These are the Jokes Folks 1,056,547.
(Tame/Clean Jokes)

An extremely shy fellow once brought his date a bouquet of flowers. She threw her arms around him and kissed him long and hard. After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door. She exclaimed, "Oh ! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you."

"You didn't !" he replied. "I'm going to buy ya some jewelry."

An avid church goer and NASCAR fan died and went to heaven. Upon entering, this person noticed pro driver Alan Kulwicki's race car, and asked St. Peter about it. St. Peter said Alan was in heaven and his car was on display.

Walking a little further, the man sees Davey Allison's car. Once again he inquired to St. Peter about it. "Davey Allison is also in heaven. In fact, God's a BIG NASCAR fan, so when drivers die, their race cars get put on display."

Walking further, the individual came upon Jeff Gordon's #24 Chevrolet - the phenomena kid who is breaking every record on the racing circuit. At this sight, the new heaven dweller panicked! "Oh, No! St. Peter - Jeff Gordon is about to win the Championship this year, and you mean to tell me he has just died?!?

"No, no," St. Peter chuckled, "That's God's car. He lets Jeff use it on weekends."

Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women?
Women working at 900 numbers.

Psychiatrists say that one out of five people are mentally ill. If four of your friends are OK, then you're the one.

How is a man like a used car?
Both are easy to get, cheap and unreliable

Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men?
No phone numbers.

Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover, and a stimulating partner?
In the pages of a romance novel.

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket.

That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.

A baker is just getting ready lock his front door when a man rushes up. "I need to have a cake made right now!" he exclaims.

"I'm sorry," replies the baker. "But I was just closing up. I've dismissed my staff; I've shut down my machines; I'm afraid you'll have to come back tomorrow."

"I can't wait until tomorrow!" insists the man. "It's absolutely imperative that this cake be made right now!"

The baker always liked to think of himself as a nice guy, so he says, "All right, I'll see what I can do." He goes inside and turns all his appliances back on. He then approaches the counter and ties on his apron. "Okay, what is it you need?" The man whips out a sketch from his pocket. It's a very well drawn depiction of a cake.

"It has to look just like this," says the man. "Exactly one foot wide, one foot long, and six inches tall. White frosting, blue icing, and a red cursive "S" in the middle. Just like this." Somewhat startled, the baker ponders the sketch for a few moments and replies. "I think I can do that. It will be ready in about half an hour."

"Half an hour!?" exclaims the man. "That won't do. I need this in fifteen minutes."

"Fifteen minutes?" responds the baker. "I'm not sure I can do that. I suppose I might be able to get it done that fast if I used some pre-made dough. It wouldn't taste as good but..."

"I don't care. Just get to it, please," blurts the man, while checking his watch frantically.

So the baker goes back and makes the cake. He works faster than he ever has before, and somehow produces the cake in just under fifteen minutes. He presents it to the man fresh out of the oven.

"Will this be sufficient?" he asks. The man takes a measuring tape from his pocket. He checks the length, width, and height very carefully. He then compares it to the sketch. Suddenly, a look of horror comes across his face.

"No no!" he exclaims. "The 's' is the wrong shade of red! It has to be the same shade as the sketch. Oh, what will I do now??"

"Calm down," says the baker. "If the shade really is a problem I think I can re-ice it. It may take a few more minutes..."

"You can?" asks the man anxiously. "Well please, get going!"

So the baker quickly takes the cake back and puts on a new "S." A few minutes later he brings it back to the visibly distraught man. "There you go. Is this what you were looking for?" he asks. Once again the man scrutinizes the cake, checking every detail. He compares the shades of red, and this time decides they're all right. "Okay" says the man quickly, "this is good. Can I pay you now."

"Of course," says the baker, hastily readying the cash register. "Now, the boxes we have available are over here. Do you want to pick one out?"

"Oh no, that won't be necessary," answers the man. "I'll eat it here."

What do you get when you cross Lee Iaccoca with a vampire?
autoexec.bat

On the other hand, you also have 5 fingers.

In a small rural town the local doctor is known for his abrupt bed-side manners. His last appointment for the Friday afternoon shows up a bit late, and he is more agitated than normally. "Yeah, you're late sit down and speak up!" he greets the woman.

"Doctor, I'm having difficulty falling pregnant, I've been trying for years - and to no success." The doctor doesn't look up and says: "Good get rid of the clothes and go lie on the bed, and be quick about it I'm in a hurry"

So the woman walks over to the bed and as she was undressing she slowly and very unsurerly says:" Doctor, I actually would have preferred the baby to be my husband's"

Did you hear about the man whose wife ran off with a mustard salesman?
She wrote him a Dijon letter.

Get me outa here!!!

This is the previous entry.

This is the previous jokes.

Wanna read the next set of jokes?

Wanna read the next non-joke entry?

Take me back to the list

---

Michael Kadish

"People do not quit playing because they grow old ... They grow old because they quit playing." -Oliver Wendell Holmes

Hosted by www.Geocities.ws