SIXTH SENSE NONE THE RICHER
Matt and his roommate just went out and saw The Sixth Sense, and now
Matt is a-setting here wondering how he's going to be able to sleep tonight
with all these dead people in his room. Bastard filmmakers. Anyone with
"Night" for a middle name should be horribly maimed. That, or be plagued
with pesky paranormal persons persistently pursuing him, perhaps from Pensecola
to Pennsylvania. One neat thing that happened was that just as the kid
from Forrest Gump was explaining that it gets cold when ghosts get angry,
the temperature in the theater dropped significantly. Matt didn't hallucinate
this, since he noticed people around him suddenly pulling on their sweaters,
jackets, parkas and dead animals just at that moment. This could either
have been a bizarre coincidence, clever trickery on the part of the theater
management, or just a bunch of ghosts in the theater suddenly getting angry
at having been so unjustly stereotyped. In any case, Matt's going to sleep
under twelve blankets with his window closed tonight, just in case any
vomiting thirteen-year-old girls decide to pay him an unexpected visit
(not to be confused with the many expected visits from Matt's various thirteen-year-old
concubines).
*
Holy crap! I've got a hole in my back! My wife isn't cheating on me,
I'm dead!
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YES I AM
Matt invented a new pastime this week, of which all members of the
Matt Club are welcome to partake of ("Department of Redundancy Department;
to whom may I direct your call to?"). It's called "Flogging the Rat Pup,"
and the way you play is to go around to various tables on Sproul Plaza
(for those of you attending colleges that don't have a Sproul Plaza, your
school is 100% ass) and pretend to be deeply interested in whatever they
happen to be propagating. For example, Matt went up to the Berkeley Students
for Life table and pretended to be Pro-Life. Matt went up to the Asians
of Mixed Descent Table and pretended to be an Asian of Mixed Descent. Matt
approached the Freethinkers Alliance and pretended to be a moron. He then
gathered various brochures for his collection of brochures, whose titles
included "Language of Illusion: The Abortion Slogans," "The Prophet Joseph
Smith's Testimony," and (Matt's personal favorite) "Banning Pornography
Endangers Women." The final step in this lark was for Matt to read these
pamphlets during lectures, thereby convincing his classmates and professors
that he was as loony as a toon. Great fun.
*
"Do you know where the LDS church is around here?"
"Why, no. Where would that be?"
"Right up on [blah blah blah blah blah]."
"Oh. Well, I'll have to stop by some time. Thanks for the literature.
I'm off to the Individualist Anarchist Society table now."
*
Individualist Anarchist Society. A group of individualists. People
are stupid.
*
BEE-LIEVE IT OR NOT
The cab of Matt's truck continues to be tormented by wayward bees.
Matt can't even drive around nowadays without some fool bee floating in
through a window, doing a little bee dance all around the place scaring
Matt half to death as he simultaneously tries to avoid getting stung by
the ornery bee and causing a ten0car pile-up on Shattuck, being more of
a general nuisance than the English. As usual, Matt has three theories
as to from where this bee affinity for his truck comes from:
1. Bees are attracted to Matt because he's so sweet :)
2. Bees are the manifestation of God's wrath, which Matt has incurred
by hassling the Mormons on Sproul.
3. All matter is composed of tiny multi-dimensional "strings," which
fold and knot themselves to produce the various states of matter and energy
that we as scientists observe in the everyday world.
Judging from empirical results, theory number 1 seems to be the keeper.
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SMALL WEBER
Apparently not everyone shared Matt's schoolboy crush on Tiffany Brissette
during the glory days of Small Wonder, since not one person bothered to
respond to the Small Wonder Trivia Extravaganza. Thus, Matt won't even
bother with the answers. Instead, he'll sell his ass out and opt for a
more commercially appealing trivia extravaganza: The Simpsons. Below are
some of Matt's favoriet Simpsons quotes. Name the character who spake each
quote, and by next week you could be on a cruise to beautiful Newfoundland.
1. "Oh, you Americans with your due process. This is always so much
easier in Mexico."
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2. "Why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why...did I have...the bowl?"
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3. "Way to breathe, No-Breath."
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4. "Oh, no! Beta!"
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5. "Och! Save me from the wee turtles!"
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FINAL THOUGHTS
The gears are turning but nothing's coming out. Better luck next week,
folks.
*
Matt Holohan
Honorable Founder
The Matt Holohan Club
[email protected]
www.geocities.com/CollegePark/Den/6234/