does everyody think about that name? Anyone?"
When no one in the class replied, Vacuumboy flipped through the cards.
"Um... Trippin' Girl? What do you think?"
    "Well," said Trippin' Girl. "Um... it's accurate?"
    "Good. Yes it is. Say, Watch Never Seems to Work Right Boy? Is it
evryone's watches who don't work when you're around or just yours?"
    "Everyone's."
    "So Watches would be more accurate then Watch but still it's pretty
accurate," Vacuumboy said. "Anyone else?" He flipped through the cards.
"Upstairs Man?"
    "Um, it's sort of long." said the student.
    "Very true," Vacuumboy replied. "You have to have a name describes
your power well, but is also short enough for a teammate to shout in a
warning. "Look out for the death ray, Watch Never Seems to Work Right
Boy!" is just too long to give you time to actually avoid the ray."
    "It's not very awe-inspiring," Untimely Death Lad chimed in.
    "True, but a lot of superhero names aren't," Vacuumboy replied.
"Superman even isn't that awe-inspiring a name on its own. It's really
all in how you carry yourself."
    "What about the boy part?" asked Heartless Bitch as she stared hard
at Vacuumboy. "It's hard to be taken seriously by supervillains if
you're just a boy."
    "True, and I would not be telling you the truth if I didn't tell you
that, as someone who has suffered from ths syndrome myself, I feel some
sour grapes when the subject is raised myself," said Vacuumboy. "I just
wish someone had told me back when I began that I shouldn't go the boy
route."
    "What if you're a sidekick and get stuck with the child part of the
name?" asked a student named Kid Wicker.
    "Or if you're the 2nd or 3rd generation of superhero?" asked Son of
Sam I Am.
    "Those names are easy to change when you grow up. You change your
costume, and everything will be fine," said Vacuumboy. "But the rest of
us are just screwed. We usually have to change our powers to change our
names. But then again you have to realize that we superheroes have about
the same shelf life as a professional athlete. We'll probably be dead or
forced to retire early on anyway, so the boy or girl part of the name
doesn't matter that much."
    "What about Superboy?" asked a student in the back.
    "And Invisible Girl?" asked another.
    "Or Kid Flash?" asked yet another student.
    "All valid questions," Vacuumboy replied. "Kid Flash grew up and
took over the Flash name. Easy to do, 'cause he was a sidekick. Same
deal with Robin becoming Nightwing. Invisible Girl was a member of a tem
so it was easier for her to become a Woman. And Superboy doesn't count
'cause he's pre-Crisis."
    "Anyway," Vacuumboy said as he looked at his watch, "I wanted to do
a name exercise in class but we seem to have run out of time."
    "I've still got ten minutes 'til," said Weird Stuff Man.
    "I've got midnight on mine," said another student.
    "Sorry," said Watch Never Seems to Work Right Boy.
    "Well, we'll just listen to the chimes of Academic's bells," said
Vacuumboy. As the bells chimed, VB counted silently the spaces between
each time and recorded mentally each of the notes. When it had finished
ringing, Vacuumboy said, "I'm sorry class. We have to dismiss early."
    "Why?" asked Trippin' Girl.
    "Because the university just sent me a secret signal that there has
been another murder by the Sodexho Slasher," Vacuumboy answered.
    "What, using the bells?" asked Upstairs Man.
    Vacuumboy nodded. "Next time in class, we'll talk about signal
devices, what works, what doesn't, why the Bat-signal is too dependent
on the weather, and why the JLa's devices could be traced through
Ameritech paging to their secret headquarters. Oh, and pick up a copy of
the illustrated novel Watchmen. It's required reading for the class as
it shows very realistically some of the problems we'll all deal with
everyday. There just might be a pop quiz over it soon." And with these
words, he left
    After he was gone, some of the students grumbled about the prospects
of an upcoming quiz over such a long piece of text. Suddenly a
freshman ran into the classroom out of the hall and spoke to these
students. "Do some of you feel as if the heroes of this campus don't do
enough? These Sodexho killings have kept coming and coming and the
heroes act like they're no big deal. Not to mention all the bulletin
board fires and marker thefts the heroes ignore."
    "Hey," said Heartless Bitch. "I heard that Vacuumboy caused the
destruction of the Sprigg Street Gazette."
    "If you believe that these heroes don't actually care about us,"
said the freshman, "then follow me, Buddy Levi Wrangler Jr., as I file
charges against Vacuumboy and have him brought to justice for his crimes
against us!"
    Several of the students cheered and followed the Denim Denizen clone
out of the room. Others remained discussing what they could do to save
their trusted mentor. "I know!" said one. "We'll send word to the Capaha
Arrow's superhero, the Media Watchdog. He should be able to help!" And
with that the rest of the fledgling heroes left.
                            THE END