AXEMAN.
By Fred Harry

He wasn't. Unfortunately he was either nervous or genuinely believed that his particular style would enthrall us. The aforementioned style consisted of introducing himself and explaining how well he was acquainted with various members of Uniben confraternities. We were not impressed and expressed it in that unique FGC way by whistling. For the non-FGC Pitakwans or those who were born too late let me explain about whistling. When a particularly offensive statement was made it was greeted with whistles. This was called whistling Biokpo, and was named in memory of Biokpo George an individual so dry that he could have set up an efficient snow prevention service in the Arctic and so rhymeless birds were known to stutter in his presence. However I digress.

The Axeman (so named for reasons that become clear later on) being new did not know the meaning of the whistle. Either he didn't hear it or took it to be sign of wonder and admiration because he then listed the members of his family and social circle who were ranking members of various cliques. He then categorized them in order of those deceased, in detention and in hiding. This did not go down well with the class, the born again's realized that their Geography future was in the hands of a man who by his own admission consorted with the devil and most likely changed form at night and sucked blood. The apprentice cult members (i.e. those who vowed to join cults at the slightest provocation and routinely wore odd assortments of clothes claiming that they were some sort of rank insignia) saw this as a threat to their monopoly of all things cultish. The non-academic students saw this as someone who rather than telling them to scrub toilets for not submitting assignments would ensure they slept with the fishes (or cockroaches). The non-aligned students, those who were both dubious and studious saw this as an insult to the intelligence. Unfortunately Bro Axeman was ignorant to the mood swings of the class, he then went on to discuss the merits of axes as close combat weapons (hence the name).

The bell rang for short break. We had not learned any Geography. Arguments broke out in class as to the fellow�s bona fides some saw him as a dangerous character to be treated with respect; others saw him as a windbag, arguing that a real cult member would not advertise his affiliations.

All this was academic though for at the next class we got an interesting show. Axeman was halfway through teaching relief features when ObJ walked in. Now ObJ was a hardcore non-academic and his presence in class albeit halfway through was impressive.

Not to Axeman though, "Why are you coming late? " he enquired

"I'm coming from the dispensary," replied ObJ

"What's the matter with you?"

"Fever."

"Where are your drugs?"

"I've taken them,"

"Why are you lying?"

"I'm not lying, sah."

"Where is your note?"

"I left it in dorm."

"Why? You didn't know you had geography today?"

At this juncture ObJ had run out of ammo and was already folding his trousers in anticipation of the inevitable 'Oya kneel down there!' that followed such altercations. Unfortunately, Axeman's nerves got the better of him and he misconstrued the action as some form of martial arts move and backed off. "Do you think you can handle me?" he asked. This perplexed ObJ, kneeling down he understood, cutting grass he understood, short fat teachers challenging him to mortal combat confused him.

"You think I'm your mate?"

Rhetorical question,

"I see better at night."

Useful skills but what did they have to do with us?

We began discussing night vision and swapping stories of night encounters. ObJ got tired of standing around so went to his seat, all the while Axeman stood glowering at us. We ignored him and kept talking. He then went to the board and began drawing an axe. This caught our fancy. Some expressed the belief that it was a new geographical symbol, others criticized his artwork using words such as perspective and motif. Yet another faction contended that he was mad. The latter were nearer the truth. He then stalked out of the class. An interesting enough morning. Like anything else in FGC it caused Comment and Disagreement and no small amount of discomfort to the born again's. They were happy to see the Antichrists Nigerian Ambassador embarrassed but could not be seen to endorse ObJ - who to them was an Antichrist in training. Non academic students were relieved to see that disobedience was not grounds for summary execution while the junior cultites expanded upon how they would have handled the matter differently.

Unfortunately for them, Axeman had not accepted defeat, he returned in the afternoon with the Geography head of department; BabaT. Now BabaT was a pretty woman but one of the scariest I have met, it never ceased to amaze me how such a tiny woman with such an angelic face could terrorize huge hulking Neanderthals.

"Ob***** J***?" she enquired coolly to the class.

