================================================================================ >:::The following added 1998/11/16 21:51 by JY01STU >:: Vacuum boy I hate Dr. Clark!!!! THE HUNTER vs. HANDS MCGALLIGAN Years ago, when the Hunter was but a young man still fresh to the campus and still occasionally one to partake in senseless destruction, his paths crossed with many a villain and many a hero. Here is one such untold tale of the Hunter's exploits as an anti-hero. "By the loincloth of my uncle Conan," the Hunter exclaimed, "This food is awful! The Hunter had been living on campus for only a few days at this time, and had not yet come to expect extreme suckiness of the meals he received in the cafeteria. thus it came to him as an extreme surprise wh en he was confronted with macaroni and cheese that tasted like garlic, brown lettuce on the salad bar, and mayonnaise warm from sitting out all day. "Someone will pay for this gross insurrection upon my bowels!" the Hunter cried as he leapt up from the table. He ran to the front of the cafeteria to return his tray and was confronted with an intriguing device. "What's this?" the Hunter said, pondering the rotating tray return device. "How interesting! You apparently put your dirty dishes here in the slot, the device spins around and someone takes the dishes off of it in the back and washes them! I am awe-struck at this strange but amazing device!" The Hunter returned his tray to the device. Unfortunately he did not push it far enough in, and when the rotors had spun around, the tray jammed itself in at the edge of where the device met the wall, and one of its arms subsequently shattered and burst into flames. thought the spirit that inhabited the device. But while this spirit was becoming aware of its villainy for the first time, the Hunter had proceeded onward to where the cafeteria manager stood. "Who do I speak to about the awful food here?" he asked the tall man wearing a white shirt and black tie. "well, I guess you could fill out this comment card," said the manager. "Comment card! Pah!" The Hunter spat at him. "I want results, not to become a part of this university's bureaucracy! Let me talk to the head chef!" "Uh, well, could you come back after his shift?" asked the cafeteria manager. "he's sort of busy right now." "Oh, yes! I will return! Oh, yes!" shouted the Hunter as he ran out. The manager ran back to the cooking area. "Hey, McGalligan! One of the students was here looking for you! He seemed pretty mad!" McGalligan stepped out from behind his grill to reveal that he had sixteen hands on each of his arms, four coming out of his stomach and four coming out of his back. Each hand was busily going about its business trying to cook a meal. "I'm trying to cook here!" shouted Hands McGalligan. "If this guy has issues with the way I'm cooking, he can shove 'em up his arse! I really couldn't care any less!" Suddenly the ninth hand on Hands' right arm, which had been holding a piece of bread the right hand was buttering, twitched, and the bread fell to the floor. "Dammit!" McGalligan said as he bent over to pick it up. As he did so, the third hand coming out of his stomach, which had been trying to put a dab of paprika on the fries, spilled the paprika all over everything Hands was cooking. McGalligan stood back up with the piece of bread, put some cheese on it and put it on the grill. Seeing this occur angered the manager. "Look! You can't keep doing that! I'm going to get fired if anybody else complains and then I'll have to manage the McDonalds on Broadway! I don't think you appreciate how much it would suck to work there!" Hey LOOK!" shouted McGalligan. "The university could have just hired more cooks rather than trying to genetically engineer the super cook! It's not my fault that your gene-grafting didn't work and my hands aren't 100%!" Meanwhile, the Hunter had gone back to his room, fuming. "Oh, yes! I'll return to the cafeteria! And then that cook will pay!" he screamed. But suddenly he realized. He had no weapon with which to bludgeon the cook! And every good berserker needs a club of some sort! but just as suddenly the solution came to him. The Hunter went over to his bunked beds and with a massive burst of strength pulled them apart. He grabbed one of the thingees that held the beds together. "Yes," he said, fondling his new toy. "This thing will do nicely. For now. But I better come across a better weapon soon. This thing is too lame to become my permanent weapon!" And, having spoken these words, the Hunter rushed out