THE MATT HOLOHAN REPORT -- Volume 2, Issue 6
The official newsletter of the Matt Holohan Club
Now disclaimer-free with added sarcasm!
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Many loyal club members have asked Matt how long it takes him to write
the Matt Holohan Report every week. Since Matt has no concept of time,
he never knows what to say. Accordingly, this week Matt has decided to
add a new feature to the usual incoherent madness of the report: A running
clock. Readers will be updated periodically as to what time it is in Matt's
reference frame, and by the end all will have a clear picture of how much
time Matt wastes every weekend entertaining his loyal followers. The current
time on Matt's Sony Dream Machine is 9:28 p.m. on Thursday, October 7,
1999.
*
AUS-SOME
Matt logged on to ICQ for the first time in a few weeks a few days
ago, and imagine his surprise when he found that a 16-year-old girl from
Australia named Kat was requesting to add Matt to her contact list. After
conversing with this fruitcake via instant messages for a few minutes,
Matt discerned that there is, in fact, an Australian lad named Matt Holohan
who went to this girl's high school, and that poor Kat had gotten her Matts
mixed up. Matt assured this descendent of English felons that he was not
Matt Holohan from Sydney, but rather Matt Holohan from Berkeley, but Kat
wouldn't hear of it. Matt spent over an hour trying to convince this nitwit
that the University of California Physics major identity that he was feeding
her wasn't an elaborate facade to screw with her feeble Australian mind,
and she wasn't convinced until Matt directed her to his online wedding
album to take a down-under gander at the various silly pictures of Matt's
sillier non-Australian face. Kat finally relented, and then commented,
in all seriousness, "You must have gotten married early." Stupid Australians.
*
Oddly enough, Matt has now met three women throughout his life that
went by the name Kat (or Cat), and all three have been insane morons.
*
9:34
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DUH...
While trudging his way through an arduous Physics problem set this
afternoon, Matt found himself seated next to an androgynous female Physics
major (An androgynous female Physics major? Now I HAVE seen everything.)
who also happened to be on the Cal women's rowing team. Matt was sporting
his delightfully ironic "California Women's Athletics" T-shirt, prompting
the rowess to ask, "Are you a supporter of women's athletics?" Matt explained
that he liked to wear the shirt because he's neither a woman nor an athlete,
but neglected to mention his aversion to sports and misogynistic tendencies
due to the fact that the crew girl had a torso that probably weighed more
than Matt's entire person. Not seeing the irony, the girl cheerfully rejoined,
"Thanks. I take that is direct support. We need more support for women's
athletics." Matt then went back to his Lagrangians and silently wondered
when everyone else would realize how right he is about so many things.
*
9:40
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YOU GONNA KILL ME, TOO?
Having grown tired of his truck's mangled backside, Matt took a trip
to his local Toyota dealer to find a replacement lens for his tail light.
The part, which consisted of about twelve inches of curved reflective red,
white, and orange plastic, set him back a cool fifty eight dollars. You
know how much crank you can buy for fifty eight dollars? Anyway, the best
part was that if Matt hadn't flexed his manliness by replacing the lens
himself, the labor would have cost another forty dollars, which comes out
to about ten dollars per screw. [Insert obvious prostitution/your mom joke
here.]
*
As a sidenote, the title of that last section is a truncated form of
a line Matt heard on one of his favorite cartoon shows. The full line is,
"That's highway robbery! You gonna kill me, too?" If anyone out there can
name the speaker of the line, or at least the show from which it came,
that person will receive the maddest props that were ever given. We're
talking mad-ass props, here.
*
9:45
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HONESTLY
Matt spent almost a week with no food in his apartment due to his many
other responsibilities and his laziness in general, and finally decided
to go on over to Safeway and get hisself some eats. Matt noticed a few
things about Safeway. Well, really just one thing: THE SELECTION IS ASS.
But that's not what this section is about. This section is about an ugly
old gray-haired idiot. While cruising the produce section, Matt left his
cart near the banananananananas to go off and search for bag twisties,
which always seem to be in short supply in the Safeway produce section.
When he attempted to return to his cart with a fresh supply of bag twisties
and four Washington apples, he found that some moron had made off with
his cart. He saw what appeared to be his cart (all he had put in there
thus far was/were/weir a bag of peaches) being loaded up with other various
sundries by a dippy looking old guy. Since Matt was weak from hunger and
lack of sleep and is by nature a non-confrontational sissymary of a person,
he decided to grind his teeth until his head hurt and go get another cart.
After returning with the fresh cart, he saw the witless old cart thief
realize his blunder and transfer his intruding fruit back into his own
barren cart, at which point Matt retrieved his peaches, kicked the man
in the nards, and continued shopping.
*
9:51
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SORRY!
Matt has decided that he hates soft drink under-the-cap games. You
can't even buy a refreshing bottle of sugar and syrup these days without
a bunch of bright letters screaming "HEY! LOOK UNDER THE CAP! GO AHEAD,
LOOK! YOU MAY WIN A TRIP TO HAWAII, A NEW HOUSE, A SUPERMODEL WIFE, A BAJILLION
DOLLARS, A MAGNETIC MONOPOLE, OR HUNDREDS OF OTHER PRIZES! LOOK! LOOK!
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK!!!!!!" Then, sure enough, you look under the cap, and
the brightly colored, excited voice has transmogrified into some faded
dot-matrix lettering telling you that you haven't won anything, you have
no chance of winning anything, but you should keep trying anyway. It's
the soft drink company's little way of saying, "Thanks for buying our product,
but before you drink it, we'd just like to let you know that you're a big
fat loser." I just want some Tangerine Fruitopia!
*
And by the way, Sprite, having big stars in your commercials tell people
how stupid it is to have big stars in commercials is ASS WHORING STUPID!
*
9:57
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'BOUT F---ING TIME
Matt finally updated his lame web page. Well, partially, at least.
The Tome of Goodness is still way backed up, the Misinterpretation Archive
has yet to materialize, and Matt still fails to keep readers updated on
his sack status, but the Report Archive has been updated with issues 1-5
of Volume 2, so if you missed any of those, now's the chance to redeem
yourself. Follow the links at the bottom of the page. We all know you won't,
but...but, well don't then see if I care.
*
10:00
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GHETTO SUPERSTAR
All of Matt's toiling at eHow, Inc. paid off this week when one of
his more uninformed and inane eHows was the eHow of the Day on eHow.com.
Thursday's eHow of the Day was "How to Master Common E-Mail Slang," which
is a stupid title since the eHow actually deals more with chat slang and
Internet terminology in general, but since editors don't have to listen
to writers, Matt's advice went unheeded. So if you happen to get this thing
before midnight on Thursday, October 7, check out www.ehow.com and partake
of some of Matt's practical wisdom. We all know you won't, but...but, well
don't then see if I care.
*
10:02
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BONGO DRUM? NO. CONGA DRUM? NO. KETTLE DRUM? NO. CONUNDRUM? OH, YEAH.
If deaf people learned how to mime instead of learning sign language,
wouldn't it be a lot easier for everyone to understand them? HA! Take that,
Cal State Fresno and University of Stupid Redlands. You should be mime
schools! Mime schools!
*
10:04
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LIFE IS ASS
Matt will be 21 in 19 days. Anyone who would like Matt to buy alcohol
for them beginning on that day should contact Matt immediately.
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10:06
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Are we about done here? I think so.
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10:06
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Matt Holohan
Honorable Founder
The Matt Holohan Club
[email protected]
www.geocities.com/CollegePark/Den/6234/matt.html