Standard procedure in such cases was for the wanted individual to claim that he was not around and then vault the nearest window before the BA's could turn him in. Guess again. In the words of a popular product, Never underestimate the power of BabaT.

A meek "Yes ma," floated up from the back.

BabaT said "Follow me," turned on her heel and strode off without a backward glance.

ObJ stumbled after her.

Axeman grinned around the class triumphantly and walked out, it would have been a dramatic exit but for the ensuing "Im no dey shame sef? So woman get power pass am?" that followed him as he left.

The derisive laughter couldn't have helped.

The problems with Axeman didn't die down. Next was a test in which Surprise, surprise, the prettiest girls in the class got the highest despite half the class writing exactly the same thing. Hell, one girl even got twice as much as the guy she was copying off.

When we protested, Axeman then asked "Why do you think they got higher marks?"

Cyborg (so named because if Arnold Schwarzneggar was from Cross River state he would've been his junior brother) out of frustration replied "Seduction!"

Any wise teacher would ignore this but not Axeman, he rolled out BabaT again. I must say there is no more disconcerting sight than seeing a black version of Arnold Schwarzneggar whimpering as he meekly trails after a 4-foot tall woman. He joined ObJ on grass and scrubbing detail. More incidents followed. Four of us scaled fence one day and then dispersed, upon meeting later on in dorm who did the other two say they saw outside? (to the day students out there anywhere outside school is Outside). Yup Axeman, not only had they greeted him and treated him with the appropriate respect and decorum but paid his bus fare as well. As butt kissing goes that was a good step.

That week we were all standing in a group around the physics lab when we spied Axeman approaching, the two who met him outside, possibly presuming some sort of kinship with him waved and shouted out "Axeman!"

Now correct me if I'm wrong but someone who was at pains to impress us with his cult connections ought to be complimented by this. Oh no, Uncle Axeman walked up to us and demanded to know who said it. Appropriate denials followed

"You think I'm playing?" he asked, we replied in the negative.

"It was you," he said to me.

"No sir," I replied looking hurt and indignant.

"You know I see better at night?" he asked me, I confirmed that I was aware of this.

"You think you can try me? My cousin is the Grandmaster in Uniben, my boys are there waiting in Uniport. "

There seemed no appropriate answer to this so I remained silent. He then took our names; fortunately for us being extremely liberal with our studies we were not carrying any books. Except for Biabia. This fellow was a professional day student; you know the kind, ironed shirt, polished regulation sandals, and attended every class. Thus even if he wanted to he couldn't have given a fake name. This poor fellow whose greatest exertions hence had been stretching for another piece of meat at home found himself responsible for depleting a significant portion of the worlds rain forests and then scrubbing out the classroom pit toilets. Now those toilets are scary, hell, one night prep I was pressed and instead of fertilizing the teachers farms in time honored tradition went to the pit toilets behind SS block. Boy! The cockroaches there were as big as cats! In fact rats went there in pairs and only during the daytime. I understand that he still wakes up sweating at night.

What happened when Bro Axe was on dining hall duty and NEPA struck does not bear mentioning. The upshot of this was that half the class was wanted while the other half avoided the class on principle. BabaT took to arriving in the middle of other periods to catch us off guard. It got to the point where even the BA's started arriving late.

The only day the class was full was on test day, Axeman looked at the full class and sneered, "So you people decided to turn up eh?"

More rhetorical questions.

He brought out his assorted lists while looking wistfully towards the staff room where BabaT languished unaware of the opportunity she was missing. He read out several dozen fake names not noticing that in total he had more than the present class population on his lists.

"All of you see me after the test,"

"Yes sah," we duly replied.

I wonder if they have finally put glass in those windows? If so the new generation of senior students needs to find another way of escaping from the classroom. I wish I could have remained to see his face as the class gradually depopulated. There was no reason to run away since he hadn't got our real names but why lose an opportunity to dodge a teacher? Fortunately he only taught us for that term. Then our end of term exams came and we all got A's in geography.

The moral of the story? Axes are not impressive, it matters not how scary you are but how you relate to people. It is not your exterior that determines relationships but your interior. And there is little a dedicated group of friends armed with Key points, textbooks and baggy trousers cannot achieve.