Significant Others

Many of the listeners know my opinions of the fairer gender. I often used a rewrite of Marx to explain them, if you're unfamiliar with them. (Groucho, not Karl.) I would never go out with a girl who is desperate enough to go out with me. Generally, this elicits one of two reactions. No, actually three.

First is where the tormented listener says something to the tune of, "Oh, you're screwed up, but I'm sure there is somebody who could go out with you."

Second, since there is some truth about birds of a feather, is that they agree, saying how they'll never get a girl\guy, either.

Or, they just say nothing, and treat me like I'm a jerk.

My point is generally proved in that generally the last is the girl's response.

OK, maybe I should answer all three.

To those who say everybody deserves somebody, I point out that they could do better. No matter how a man is measured, whether it is humor, intelligence, strength, firmness, fame, wealth, or penis length, you can always easily find somebody who holds a place ahead of me in the line. The retort that it is a mixture of each that is needed, and surely there are girls who like the way I've been mixed has been used, and reretorted.

It basically gets the same answer as "well, what if she just happens to fall in love with you?" Then she's not mentally balanced, and I could not take advantage of a mentally challenged female. Kind of a Catch 22, I know, but it is pretty much the way it is.

If they give me the second, I feel a little strange. First of all I never get this from a girl. I suppose a girl wouldn't, or shouldn't want to appear desperate to guys, but it astounds me that the ugliest girls think they have boyfriends, or are at least telling others that they do. Maybe that's a way to take yourself off the market.

Sort of like priests and nuns. Whether true or not, a lot of people say that girls go to a convent, because they don't want to deal with males, for one reason or another. So, they wear the gold on the finger, to signify that they are married to Him. (First, this guy impregnates his own mother, making him both an MF and a bastard, and now he has more wives than all of Hollywood collectively.) So, from now on, I say that I am in love with Shira, who might very well exist, unbeknownst to me, but this way, I don't have to explain why I'm not looking. It's a normal bit. Actually, it's a bit overused. "Yeah, I have a girlfriend. No, you can't meet her. She, uhm, she lives in Washington. Far away from here." I needn't elaborate further. However, you know, a little sympathy never hurt anybody...

Third was answered...

I don't know. Maybe I should ask her out. I contemplate it, but as soon as the old line "Do what you think is right," pops up, then I know to remain silent.

Get me outa here!!!

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Michael Kadish
"You Lost" - Calvin Coolidge

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