English English

Warning--This piece has potentially offensive language.

(So sue me, I don't like to use certain words in mixed company.)

The story from my aunt is that one of the people she works with is Irish. People were amused with his speech mannerisms, but he firmly replied, "Well, I speak the Queen's English."

The guy next to him shrugged, and said, "I dunno, I'm from Queens, and I never met anybody who talks like you."

I personally am glad not to listen to "the Queen's English."

Ah, listen to the sound of it. PAjamas, TIres, elevators. Ah, wow. I've been stuck among Brits for the past six weeks. You begin to appreciate afterwards how a bag of chips does not mean French fries. When you eat fries, you can get some napkins, you don't need serviettes. You don't need all those silly "u"s. You recogniZe just how much the language means to you when you have people trying to "correct" you every other minute.

I notice one intrinsic difference between the two sides of the Atlantic. Face it, if Freud were to survey our country today, see our massive gun obsession, see our fascination with cars, and the need to go to war to maintain superiority, what would he say? We really do have it on the brain. Think of our insults. Better yet, think of your teachers and associates. OK, now, who do you consider to be a class A pri--? (I'm a bit Victorian, sorry.) Who is just a dork? (Note: it's only a G-rated word.) Who do you know that is just a putz? Who do you know who just thinks with his shl- - -? And who is just a plain di- -? Do I really need to point out that those were all synonyms? OK. Boo. They all are words for the male reproductive organ. Such common lines that involves X that really bites, blows, or sucks, all fit into the same box.

Britain is very different. Hand guns, eve, are banned there. Cars are not as big a deal. (I'm told.) And really, think of an intimidating Brit. Excluding armed Irishmen. Or Lennox Lewis. Or maybe Margaret Thatcher. They're not all that intimidating. They get violent - at soccer matches.

It all adds up. We have a subconscious fascination with what? So the opposite would be...

The country that prides themselves since the 1500s on their ships? (if that one's lost on you, go read Freud's books on dreams.) Their insults are a bit different than ours. Obviously, they share the notion that a wimp is a pus- - -. Somebody who did something stupid, however, is commonly called a tw - -. (as oppose to dork.) Used as an exclamation slightly more anger than f- - - , or a truly mean person, is a cu- -. And, of course, a shmuck, is a jerk. (Speaking of jerk, they have a good dozen words that are insults, and synonymous for people masturbating, but I'm not getting into that one.) The difference is that I'd say, roughly 35% of the sentences uttered by the British I'm with will have one of the above mentioned words. (About 85%, are either with the above words, or whining, inclusive. The other 15% isthem "taking the piss.")

It's not that surprising, I suppose. The one swear word that most people know that the British have, that e don't, comes from "by our lady," (Mary) which is shortened to bloody. So, maybe they do have a female fascination. Worse things, I suppose.

Commercial break:

OK, we now return...

Oh, yeah, one more word. The word fanny has, shall we say a different meaning then we are used to. I suppose a British man would get rather offended, when told to "move his fanny." And apparently, the song, "Shanny, How's Your Fanny" has a completely different meaning, then we understood it.

There are other ones like that. In England, males have knobs, but I could have sworn that back home, it meant nipples, of both men, and women.

Then there's the unintended double entendres we throw at each other. We were actually laughing when the British, in class would ask across the room for rubbers. Sort of interesting one there. Prevents problems for us, while it fixes problems for them. On the other hand, if either one breaks, you could very easily wind up with a mistake. (Oh, a rubber for them is an eraser.)

Generally though, they laughed at me. They laughed when I mentioned a bum asking for money on Ben Yehuda Street. (Bum in Britain is rear end. They only use the word tramp.)

Then, they laughed when I mentioned that I had brought a bathing suit. (Bathing suit, apparently only means bikini. They only use the term trunks.)

Then, they laughed at me because I was talking about a bird's colorful tail. (bird for them equals chick for us, i.e. girls.)

Actually, they laughed at me a lot, but, again, we aren't here to talk about that.

Then again, it took me a long time to get used to the fact that a "flaming fag" was merely a lit cigarette.

They continuously pointed out that they were where the language started.

I pointed out that we were the vast majority.

They said that it doesn't matter, and what does somebody who drives on the right-hand side of the street know?
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Michael Kadish

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