DISCLAIMER: You got this email because Matt's such a wonderful guy.
If you disagree, you probably don't even have the horse sense to be able
to read email, or read at all, so you don't deserve to be in the Matt Club.
Deal with it.
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DATCLAIMER: What is reality? When there are so many different perspectives,
interpretations, and opinions about the simplest things of every day life,
and when there are so many things that go completely unexplained by rational
science, can anyone truly say what is real and unreal? If we were to assume
that anything in the report were untrue, couldn't someone else just as
easily come along and say that it is, in fact true? The answer is no. Deal
with it.
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THE MATT HOLOHAN REPORT, VOLUME 2, ISSUE 4
The official newsletter-flavored drink of the Matt Holohan Club
Now available in reduced fat formula.
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Jim J. Bullock. One class act.
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NORMALIZE THIS!
Matt had his very first midterm of the year this week, in Quantum Mechanics.
Unfortunately, spending an hour weeding his way through in intricacies
of the behavior of teeny tiny little things frazzled his already feeble
brain somewhat, the result being that, while handing out copies of the
latest issue of the Heuristic Squelch, his usual clever slogans degraded
into hopelessly esoteric and altogether unfunny Physics-related jargon.
(Holy crap, that sentence was long.) Here are a few samples:
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1. This magazine is so free that the potential function can be ignored
when analyzing its Schrodinger equation!
2. The integral of the probability density of laughter taken over pages
on through sixteen of this magazine is unity!
3. God may not play dice, but he certainly enjoys a good laugh!
(Interjection: While typing the word "play" just now, Matt screwed
up and hit the two keys to the immediate left of the P and L on his keyboard,
creating the word "okay." Isn't that weird? I wonder if they planned it
that way. The spell checker wouldn't have caught that. Good thing Matt
did.)
4. There were more, but since Allen Haim is the only one who'll understand
these jokes, Matt has decided to move on. Dental plan!
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FIZZY, FUZZY, BIG AND BUZZY: A NEUROTIC CHILDHOOD MEMORY
In the Spring of 1988, when Matt was but a naive young nine-year-old,
trailers for a gripping suspense thriller called "D.O.A." starring Dennis
Quaid and Meg Ryan began appearing on Matt's TV. Wondering what the cryptic
title meant, Matt decided to tap the limitless wisdom of his father. "What
does D.O.A. mean?" Matt asked one morning. "Department of Agriculture,"
replied Mr. Holohan and went back to his cigar and National Geographic.
This explanation, alas, only compounded Matt's confoundedness. What could
the Department of Agriculture possible have to do with some guy getting
poisoned and running around? Finally, in 1991, Matt learned of another
usage of the abbreviation: "Dead on Arrival." "Of course!" he cried in
jubilation, much to the chagrin of his music teacher. "He'll be dead on
arrival! He was poisoned!" That night, Matt got his first good night's
sleep in over three years.
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INNNNNNN-TRODUCING!
Here's a real treat for all you EOM's out there: a new feature is being
added to the Matt Holohan Club communication syndicate. Beginning in mid-October,
the weekly newsletter will be joined by a monthly report titled "The Matt
Holohan Failure Chronicles." These chronicles will chronicle Matt's various
failures, shortcomings, and inadequacies in all aspects of his life. Topics
currently being worked on are his lackadaisical attitude toward updating
the web page, his inability to comprehend the higher math of analytic mechanics,
his grim, miserable future, and his ever-worsening stutter. If it's good
enough for Mao, it's good enough for Matt. Look for the first edition of
the Matt Holohan Failure Chronicles around October 15th unless, of course,
Matt fails to write it, which is highly possible.
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NOT THAT OBVIOUS AFTER ALL
Here are the answers to last week's supposedly easy trivia questions.
On closer inspection some of them turned out to be just as taxing as the
previous extravaganzas. That's another failure on Matt's part.
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1. Oklahoma City is the capitol of Ottawa, Canada, further evidence
that Canada is trying to steal all of our culture and doing a horrible,
horrible job.
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2. The monkey wrench is named after the monkey idiots who run Eshleman
Hall.
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3. Washington State was named after President Freddy "Boom Boom" Washington,
who was removed from office after only a few hours following a sex scandal
involved Secretary of State Barbarino. The Impeachment Proceedings were
long and arduous, due mainly to the fact that Speaker of the House Horshack
always said "Ooh! Ooh! Ooh ooh ooh!" before addressing the house. Special
prosecutor Juan Epstein was absent for much of the proceedings, although
he did have a valid excuse from his mother.
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4. A titmouse is a type of bird. Headcheese is a type of meat. Iguanas
have nine toes. It's a crazy world we live in. Seems the half of us immersed
in sin is all we have to give this future based on virtual insanity...
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5. Harry Truman's middle name was Sissy-Mary. It was shortened to just
"S" because the delegates of Nebraska didn't want a Sissy-Mary in the White
House, even if it was just his middle name. Could have been worse, though.
Middle name could have been Whitney.
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STATE YOUR PURPOSE
Feeling nostalgic? Neither am I. Here's some fill-in-the blank Kids
in the Hall trivia. Fill in the blanks. DO IT!
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1. "Ha! I'm crushing your ____!"
2. "Can I borrow your pen?" "Sure. Just don't ___ ___ with it."
3. "You know why the omelette's so good? 'Cause the eggs are fresh.
Right ___ __ __ and into the pan!"
4. "I never told my dad I love him." "Why don't you?" "I can't." "He's
dead?" "No." "Then why can't you?" "_ _____."
5. "She doesn't like us." ... "She'll be sorry when ____ ___." "Betcha
you're right." "Betcha I am."
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CONUNDRUM OF THE WEEK
Where's the love?
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HOLY CRAP!
Matt has a Classics paper due in 18 hours!
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Matt Holohan
Honorable Founder
The Matt Holohan Club
www.geocities.com/CollegePark/Den/6234/matt.html
[email protected]