Avraham and Sarah

After studying for a while I've come up with a new theory on Breishit (Genesis.) It involves the story of Abraham and Sarah. It's the same story, but I'm now convinced that the reason the story flowed the way it did, is that Sarah was in fact, the world's biggest bitch.

It all started when God spoke to Abram, the first time. God tells Abram that he has to move to Israel. So, he goes home to Sarai, and tells her that he spoke with God, that they have to move, and that God has now changed his name to Abraham. "Oh, so, what, God spoke to me also. He changed my name to Sarah." (Torah)

Slightly dubious, Abraham asks God if it's true. "Not only has she heard from me, but she is on a higher religious plain than you are." (Torah)

That should have been a sign to Avrhaham that she would be hard to deal with. But no. Then, while settled, he of course couldn't feel intimate feelings towards her, with the way she was constantly belittling him nagging him. She, of course felt that this was due to his incompetence/impotence. So, to mock him, she says, "fine, ^it's all my fault,^ here take my maid. Have a baby with her."

So, he does, and has a boy with this woman (Torah), and Sarah now has reason to be even more annoying, and just loses faith in her husband, who grows even more annoyed.

When they take a trip to Egypt, the king is attracted to Sarah. "Wow, who is she?" Well, Abraham thought, I can get rid of her here.

"She's my sister." Which to an extant was true, they were cousins (Torah), and Abraham thought he'd finally be rid of her. Unfortunately, God intervened, and Pharaoh saw how much of a bitch she was. So, he lets Abraham have her back, who was none too thrilled about the whole thing, so to console him, Pharaoh gave him some gifts, and sent them away. (Torah)

Then, the Angels came down to tell him, that among other things, that he and Sarah would have a child. Sarah was in another room, but even so, she thought the idea of Abraham ever able to get it to work caused her to laugh. (Torah) Even God thought this was a bit much, and told Abraham that she laughed because she was so excited about having a kid (Midrash). To punish Sarah, he made her eat her words, and went on to name the kid after her laugh. (Torah)

Sarah didn't let up though. Her son wasn't getting enough attention. She claimed that Hagar's son was a bad influence on her son and should be kicked out of the house. Did Avraham have a choice? This is the one of the most nagging wives ever, so he quickly realizes he should relent, so he sends away a women that he loves, who had his first child, and sends out his oldest boy with them. (Torah)

He knows he can't refuse Sarah, but he thought maybe God might be able to do something. God didn't want to mess with Sarah either though. So, instead of having to negotiate this woman, he promises Abraham that his son and wife will not starve, and that his child will go on to lead a great nation. (Torah) Abraham isn't thrilled with this, but he has no choice.

Yitzchak has to get married. So, since Abraham knows all to well that no woman in their right mind would want Sarah as their mother-in-law, he sends his servant, named Eliezer to the land where Avraham grew up, so that they wouldn't remember Sarah. (According to midrash anyway.) Before he left, Eliezer asked what he should look for in the girl. Abraham therefore told him to pick out the opposite oSarah. Apparently, Eliezer misunderstood, and picked out a three year old. Abraham probably first thought this a bit strange, but then he realized that a little kid wouldn't be able to complain about the mother-in-law as much. Plus Yitchak would generally have the upper hand, later in life.

God then is about to perform his greatest test on Abraham. He will make Abraham sacrifice his son. God talks to Abraham (Torah). Abraham is still upset about losing Hagar and is mildly annoyed by this one, and is not afraid to remind this to God. If nothing else, he hasn't had any in a while. So, God is about to test him. "Abraham, take your son." (Torah)

"I have TWO sons!"

"Take your ONLY son." (Torah)

"I have TWO sons."

"OK...the son that you love." (Torah)

"I HAVE TWO SONS."

"OK, look, take Yitczhak." (Torah) And you know what happened after that, Abraham has to go to sacrifice his son. He really did love his son, and he didn't want to kill him. Fortunately, God stopped him, and it worked out. However, on his way back, he sees two giants (midrash) that he knows Sarah spent to spy on him. So, he approaches them, and tells them to tell Sarah that they had gone to sacrifice Yitzchak, which again, was true. The giants go back to report. (Midrash) By the time Avraham came home, Sarah had died of a heart attack or grief. (Torah)

So, he has to go and bury her. Elimelech feels sorry for Avraham; who had lost his wife, so when Avraham makes inquiries into the cave, Elimelech offers it for free, as his condolences. (Torah) Avraham doesn't feel quite right about accepting condolences, seeing as how he's actually quite relieved that she is gone, and he is quite adamant on paying. So, Avraham pays a large some for this cave, (Torah) knowing quite happily that he'll never have to do it again.

Now that Sarah is gone and buried, Abraham goes back to Hagar, who has conveniently changed her name (Rashi), and they go on to have five more children (Torah), before Avraham finally leaves this world.

This all may sound very sick and disturbing to you, but I challenge anybody to show me why I am wrong. I too find this rather unsettling. But can anybody show an anomaly?

Get me outa here!!!

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Michael Kadish

"Nothing is more certain than incertainties,
Fortune is full of fresh variety;
Constant in nothing but inconstancy".-- Richard Barnfield

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