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If you've received this email, you've expressed interest in the Matt
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*
DATCLAIMER:
96% of the information in this newsletter is inaccurate, and the other
7% is mainly conjecture. Deal with it.
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DE OTHERCLAIMER:
Big fat cheater man. Foul! I claim foul. I do agree with my claim.
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THE MATT HOLOHAN REPORT -- VOLUME 2, ISSUE 3
The official newsletter of the Matt Holohan Club
(Formerly known as That Thing Over There)
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Many apologies for last week's lack of report. Matt was very busy with
his other duties, and was forced to leave a gaping void in the hears of
his many admirers, enemies and indifferent parties. He sincerely hopes
that the unbridled lunacy of this week's report will help fill that void.
If it doesn't, try some spackle.
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DEMO-LICIOUS
Matt got hisself a job setting up demonstrations for lower division
Physics lectures. This gives Matt a chance to experience Physics the only
way it should be experienced: by playing with toys. Matt now has access
to every toy in the Physics department, and doggone it if that don't make
him as happy as a hog in a kettle. The job of demonstration setter upper
is also especially cool because it has the word "demon" in it. Despite
the fact that he's only been on the job for a week, Matt is already gaining
quite a reputation amongst the Physics little 'uns, who now habitually
stop him in the halls of Le Conte and say, "Hey! It's the demo guy! That
guy rocks!" Ever modest, Matt is taking his newfound fame in stride, and
only signing autographs before and after lectures. This position has also
allowed Matt to establish a lucrative side project of smuggling out liquid
nitrogen to be sold on the black market. It's up to 1000 times more effective
than pepper spray, and it's all scientific, too!
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Shoelaces are very uncooperative when you're tired.
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GOOD PEOPLE, I IMPLORE YOU
Matt stopped by Cody's Books this week to ogle the pictures of Melissa
Joan Hart in this month's issue of Maxim magazine. The kindly streetpunk
employees of Cody's used to require all patrons to check their bags upon
entering the store, but laziness has cause them to relax this policy, and
now one need only check his or her bag if he or she sets of the or the
alarm when entering. Since Matt's bag 'o' books and guns failed to activate
the hi-tech Texas Instruments (Texas sucks!) security gates, he proceeded
to the magazine section to ogle in peace. Feeling a bit queasy after failing
to expel the image of 13-year-old Clarissa explaining it all from his mind
while admiring the almost-naked photos of Sabrina the Teenage Trollop,
Matt made his way toward the exit in a bit of a haze, only to be stopped
by some alarming alarm sounds from the alarm machine. A bag search ensued
in which a new copy of Sophocles II was found, which Matt had purchased
for his Classics class a few weeks prior. The clerks at Cody's didn't buy
this story, and the next thing Matt knew he was in prison being raped and
beaten on a tight schedule and developing an uneasy friendship with a dark-skinned
gentleman named red. Fortunately, over the course of forty years Matt managed
to chip away a tunnel into the prison sewer system which allowed him to
escape to Mexico after cashing in a phony bank account that he had established
for the corrupt prison warden. Matt now lives a life of luxury south of
the border, drinking Corona and sleeping with strippers until the sun comes
up. Redemption truly comes from within.
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I never want to hear you say I want it that way 'cause I want it that
way.
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WELCOME TO NARNIA
We've all had experiences with ravenous dryers devouring helpless socks,
but Matt had an experience this week that instilled in him a new fear of
electric heat. Tired of laundering money from the Heuristic Squelch, Matt
decided to launder his collection of nine towels (seven proper towels,
two hand towels) at nearby Bing Wong Laundromat. Everything seemed to be
going well until Matt was folding his towels after drying them and noticed
that his blue and white striped beach towel was missing. Dryer B at Bing
Wong has mutated! No longer placated with mere socks, this thing is eating
towels! Another theory is that some avenging force from Matt's past is
trying to help him separate himself from the days of yore and focus on
the future. You see, the colors blue and white are the colors of the dreaded
Redlands High School, and the fact that it was a beach towel indicates
a connection with Redondo Beach. Thus the towel itself represented a bizarre
mixture between the introverted, carefree, sexless days of Matt's life
in Redondo Beach and the confrontational, responsibility-laden, sexless
days of his life in Redlands. Only by destroying this towel can Matt sever
his ties with his twisted past and concentrate on his new neutralverted,
busybody, sexless life in Berkeley. Wow. Towels.
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DOH!
Apparently even the Simpsons quiz proved too tough for just about all
of Matt's loyal followers. Nonetheless, here are the answers:
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1. "Oh, you Americans with your due process. This is always so much
easier in Mexico."
--Spoken by the Devil in the guise of Ned Flanders, complaining that
the Simpson clan won't let him have Homer's soul without a fair trial.
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2. "Why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why...did I have...the bowl?"
--Spoken by Milhaus as he tries to convince Bart that Santa's Little
Helper ate his goldfish.
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3. "Way to breathe, No-Breath."
--Spoken by Jimbo (the hoodlum with the black shirt and green beanie)
as Bart's lack of soul makes him unable to breathe a proper fog onto the
freezer at the Quickie Mart. (Note: Matt didn't mean to put two soul-related
questions in this thing. It must be a sign from Zeus.)
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4. "Oh, no! Beta!"
--Spoken by Snake, the criminal guy, as he suddenly realizes that the
VCR he's stolen is Beta.
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5. "Och! Save me from the wee turtles!"
--There's only one character in the Simpsons who uses words like "Och"
and "wee."
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Mad props to Brian Sinclair for nailing all five, Mike MacNeil for
nailing two out of five, Sarah "Applesauce" Gertler for nailing one out
of five, and Trent Reznor for nailing nine inches. What?
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OKAY, THEN
We realize that we're all too busy and preoccupied to concern ourselves
with petty quizzes, so Matt came up with an extra easy quiz this week.
Take a stab at it. You just might hit an artery.
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1. Oklahoma City is the capitol of what state?
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2. The monkey wrench is named after what animal?
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3. The state of Washington is named after which first president of
the United States?
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4. A titmouse is what kind of animal?
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5. What is Harry S. Truman's middle name?
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MATT'S CONUNDRUM OF THE WEEK
Where's my keys?
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Mooseplaster. It's what it takes.
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Well, that'll about do it for this round of madness. Mad shout-outs
to my peeps in Pleasant Hill for making my evening so pleasant at the house
of Keane. It was a really keen evening. And pleasant, too. Hell.
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Thank you. That is all.
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Matt Holohan
Honorable Founder
The Matt Holohan Club
[email protected]
www.geocities.com/CollegePark/Den/6234/matt.html