of his room againto go to the cafeteria again and teach the head chef a much needed lesson. ================================================================================ >:::The following added 1998/11/30 13:53 by JY01STU >:: Vacuum boy I hate Dr. Clark!!!! When the Hunter finally returned to the cafeteria, the lights had been dimmed and the only sound coming from inside was the soft hum of the floor buffer. For some reason, the video jukebox system wasn't on, a fact that surprised the Hunter. Usually the only times it did work correctly were when the cafeteria was closed. With one quick motion, Jared cleared the fence around the cafeteria and lunged into attack postion. "By my clogging feet, I swear I will find whoeveris responsiblefor this gross insurrection that they deem worthy to call a meal," he grumbled under his breath. "YOU THERE!" he shouted heartily at the cafeteria worker operating the floor buffer. "Direct me to that fiend who calls himself head cook! I shall dance upon his grave before the night is through!" And Jared promptly executed a little clog type of dance to demonstrate how he would celebrate over the bones of his fallen foe. "you call that a jig?" the cafeteria worker laughed. "I'm not the least bit afraid of you, dancing boy!" The Hunter reddened when faced with the worker's mockery and he thought to himself, "I must remember to never clog again, as it makes me appear less manly to my foes." Then the Hunter noticed that the worker was somehow using the floor buffer behind his back. "how do you accomplish such an amazing feat?" the Hunter cried, marveling at the worker's skill at buffing the floor while facing the opposite way. "i'm a genetic freak, that's how," said the worker and he turned to reveal that he had a multitude of hands coming out of every part of his body. "The school engineered me to be their head cook, and now I'm becoming some sort of freak. Hands are popping out of my body every couple of seconds now." Suddenly a hand appeared where the worker's nose had once been. "See?" said the worker. "you're the head cook?" the Hunter cried increduously. "Then you are the one who must be made to pay!" And he pounced forward, bedstilt in hand, on top of McGalligan. McGalligan's many hands began swatting at Jared all the while he was in turn fustigating McGalligan himself. "don't blame me! Blame the university!" Hands McGalligan screamed as Jared continued beating him down. "You're the one who cooks poorly! You're the one who must be punished!" Jared shouted in reply. Finally McGalligan stopped moving. The Hunter stood over his body and laughed heartily. "There! Now the school's food will never taste bad again!" Jared started to clog on his corpse but thought that someone might be watching and make fun of him for his dancing, so he left. The next day the manager of the cafeteria came in in the morning and saw Hands McGalligan's dead body lying in the middle of the floor. "They're going to fire me for sure," he thought anxiously. "I might as well beat them to the punch." the manager walked away silently, his head hanging low. And as he left the building, he headed across campus to Broadway, where he would forever reside as a manager of the McDonalds there. After the manager had left, the Mangler took action. It leapt forward when no one was around and ate the corpse of Hands McGalligan. "yummy!" it thought to itself. "I like the taste of blood! I want more of it!!!!" The Mangler was ready to break free and wreak havoc on the campus when the new head manager of the cafeteria arrived. "Foiled again!" the Mangler thought. "Oh well! I'll just lie here in wait for the Hunter to provide me with another victim to devour." And the Hunter, once he had returned to his room, looked carefully at the stilt he still held in his hand, covered in McGalligan's blood. "Perhaps I was a bit hasty in deeming this weapon unsuitable," he thought to himself. "This little stilt will come in handily when I need to beat things into mush. Yes!" he now spoke aloud. "From this day forward, I will wield this stilt, smashing everything that gets in my way! And should it some day be taken from me, stolen or shot into space even, I swear I will search it out! It is my decree that I and this stilt will never be separated again! And I will never let my beloved stilt be harmed! So sweareth the Hunter!!!!" ================================================================================ >:::The following added 1998/11/30 13:54 by JY01STU >:: Vacuum boy I hate Dr. Clark!!!! THE END