Airline Article

Michael Kadish

Hello, and welcome to another article by The Bad Guy, Badguy4, for the Doghouse. As always, I warn you that I give you dangerous knowledge. So use it only when absolutely necessary. This is true, this week especially, as I tell you about airports. I really don't want to be responsible for a hijacking.

You may have noticed my absence for the past two weeks. Probably not, but at least let me think that I have some significance here. Sea lo casea, allow me to explain that I have resettled to a new location. (New country, new continent, new hemisphere, now in the Old World.) It's taken me a while to get set up, but be that as it may, take my word when I tell you that I have spent a lot of time on planes and in airports recently.

Airport security is incredibly boring. Have you ever wondered why they haven't had a TV drama series about an airport? If you ask the average cop, they probably haven't had to draw their gun. Very occasionally, they have to shoot.

But, there will always be criminals out there, and eventually somebody in their squadron will be on Real Stories of the Highway Patrol. There are very few plane hijackings. Very, very few. (with my luck the day this is printed, there will�never mind�) I mean, you can tell me about that big TWA crash over a year ago, which may or may not have been a bomb, or some recent crashing, but there'd be two problems. First of all, with all of the planes flying every second, the odds of dying on a plane are closer to the side of nil. The second thing is that, yes, planes crash, but it is almost always (I'm not making up a statistic here, as good as it would sound.) due to mechanical problems, either due to nature, or to mechanical problems.

These people have rather boring lives. Forget dramas, how many TV shows at all, can you come up with based around an airport? I get The Crew, and Wings, two really bad shows that are both gone. It's not a great, exciting career. Knowing that their job is mostly window dressing (I mean, have you seen the security in Britain?), they can take this in grace, help the lost travelers, and pretend to care about potential dangers, or they could just be really uppity and obnoxious about it, scrutinizing your underware bags.

And just what does the Badguy suggest if this occurs?

First he has to point out that you should not- no this should be capitalized- DO NOT jokingly put a gun in your bags, when putting them through the metal detectors. Just�Just�Just don't. Take my word for it.

Leaving bullets around the airport, though�that's a little different. There are plenty of ways to scare them. Leave some firecrackers around a terminal. Bomb plans are nice too. As a matter of fact, in some places, any Arabic writing will work. The best one, in my mind though, is to have a ticking alarm clock. Wind it, stick it in a briefcase, inconspicuously leave it somewhere, and enjoy the fun.

If you don't want to scare, but just annoy, see the top of the article. Those questions they always ask you, there are two reasons they ask. Should anything actually happen, they asked, it's out of their hands, and at the same time, the bag holder has more or less confessed to it.

If you admit that there is a chance that somebody else might have breathed on your bags, the poor workers have to watch as you inspect every pencil you packed, as they know full well that there isn't going to be a bomb in there. If you've got the time, you've got a great crime.

There are some things you can do with metal detectors-but remember, don't use any weapons, k? Here's one of the better ones a friend of mine supposedly pulled off. She took a cookie tin lid, and put it on her head. She then covered it with a realistic wig, and walked through the metal detector five times, before another friend, in on it, said, "Oh, jeez, we forgot about the plate in your head."

In the movie Penn and Teller Get Killed, one pickpockets the other, Teller slips a metal bar into the Penn's pocket and before Penn walks through the detector, then removes it stealthily after Penn walks through, the machine, so that there is nothing in his pockets.

I've gone through with steel-toed shoes. This was fun.

I've also gone through four airports in four cities wearing a trench coat, hat, and sunglasses. If only I had a guitar cases.

Be that as it may�what else�I've already told you how to deal with the stores, in a past article�

Oh yeah� I'm very hesitant to mention this, because it may give people the notion to take it a step further�don't, just, here, follow the instructions.

This is from Getting Even. Check out the airport baggage claims. More importantly, check to see if the airport checks your baggage claims. Most don't. If they don't, Get your friend to pick up your bags, then scream bloody murder to the airline, and demand a large settlement for your "misplaced" bags.

As always, I end the article by telling you that the information I give you is like karate. Only use it as a last resort. If you use it as the norm, you deserveth a blackbelt to jump out of nowhere, and remove your corneas with his foot.