New Theories

OK, as listeners to my many rants know, I've discovered many of my own theories, ranging from my undeserving of a significant other, to historical inaccuracies, right on up to the three parts of my theory of life. Well, in no particular order, here are a few of the new theories (some more serious than others) that have come to me in Israel.

1) Inundation.---- Since I've come to Israel, I've noticed that many things here are naturally not in the abundance as they are in the US. Just a few notable exceptions. There are a disproportionate amount of cell phones, cigarettes, cats, and beggars.

2) A recent study showed that 15,000 Israelis are diagnosed with cancer every year. (That's a lot.) Doctors are perplexed. Well, honestly, look above. All those cigarettes and cell phones.

3) I'm beginning to believe in reincarnation, so that I always feel guilty killing a bug in the Holy Land. I mean, obviously if somebody wanted to come to Israel than maybe they were some great religious leader.

4) In addendum to the last, I am certain that the cats everywhere are reincarnated rabbis. This explains a lot. First of all, why they all hang around in Israel, and why they seem to jump out at you. They always go through the garbage, trying to learn our secrets. Most obviously, I think is why they always seem to hang around the girls.

5) In the 1980's Israel experienced its Korea. Now it's in its Vietnam.

6) What lead to the state of Israel? The Hope Diamond. (Jews and diamonds? Who'd of guessed?) The Diamond, as you may know, causes bad luck to the possessor. In 1789, that was Louis XVI and Mary Antoinette. Shortly after midway through that year, the two of them soon lost their heads. That was caused by the diamond, and that lead directly to Napoleon showing up ten years later. He ransacks Europe, leading to the Congress of Vienna. That lead directly to the Balance of Powers, the secret treaties, and Bismarck. When he finally was fired, due to the secretive nature of the treaties, it lead to the full impact of a World War. Since the alliances without him were rather weak, they lost the war, though it took a while, and since it did, the Treaty of Verona so disgustingly screwed Deutcheland. Due to that, they fought back fifteen years later, and created the Third Reich. As pity for the Nazi brutality, the UN voted in '48 to create Israel. So, The Hope Diamond ---� Israel.

7) Philosophy was once a passion to me, but now it's beginning to scare me. Philosophy can support and justify that which can't be justified. Quick, what do Nietze, Heiddinger, Kant, Marx, Plato, Herzl, and Luther have in common? They all were used by the Germans to rationalize or explain the Holocaust. (Gee, it's scary that this is the seventh note.) Just dare me to elaborate. I have the proof...but I'll let you go by on this one without having to hear it. If you think I'm bluffing, write me back

8) Hebrew is a scary thing. Not the prospect of learning it, but how it became a legitimate language. After Israel was destroyed nearly two thousand years ago, Hebrew became a dead language. It was prayed with, but so was Latin fifty years ago. It wasn't spoken. The letters were used to transliterate German and Spanish to make Yiddish and... I forgot the other one, but Hebrew wouldn't be a people's language for a while. In 1776 the Americans contemplated using it to piss off the British. A kind of complete rejection of their former tyrants. Needless to say, that didn't pan out. So, when the whole Zionism thing started around 100 years ago, the Jews found themselves without a modern language. So, enter Hebrew's Webster, or Samuel Jonsohn. We have Eliezer Ben Yehuda. He felt that Hebrew needed to be adapted to a modern world, so he bought every dictionary he could find, and he created a modern Hebrew word for it, if there wasn't an old one. That's where his rationality, I feel, ends. First, he'd only speak in Hebrew (though I imagine he used a great deal of sign language.) Then his wife was only allowed to speak Hebrew to him, than the servants. At this point he goes a bit nuts, has a son, and this son is not allowed out of the house until school age, for fear that he might pick up a language other than Hebrew. After which point, he was whipped when a non- Hebrew word was emitted from his lips. Got to love the Aleph Bet.

Get me outa here!!!

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Michael Kadish
"What son of a bitch built this goddamn thing?" FDR

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